Post 101 – Failing your medical…

The title might be misleading.  This is not a crash course on blogging, or a secret to making money whilst blogging, or any tips on how to get more followers.   This is actually really my 101th post. Yes, I am impressed myself.  But that normally does not last very long…

As I failed my medical today.  I also didn’t realise you can, but in fairness it’s not like I am dying or anything, I only failed the hearing test and by fail I mean I have to redo it.  (Aced my eye test by the way, if anyone asks)

The nurse seemed very concerned and asked whether I was doing something the night before that might have affected my hearing, but some things are just not meant to be blogged about, well at least not on this platform.  I replied to her question with a very quick yes.  Truth is I really didn’t hear anything, but before you feel pity for my loss of hearing let’s first assess the test.  (It also have to be said that this is an Executive Medical for management on our plant, so the facilities I am about to discuss does not necessarily reflect the country medical progressiveness.  Or maybe it does..)

You are put in a very small soundproof box with a door.  A relic from a Vegas magic show where the person inside is either going to be sawed in half or replaced by a tiger.  There is a dodgy pillow, that has seen more asses than a New York subway bench, lying on a very uncomfortable looking chair.  When the nurse opened the door there was a moment when we both just looked at one another and then at the chair.  She nudged her neck and her eyes said clearly,

“Sorry Sire would you like us to bring in the Iron throne for you?  Go and put your ass down in that excuse of a chair.”  So I did, nervously.

Then you have to take the set of earphones that was lying on a side table, dust them of and place them on your head.  These earphones was used by Noah to soften the noise of all those  animals in the Arc.  I believe that something that old should not be placed close to any open crevice of your body, especially if said crevice is only inches from your brain.  (Which I do use from time to time.) Now I am sitting there with this thing on my head wondering what other living things are ready to go spelunking down my ear channel.

You get a button that you have to press every time you hear a beep through the earphones. This is not half as exciting as it sounds.

Instructions given, Nurse Ratchet closes the door and you are left with silence.  I hate silence.  It makes me think.  And I didn’t bring my laptop into the booth.  Soon the silence becomes deafening until it’s finally broken by the sound of my own blood pumping.  And a very strange zinging sound in my ear that I have not heard before. Echoes of creatures having fun in my ear maybe?

And you wait.  For the beep.  And you hear nothing.  And you wait. Still nothing.  And you become worried as small droplets of sweat flood your palms.  And questions race through your mind like: “Am I deaf?  Was I only communicating through lip reading?  OMG.  What is happening to me!!! Help!!”  And then the inevitable happens,  you press the button.  Three times in quick concession.  Who wants to get out of the booth and get a hearing aid fitting right of the bat, right?

Then nurse Ratchet looks up from the monitor, moves her glasses and mouths:

“The test hasn’t started yet.”  And you feel like a 40 year old prick.  No, it’s not a nice feeling.  And it all goes downhill from there.

Eventually you hear a beep. You happily press the button trying to proof to the nurse without a sense of humour that you can manage miniscule tasks.  She doesn’t look impressed.  Screw her.  You hear the beep and press the button and the sun shines once again in the land of me.

Until you hear nothing… the sun drops from the sky and the sweat return.  You hallucinate the beeps and the whole test becomes a farce of assumption, timing, guessing, pressing and panic.  All in a quest to desperately try and hear anything, which you don’t.

Eventually they let you out of the booth, broken and beaten and we are back at the beginning of the post.  So I have to go through this pleasant experience once again on Monday.

There is one advantage of this, I now have proof that I am not able to hear the wife (or kids) whilst watching tv.  A medical professional said I have some kind of hearing problem.

4 thoughts on “Post 101 – Failing your medical…

  1. I had the opposite problem in my very first year in school. They tested all the children in pretty much the same way, except minus the soundproof box. This is important. I could hear the button being pressed by the nurse…and then, a random number of seconds later, a beep in the headphones.

    So I pressed for both until she told me off!


  2. Pingback: A Whole Lotta Love on a Monday | Free Little Words

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