5 Things one cannot do naked

Thank you Adam en Eve for allowing humanity to hide our modern-day imperfections under layers of cotton, polyester, wool and silk.  I personally want to thank fashionistas of centuries past for allowing us to move from leaves and fur (Lady Gaga didn’t get the memo), and for me not having to wear a dress.  Clothes protects us from harsh weather, insect bites, rough surfaces and perverts.

There are various communities around the globe where people feel the desire to prance around in their birthday suits and literally let it all hang out.  The point of this post is that it doesn’t matter how forward thinking or free-spirited or fucked-up you might be there are certain things one cannot do naked.  And I decided to list them.

But first things first.  No, I don’t know what triggered this post and yes, I’m in counselling.  I have gotten to the point of knowing there are two incidents that might have caused my warped thinking.

The thin tall hippy who walked out of the shower with his bottle of Nivea for Men, proceeding to dry his hair, all the time dangling his nine-inch mutation, which I thought was a stuffed sock at the time, in the same room where I was brushing my teeth.  I was nine and I ran out screaming.

Or maybe it was the obese lady who got flogged by a wave while attempting to swim in the ocean.  She finally surfaced again with a very shocked, relieved, disoriented expression, not able to realise her boob just flipped free and was dangling happily in the water below her knee.  Her nipple had three hairs and they were waving at me.  I was eleven and I ran out screaming.

Anyhow.  I know.  I’m fine.  The list.

These five things would, if done naked, be revolting.  Doesn’t matter how kinky you think you are, this would just be wrong.

1. Having a haircut.  Hairdressers across the globe have perfected the ability to touch by not touching you, it’s called the skill of limited touching.  Google it.  I dare you.  (If you have a hairdresser who touches you more than your grandmother, then she might want you to trim a little from her top, if you now what I mean.  It’s a sign.  Go.  Now.)  Bottom line is that when one consider all the variable postures available to a hairdresser, including but not limited to, lifting arms, touching chin, leaning in, bending over to get you happy and out of that chair, trying to execute them naked, would just be impossible.

2. Doing Yoga.  Talking about posture.  Imagine doing the puking dog or flying duck poses naked.  The stretching already seems quite challenging with your clothes on, but imagine for a moment doing all of that without the security of the skin-stretched nylon tights.  (Stop smiling.  This is serious shit.)  Humans are not meant to assume the million awkward poses Yoga expects from us, and doing them with your derriere exposed will destroy any appreciation or respect one could bring with you, when attending a class.  It will just turn into a mooning session.

3. Jogging.  Or aerobics or jumping.   The average person does not look very sophisticated when they run.  We might think we look like Tom Cruise running in dust chasing some Arab looking bad guy, when in truth we look like a flaming red-faced wagon wheel tumbling down a hill.  So doing this naked adds all sort of problems.  All the jiggly, dangly, wobbly bits that are kept in tact with clothes will shake and rattle, resembling a fat clown trying to use eight hoola-hoops at once.  It will cause motion sickness to any observer and mothers will have to hide their children.  It can’t be done.  We have to think of the children.

4. Attending a rock concert.  To many people squashing and pushing in very close proximity to one another.  Even though this was an accepted practise in Roman times when orgies was their version of Facebook.  But nowadays it would just be plain uncomfortable, and 80,000 people stomping and screaming around naked would just be so very wrong.  I have had a prick or two in my face at a rock concert, but the phrase normally referenced some douche who has no respect for Johnny or Jack and then turns around mid show, screaming in my face: “Dhis fuckish, I mean Irishh band ish awshome, hey.”  So it never implied the real thing and I would like to keep it that way.

5. Get into a taxi/bus/airplane.  Contemplating the idea of putting your naked ass down on a taxi-cab’s back seat, that’s been occupied by a thousand other naked asses just causes uncontrolled nausea to me and wait… Yes, I just threw up a little of my tuna salad, in my mouth…  Technically you put your bare posterior in the same place as a million others when you go to any public restroom, but let’s just all agree it’s different, we don’t think about it so we can all maintain a good night’s rest.

Oh, there is one more thing that is impossible to do naked and that’s stripping.  I know, I know I’m going.

21 thoughts on “5 Things one cannot do naked

  1. Pingback: Naked and Afraid | Ah dad...

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