Naked and Afraid

I’ve posted on nudity before. No, there’s nothing wrong with me.  My wife have me checked twice a month.

It was a post on how certain human activities are just not suppose to be executed without clothes on.  Things like jogging or getting a haircut.  (If you want to leave the awesomeness of THIS post and plunge right in to THAT post, you can start by clicking THIS link, here.  But you need to be naked in order to do so.  It’s a new updated version of WordPress.)

The point of THIS post would be to add one more item to THAT list of five.  And that one activity would be: The Act of Survival.

An odd choice?  Let me explain.

I was bored last night.  And being bored for most men, implies mindless surfing with a television remote.  Game of Thrones, Season 4, is only starting this Friday in South Africa, so there is nothing on.  I must admit, I think I’ve developed a twitch in anticipation of the new season.  Please don’t comment on how great or not great it is, for there might be a spoiler revealed in your comments and then I will have to hunt you down and massacre your family like the twisted king at the Red wedding.  (If you don’t know what the hell I’m going on about, then you shouldn’t worry about it, for it means your family is safe.)

Anyhow, during my time-killing escapade I landed on the Discovery Channel, which unlike M-TV, still showcases some of the content of the original channel I grew to appreciate over the years.  I have to say “some” for it seems that the Reality-Show-Monster has gotten hold of some of the producers from this channel as well.  Then chewed of a part of their brains, like some perverted Zombie on a diet, altering their fundamental understanding of what would make great TV viewing. The poor sods over at M-TV were obviously attacked by a ravenous Zombie mob, for they doesn’t seem to have any brain matter left.

Like this; only without the lettering and with two people. Two naked people.

So now you have the privilege of seeing a show like Naked and Afraid in High Definition on Discovery.

A show where two total strangers gets dumped in some of the biggest shitholes on planet Earth and they’re expected to survive for 21 days.  Without any clothes on.  Yes, I didn’t make a typo there, I wrote: Without any clothes on.  And they do this, not as punishment for kicking dogs or stealing from blind people, no, they do it v-o-l-u-n-t-a-r-y.  I know, right!

Two questions comes to mind immediately.

(1) What the fuck? and

(2) What the FUCK?

Darwin was right after all.  There IS a connection, some sort of a missing link between homo sapiens and other primates.  But it is not some extinct primitive being that is fossilised in a desert that used to be a swamp.  No people, that missing link is alive and well.  Living amongst us.  It’s the cast of Jersey Shore and anyone who would be stupid enough to WANT to partake in this very surreal version of survival.

I say this, for one has to be a whole new breed of stupid (or ridiculously confident) when you’re prepared to show off all our jiggly/dangly/wobbly bits to a perfect stranger.  For 21 days.  In the middle of nowhere.  Fighting for your life.

Fortunately/unfortunately, depending on what gets you off, they blur out the most embarrassing bits of the human body in every episode.

I mean, let’s consider this for a moment.  People have been in various predicaments where they had to survive against the elements.  Conquering the human spirit and all that wonderful bravado that goes along with the guy who chewed of his foot in order to make it to his wedding reception.  And we will always be eternally grateful to Bear Grylls who taught us that drinking the blood of a snake might save you from dehydration.  But when have you ever heard of anyone who had to fight for their life, in some desolate uninhabitable place on earth, naked!?  That is just a whole new kind of kinky.

Then there’s contestants who have placed themselves in numerous situations, facing down Mother Nature for money in countless survival based reality shows.  But we should never forget that Mother Nature is a female.  And mankind hasn’t really been doing her any favours as of late.  So the chances are actually stacked against us when if comes to a confrontational survival strategy.  And I think when we do it with an audacious attitude, like not covering ourselves, then we’re just looking for shit.

I cannot begin to fathom any sane reason why any person would think “Yes, yes, yes, that is something I would love to do.”  These people should be put down, for they might want to have kids one day.

In some episodes, I’ve seen two, the people suddenly have the urge to cover themselves on day 16.  Which to me is somewhat confusing.  One would consider finding food as being slightly more important than trying to cover your rack ala Eve style.  Especially when you lost so much weight that the va-va-voom factor has left the building and gravity has pulled the nipples knee level.  And you can actually count your ribs.

And let’s not forget the crying, like Oscar Pistorius during his trial.  Sobbing because you’re sad and miserable and alone with a stranger and hungry and naked.  And you only realised this on day 19?  Are you serious?

I don’t like stupid people anymore.

PS – I see it’s on every Tuesday with re-runs on Thursday.