Ah Dad… and Prom (or Matric-farewell) dresses

This post might offend fragile fathers and fanatic feminists.

It is the silly season.  It is time for Prom.  Or as we call it down here in South Africa, the annual “Matric-farewell.”  It is exactly the same thing, an extravagant themed ball where kids all over the country celebrates their final year in school.

It’s that time of the year when daughters go wild with dress designs and credit card limits, when they’re frantically shopping for shoes and small useless purses, and sit wide-eyed at hair salons trying to find the perfect do that would match that perfect dress and the shoes and that small useless purse.  It is the time of year when boys go crazy with anxiety at finding the perfect date, only to end up sweating profusely as they now need to find the perfect ride.

It is also the time when most father’s suffer from overnight baldness from the sheer amount of stress, for they know very well what happens at the specific event, or more importantly what might happen afterwards.  Not even mentioning the additional mortgage that is required to fit the bill of the chosen outfit.

One might assume that I have no reason whatsoever to have any type of concern about a Matric-farewell, as Princess is only twelve.  The problem is that I started having nightmares about the prospective evening that will happen five years from now, after seeing a picture of a recent dress Rihanna attempted to wear at a fashion event.  Not the beach or a strip club, it was an actual event where other people went with tuxedo’s and shit.

This was her dress…

Thank you for the nightmares, Rihanna.

First off, let me just state categorically that THIS IS NOT A DRESS!  The definition of a dress, as per Oxford Dictionary is as follows:

noun: dress; plural noun: dresses – a one-piece garment for a woman or girl that covers the body and extends down over the legs.

Clearly, in order to qualify as a dress, the piece of clothing should COVER the body.  Whatever Rihanna think she’s got on, it’s simply not a dress, as per the English definition of said garment. I don’t care if this thing was made with pixie-dust, dragon sweat and a million Swarovski crystals…IT’S NOT A DRESS.

Using the same definition, these also do NOT qualify…

No no no.  Where is the rest of the top section?

and

Are you frigging kidding me?

Furthermore I understand that as a father I’m technically disqualified on having any opinion about what my daughter may or may not wear to her Matric-farewell.  (If she’s going, by the way, as the jury is still out on that little issue…)  The point is, most of my followers would know that I don’t really give a rat’s ass about what the general consensus would be on when to keep my mouth shut or when not to.  As would be evident by other opinions I have about dress codes for my daughter or what type of guys she may date.  I think it’s important for me to set some kind of boundary so that we don’t end up wasting heaps of energy,  having the “there’s no way in hell you’re going to wear that” discussions.

So, let’s proceed shall we…

This is a dress.

Angelina Jolie, thanks for bringing balance to the force.

See how if COVERS the body AND the legs.  I imagine you might even be able to wear body forming underwear underneath this, as it won’t show at all.  Your body type would be a secondary issue.  I personally think it’s great, as you wouldn’t have to bother with all the crash diets and near-starvation most girls go through before the big night.  And as an added bonus, you get to choose from a wide variety of colours.

Maybe you might consider this dress a little on the conservative side and considered something a bit more flashy.  Don’t fear when Daddy’s near, I took the time to find something acceptable, but a tad more adventurous.  See how it covers the body.  Got to love it.  And considering what some people pay for those “non-dresses”, this one will ensure you get your money’s worth.

The jacket is optional

Yes, I know, it might be a little hot on the evening, so this one could also work for me.

And you could even pull off a Barbie doll…

There you have it Princess, more proof of just how open-minded your father is.  You must feel extremely fortunate for having a Dad who is always looking out for his your best interests.  You’re most welcome and it’s because I love you.

I bet this must get you so excited about having to choose that perfect, daddy-approved dress for the possible Matric-farewell you may attend one day.  (Subject to screening of whoever asks you, of course.) Its’ going to be SO much fun.

I. Cannot. Wait. ;-(