To vest or not to vest?

Thanks for proving that this doesn't look gay at all.

Thanks for proving that men wearing stringy vests doesn’t look gay at all.

On this planet you will find some human beings in peak condition, making normal people look like shit.  Fit guys and gals who have too much discipline and absolutely no life whatsoever, for why else would you be able to spend countless hours in a gym AND follow a diet made up of turkey meat, protein shakes and cardboard.

I  have been brainwashed and joined the masses as a person who is trying his best to look less shitty.  It was time to stimulate my bi’s and tri’s into growth this morning.  You may remove your head from the mud as I’m not referring to a Christian Grey trick.  I’m referring to the muscles that makes up my arm.  I have learned that I’m loving arm-days as much as I hate leg-days.  I prefer bi-cep curls to squats and lunges.  Squats and lunges are a sadist’s idea of a picnic.  It’s pure agony and there should be a picture of me trying to do lunges right next to the words “pain” and “unhappy” in every dictionary.

In my line of work I seldom get the chance to prance around in shorts and sandals.  Not that I normally prance around in anything.  I mean, I don’t prance.  I wear something, sometimes.  Like when I go to work.  Or when people visit.  If one doesn’t wear pants, people immediately consider you to be a little “off”.  Especially if it happens twice.  But let’s be clear, the first time wasn’t my fault.  Hence my habit of putting on pants after a shower.  Especially if I don’t have clean underwear.

The point of that last paragraph is this:  Even if your legs are hidden under trousers, it’s still not an excuse to skip leg days as this will result in ridiculously shaped men.  So even though we hate it, we do it, for friends don’t let friends skip leg days.

Let's pray this is photoshopped.

Let’s pray this is photoshopped.

Getting back to arms.  Having big guns are synonymous with being fit.  It’s like a six-pack.  Ok, maybe it’s not exactly like a six-pack, but seeing that I don’t have either, what do I really know?  I just assume that your bicep is an important body part to show off, for why else would straight men choose to wear vests?

I would never be allowed to wear a vest in public, unless of course I’m prepared to walk around without my family.  Like some sad, middle-aged, human stray.  I love company so I’ve thrown away all the vests I’ve never owned.

There is a wide variety of vests available on the market for guys to wear.  From the full-shoulder covering type, to the thin, strapless, nipple-showing type.  Let’s be clear: I don’t care how big your “guns” might be, or who might be sponsoring your lack of a T-shirt, but when I can see your nipple, you need a bigger vest.  (Or would that be a smaller one?)

A pair of what?  Nipples?

A pair of what? Nipples?

Why did you even bother putting on a shirt?  A stringy vest is not a shirt.  A stringy vest is some sort of shirt wannabe.  There should be a law against nipple-showing shirts in a gym. And not just for females. I’m still contemplating whether this post is written out of nipple envy, but this much I do know: Cleavage is a term normally associated with woman. Furthermore, I have two nipples of my own, therefore I certainly don’t need to see yours, especially at five in the morning.

And whilst I have your attention, you might want to slow down on those “injections” you’re using, unless off course you actually want to grow a third one.  Nevertheless, just cover yourself bro!

For no straight man has ever used the words: “Wow, that’s an amazing looking nipple!”

Well, at least not when referencing another man…

8 thoughts on “To vest or not to vest?

  1. Ha ha… people who wear vests should be divested of their right to do so. LOL. My personal opinion is guys with good arms look hotter in a nicely fitted T shirt ( with sleeves ) than letting it all hang out in a vest.


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