To the lady who was fixing her make-up whilst driving at the speed of sound.

Multi-tasking… I’ve heard it all before.  It’s the one thing men cannot do.  Men cannot listen to a conversation whilst watching a game.  Men cannot drive and also take direction.  Men cannot talk about their feelings and make love at the same time.  It’s an inherent flaw in our design.  It’s been our downfall and our saving grace.  We accept the inevitable.

But woman can.  It’s their God-given talent.  Besides having boobs.  I applaud the mother who is organizing a kids birthday party whilst giving birth.  I stand in awe of the woman who can listen to her best friend complain about an ex and wash the dishes.  Who can cook AND clean.  But why would you want to fix your make-up whilst attempting to break a ground-speed record?  That shit is bat-crazy.

This is what crazy looks like!

This is what crazy looks like!

I use the same road as you do, every morning.  Yes, there are actually other vehicles on the road.  The reason for this is that our chemical company is built on the outskirts of town in order to prevent you and the other citizens of our town from turning into glowing, green, six-toed freaks.  This location also allows the wind to blow all the air pollution away from town, provided the wind doesn’t flip on us.  An added benefit of being down stream is that we can dump our toxic waste, thereby diluting it to acceptable levels before it reaches the next town.  And don’t worry, its all done in the name of capitalism…So I have reason to be on that road with you.  In a different car off course.

I know that the stretch of road we use is a beautiful, double-laned, wide road that has limited traffic early in the morning.  I also understand that the absence of traffic police gives us the freedom to release our inner Schumacher.  We exploit this opportunity.  We race, trying to recover the precious seconds we lost when that last traffic light was red and we had to wait.   We push the peddle to the meddle.  Our own little mini-autobahn.  It’s fun.  It’s exhilarating.

But why would you fix your lips at that speed?  Wouldn’t that be considered a little distraction from driving?  Do you NOT understand that an accident would require a lot more than make-up to fix your face?  Do you know that you are operating a piece of equipment that can cause death.  Especially mine!  I love my wife and kids and hopefully they love me. I want to see them again and preferably not when I am stuck in a hosptial bed with a fractured skull. I don’t need you crashing into my SUV as you’re trying to fix your mascara. I don’t really care how pale and cracked your lips might be at seven in the morning, keep your eyes on the %#*#&$ road!

Did I mention I was married?  I know that it takes a little longer for woman to become presentable to the general populous.  Men can’t help it.  We’re just naturally more attractive, as is the case with ALL the other animal species on earth.  Men don’t need make-up or blow dried hair to ooze sex-appeal.  We just do.  Some of us (not me) will even accept woman who pile on tonnes of very expensive aloe-derivatives and other shit to make them look totally different, like a blow-up doll or a drag queen.  I just don’t see why you have to do it whilst driving!

I fail to understand why you would prefer the cramped, uncomfortable seat of a car compared to a dressing table?  Why you would choose to use a small, inconspicuous mirror when you can use a full length one with proper lighting?  Are you just stupid?  Being a logical and practical male, I have a solution.  I know that woman doesn’t always seek a solution, most of the time they just need someone to listen, but in this case I beg to differ.  Stupid needs help.

Did you know that your smart phone can do more than (1) Make phone calls, (2) Scroll Facebook and (3) Take Selfies?  It has an alarm clock feature that will allow you, if set correctly, to get your ass out of bed sooner.  This will give you ample time to plaster away before you leave the house and get in the car to drive to your place of work i.e the bank, the post office, the brothel…

Waking up earlier will not only prevent you from doing the crazy shit you do daily, it will also reduce the risk of me dying.  And if there should ever exist a good enough reason for any person to put on make-up whilst driving, then I suggest that said person should slow the f*ck down before doing so.

You were driving at 140 km/h this morning and I know this because I had to stay ahead of you.  Do you have a death wish?  Are you insane?  Are you just living recklessly? Or are you, as per aforementioned assumption, just stupid?

Whatever. Please just stop it.  Multi-tasking or not. I beg you.

11 thoughts on “To the lady who was fixing her make-up whilst driving at the speed of sound.

  1. I am woman but I am with you on this one…. the things you witness when cycling is mind shattering – women putting on mascara is even more deadly than a bit of lippie I tell you… you must watch that biatch swagger and swerve her SUV all over the tarmac!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hehe!Oulik geskryf,al wil die vrouens jou braai oor party aanmerkings.eintlik moet jy hierdie prsoon se nommer neem en haar verkla.Sy is ‘n gevaar vir almal op die pad.Ek het nou die dag ‘n man gesien skryf op ‘n notaboek,vasgedruk teen sy stuurwiel,volspoed op die snelweg…heeltemal roekeloos!

    Liked by 1 person

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