A tram nearly killed me

Now where was I?  Oh yes bad comedy in Sydney. Seeing how someone dies on stage is never pleasant, even if the sicko made a rape joke. On second thought, he should have been skinned alive.

The rest of my stay in Sydney was pretty uneventful when you consider all the residents stay at home on a Tuesday night.  It is only the lonely travellers strolling the street like a lost zombie, trying to find a decent place to eat.

It is always funny how the hostess of a restaurant looks surprised when I ask for a table for one. Imagine if I asked her for an extra setting and some consideration for my imaginary friend Angelique, the jewish hippo in a leapordskin tutu. No worries, mate.

I finished my business in Sydney and flew to Melbourne where I rented a car and drove to the hotel. Sounds simple?

No shit. Melbourne is not like any other city I know.  Except for being spectacularly beautiful, it also has trams.  Now for those young ones around who doesn’t know what a tram is,  here is a picture.

Being hit by this thing is another possible way to die

Being hit by this thing is another possible way to die

It’s like a train, only slower but it can still cause moments where your life flash before you. Especially if you are stuck in its path.

A right turn in Melbourne implies that you have to cross seventy thousand lanes of traffic and a few tram lines.  It’s easy as long as you attempt said right turn in an intersection designed for that purpose.  If you find yourself in an intersection where you are not suppose to execute said manouvre,  people will hoot like you’ve just abducted a puppy. And it’s not because they’re being mean,  it is just to let you know that a tram won’t necessarily slow down for you.

Panic sets in.  Then you can’t find the reverse because you were pretentious and thought it a good idea to take a luxury German car from the rental bay, just because they offered the upgrade.  Upgrade my ass.  More hooting ensues.  This time it is because they think you are an idiot and you find yourself regretting not taking the full insurance cover on the vehicle.  Needless to say, I did a lot more business in that fancy car than I intended to do.  They might have to replace the seats of the Mercedez,  as I already got rid of my underwear. I also spoke a language that can best be written as “#¶$€€©&   #  sh!t @#(£#§€¥¢  $§  ¶¶¥¥¿ f@ck!”

I’m still in shock. Alive bit in shock. And it’s been more than a day.  It’s probably because I didn’t find my life that interesting, at least not the flasbacks I got to see yesterday.

Driving around again and I have to say that they might as well drive on the right side of the street.  The street markings and signs in the city makes no fucking sense. (Sorry kids.) It’s very confusing and downright life threatening.  Hats off to all you drivers out there, (cars, cabs, trucks, cyclists and trams) for not killing more people on a daily basis in the CBD of Melbourne.  It’s organised chaos I tell ya.

I had to go to Dandedong or Dandeling or Dandelongagong or Dandedonading or Dandenong or something like that for a meeting. I can’t remember the exact name of the place but I know it’s one of the five options I listed.  What’s more fun is when you’re reading the names out loud it makes you sound like a human didgeridoo. Yes go ahead, read it again, I’ll wait…

I finally saw some decent comedy in Melbourne which restored my faith in the Australian sense of humour.  Technically they’ve always had a sense of humour,  at least to a certain degree.  I mean these guys consider themselves to be good in rugby….bawahahahaaa.  Now that is funny…

Four hours of sleep than I am getting up again to start the journey back home.  And I’m so ready to go home…Who am I kidding,  I was ready a week ago.

It’s cheers from Down Under…

4 thoughts on “A tram nearly killed me

  1. Pingback: In loving memory of 2015 | Ah dad...

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