I was sitting in a pub in Dubai, minding my own business, reading my Twitter feed where people are still saying Hello to Adele and Donald Trump is still acting like a lunatic. Or is he?
Then he plunked himself in the open seat next to me, making a very loud, but painful noise. Like he was having a contraction or worse.
“I’ve broken three ribs,” he declares to anyone or no-one. My parents told me never to talk to strangers, so I ignored the man.
“I was released from hospital today.”
It dawned on me that he was actually trying to talk to me. Seems I have that kind of face. I was bored so I opted to show interest. Big mistake. Sometimes it’s better to leave crazy people alone.
It turned out this guy was either the most spectacular human being or the biggest liar on the planet. I’ll let you be the judge…
Aaron is a divorced Brit who has worked in too many countries to count. He picked up my accent within a millisecond of me talking, as he also worked in South Africa. That needs a pat on the back as most people over here suspect I am American, Australian or..wait for it.. German. Being white doesn’t seem to fit the idea of being from Africa. Back to Aaron.
He is currently working in Investment Banking after he migrated through a career of information technology and special forces. Yes, this guy can kill you with two fingers. No, he didnt look the part. And yes, he did show me where on a person’s neck you need to attack. Needless to say he aslo served in Afghanistan. But that shit is classified. He presently resides in Sweden and was in a car accident on the way to the airport.
The taxi he was driving in was hit from the side by a Polish truck driver who fell asleep at the wheel. The cab rolled like a million times but he was wearing a seat belt. Being the tough guy he is, having no obvious injury, he decided to still board his flight to Dubai. I told you he was amazing. He did admit to having a few mild aches and pains. He probably cleaned the open wounds with Jack Daniels and used a piece of rope and a machete he found in the back of the cab to sew it up.
During his flight, the minor aches and pains turned into excruating agony and he was taken to the nearest hospital after disembarkation. Which is how I knew he wasn’t Chuck Norris after all. As it turns out he was admitted with not one, but three broken ribs, two fractured ones and a punctured lung. One…two…three. see what I did there?
After spending three days in hospital Aaron was released earlier the day. A hospital billed of USD 10000 followed him back to the hotel. Being British, or a dick, the first thing he wanted to do was grab a pint. After watching him, I realised he’s had quite a few since that first one. Why me?
He showed me a picture of his wife, one that I’m sure you can see too, if you Google “hot girl in red bikini. ” I reckon he got his daughter’s pic from Hallmark stock photos.
At this point you may be wondering why an intelligent man like me would still be listening to all of this. Two reasons. I was on my own and needed something for my blog and he was buying me beer. How bad could it get?
He left Europe for South Africa in order to kick his LSD habit. Over there he became involved with cocaine but only for recreational purposes. Normal people take up jogging or bird watching, hell some even hunt lions, but getting addicted to drugs? Chuck he is. He had a regular dealer and got to know the gang who controlled the trade. One time he got headbashed by some big dude in a club. He was high at the time. Obviously. After a few minutes his croanies took him outside, where he walked in on his attacker, forced on his knees with a gun to his head. He had the option of seeing someone’s brains being blown out. He declined, such a wuss, so he also saved a guy’s life.
Did I mention he was adopted? And that he pimps prostitutes when in Dubai? And that he asked me where I was from every time he had a bathroom break?
I knew two things at this time. I was either going to punch this guy in the face and risk the-two-point-lethal-press-to-the-neck or my head was going to explode. I needed to leave. Urgently. This was too much even for a guy like me who can suspend reality and laugh when the Hulk is manhandling Loki.
I excused myself and he opted to follow me. I was a little scared because he also started to touch my arm excessively. There was a flight of stairs from the pub to the lobby of the hotel. I warned him because my parents didn’t raise a baboon. The next moment Mr Norris falls down the stairs in spectacular fashion and lands flat on his face. Look Mom, no hands. In front of everyone! It wasn’t graceful falling, this was epic fail, YouTube style.
I did what any self respecting person would do, I nonchalantly walked to the elevator, pressed the button and returned to my room. I assume the porter and consierce got Chuck Norris’ brother to wherever the fuck he wanted to go.