A long, long time ago in an era where poking friends implied a sexual activity and not something you do with fake friends on a social platform. Or when twitter was the sound made by a sick bird and not something I could waste several hours on, there was a skinny squire with mousy hair and a stunning personality. He was invited to a ball and at some point during the festivities he saw her sitting in the kitchen, watching a magical talking bird. He politely asked if he could join her because his parents didn’t raise an ape. She blushed and agreed, so he sat down eagerly and over the course of an hour, she stole his heart. And has never bothered to return it to him.
Everybody in the land was joyous and happy when they announced their plans to exchange vows two years later. He looked semi-dashing in a green blazer and she looked fucking amazing in an exquisite white wedding dress, as she waltzed down the isle. He was (and still is) flabbergasted.
Twenty years later the squire has turned into a father and the most beautiful maiden in the land is still the envy of every man who meets her. My precious.
We’re still living our own happily ever after, even though we share our living space with two teenagers.
But for the squire to survive such a long journey of marriage, he obviously learned a few important things along the way:
- Husbands need to know when to shut up.
- Wives are always right, even if they’re not.
- Husbands need to apologize first, irrespective of who’s at fault. Or suffer awkward silences until they do.
- Couples need to laugh during the good times. And at each other.
- Couples need to laugh during the bad times. And at their children.
- Husbands needs to express love in enunciated words.
- Wives have to accept that the neanderthal never truly left the genetic make-up of a male.
- Husbands already have a dick attached to their bodies, so they don’t need to be one too.
- Wives don’t have to be moody all the time, they already have an excuse for irrational behavior once a month.
- Husbands will love their guy friends unconditionally.
- Wives will never understand aforementioned love, so there’s no sense in trying.
- Couples need to respect one another. Even their taste in movies.
- Couples need to embrace their differences. And each other every now and again.
- Couples hold hands, especially when in public when other men are oogling my wife.
- Couples compromise. All the time. Even if they don’t want to.
- Happy Wife, happy life.
- Marry someone you’ll miss the moment they leave the room.
- Except the in-laws. On both sides. They’re never going away.
- It’s normal to have moments when you plan the perfect crime.
- Renovating a kitchen will challenge the bond of love.
Or simply marry an angel like I did. Then it’s fairly easy. At least for me.
To my wonderful, darling Wife…
Today is a celebration of a life together. Twenty years of bliss. Or mostly bliss. It’s an honour to be called your husband. I fell in love around a kitchen table, laughing at a grey parrot, 22 years ago, and I’ve never stopped loving you. It grows more and more with each passing day.
My love for you is what makes me the man that I am today.
Here’s to the next twenty.