I’m Ah Dad and I have a problem

It seems that I’m losing the urge to (1) Stab a certain coworker in the throat or (2) Wanting to down a bottle of wine at 10 in the morning or (3) Both of the above in quick succession of each other.  But I do have another problem.  Or more accurately, an addiction.

Addiction is a dependence on something in order to sustain normal behavior.  There are many forms of addiction.  Examples include heroine, cocaine, sex, alcohol, Facebook, Jennifer Aniston and/or Britney Spears. And before this post turns into a fifth grade report on substance abuse, let’s just all agree that the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.

My addiction came from nowhere.  It was an innocent act that prevented my from falling asleep during meetings but then turned into this full-on if-I-don’t-do-this-I-will-probably-die-a-slow-and-horrible-death situation.  So without further ado, let’s admit so we can fix the problem.

My name is Ah Dad and it has been twelve minutes since I played that stupid game on my smart phone.

Some of you might snicker at what you may consider an insignificant problem but if you speak to Wife she’ll tell you that it’s becoming an obsession.  This kind of radical, emotional thinking is lost on most men, by the way, as we have logical thinking.  It’s just a game after all.  But in order to assist my fellow man and prevent them from falling into the same trap as I did, I compiled a list of behaviors that can act as warning signs.  A study has shown that if you tick any three of the items on this list, then the chances are about 87% that a Wife/girlfriend/daughter/mother/sister/dominatrix/bar lady/random female stranger has reprimanded you already and it would probably be best for your health and relationship to seek help.

Here goes:

1. When you spend more time playing the game than your teenage daughter spends time browsing Instagram and Facebook.
2. When you take your phone to the loo and end up playing the game instead of reading tweets like a normal person.
3. When you say shit out loud without any consideration as to where you might be because you’ve just lost a life.  Like sitting in church or something.
4. When you obsessively check the time because you know your lives refill every 30 minutes.
5. When you miss an important announcement in the board room because you are finally able to crack that all important level 157.
6. When you watch a movie and half way through it you pick up the phone to try level 158 once again.  And the movie stars Jenifer Aniston.
7. When you get excited about achieving something that has no real impact on your life whatsoever.
8. When you watch a stupid ad just because it gives you a free life.
9. When you start asking random strangers to send you lives.
10. When you actually consider spending your hard earn money to buy a gimmick that might help you to progress in the game.
11. When your teenage son tells you that you have a problem.

And most importantly…

When the Wife tells you that she hopes you never fall ill and have to spend a day at home because your fingers would cramp up due to their excessive use of playing that stupid *#@^$*! game.  Also known as rock bottom for this type of addiction.

You have been warned.  It’s time to quit.

Now where is my damn phone…