The naked truth about nude pics

One has to have balls the size of Jupiter’s moons to willingly take naked photo’s of oneself.  I suppose if your balls were really the size of Jupiter’s moons then someone else, i.e Ripley’s would have paid you for the referent pictures. Even though the moon and ball analogy might not work on the ladies, the bottom line remains that it requires a shitload of confidence, like the combined arrogance of the whole cast of Jersey shore AND the Kardashian sisters, to capture a photograph of your smiling face in the nude.

Let’s take a step back.

I am a guy, thus made up of 10% stubbornness and 90% logic and reason.  The Wife might disagree with the ratio, but the fundamental fact remains that everything life throws at men, we try and rationalise.  We’re constantly trying to figure out, make some sense of human behaviour.  Needless to say, we’ve given up on woman, as our efforts are futile due to the presence of a little oddity called “emotion.”

This post is not trying to list the benefits of logic vs emotion, as there are to many, I am merely trying to understand what would posses lovely woman like the ama-zing! Jennifer Lawrence to take naked pics of themselves?  Continue reading

When Doves make love

It’s awkward and it’s noisy.

He builds a flimsy nest from sticks, disillusioned in thinking his bachelor pad is a penthouse just because it’s high up in a tree.  Then he goes to the bar, where he struts around with puffed neck feathers, overselling his shithouse, trying to impress the ladies.  Most pigeon girls have very low expectations and settle for brawn and bravado.  Going home together is a concluded marriage proposal.   The couple is surprisingly happy, but in their defence, the choices are limited and standards low.  It’s a redneck society of happy hillbillies.

Bird porn, downloaded from www.birdinginformation.com

Bird porn, downloaded from http://www.birdinginformation.com

There comes a time when his urge to pro-create sort of aligns with her wanting some of them babies.  As all men know, that alignment doesn’t necessarily have to be a total eclipse, for the urge, unlike the moon, is always full.  Continue reading

AskAwayFriday – Round 2

I was real excited to see the hand in the crowd waving frantically for some attention.  Well, not really attention, we were the last two souls who wanted to partake in this interesting little thing called #AskAwayFriday, where you exchange 10 questions with another blogger.Real Housewife Of Caroline County

My partner in time…( Yes it’s lame, but it was the best I could come up with)  The wonderful, the multi-talented, the RAW eating, family blending, extremely interesting Miss Effie Girl. (I don’t pick the names people…)

I sent her off to a happy place with these 10 questions….

1. I see you are a domestic engineer aka housewife.  Is there anything you miss about having a job?  I wanted to say real job, but then decided my day is going pretty well so far, and I didn’t want a lot of hate mail)
2. What one thing/lesson did you learn from your Nan that you still follow today?
3. Why did you start to blog?
4. I’m a bit scared to ask…RAW eating habits…Please explain. (I saw gorilla wrap as dish one and then freaked out!)
5. Do you have a favourite picture-taking subject?
6. Your blended family implies, as per non-cannibal definition, you are raising more than one little human. (i.e compared to an actual human smoothie…)  What is your biggest tip for raising a girl? (I need all the help I can get)
7. Does your husband know about your blog?
8. At what time of day/night do you blog?
9. Do you have a bucket list?  If yes, what is the most outrageous thing on it that you still want to do?
10. What do you know about South Africa?

and then she returned the favour with my 10 mind-probing questions.  Here goes…

1. Are you ever afraid to travel to a certain place, for as much as you do?

Yes.  Maybe the more accurate answer is intimidated. 

And places who falls within that definition include Nigeria, Mali, Somalia or any other country that might abduct me and ask for a ransom for I’m not sure whether the family will pay…They will have to choose between spending cash or having some extra peace and quiet.   Also scared of going to China because I’m not a very adventures diner i.e. Monkeyshit and Cockroach flambé is not something I want to taste, ever.

2. When someone responds to your post, do you think one reply to their comment is enough, or should it go back and forth as long as it can?

Only if the comments are funny.  Kidding. 

I truly appreciate every comment I get and those quick conversations is how we built a community.  It takes time to not just click the like button.  I love comments.  Giving and getting them.  I always prefer to get in the final word, so about going back and forth, Bring it on.

3. How many languages do you speak?

Two and a quarter. 

English is my second language which should explain my limited vocabulary.  I LOVE the thesaurus and synonym function on MS Word and abuse it constantly.  My first language, the one I speak most of the time is Afrikaans, which sort of sounds like a mix between German/Dutch/Russian; spoken at the speed of light. 

(The quarter is for the Spanish lessons I tried two years ago.  Ole! )

4. What are the funniest things your children have said they want to be when they grow up?

To be like me!  I thought that was hysterical!

5. Where is the first place you will travel, once you are ‘free’ to travel ‘freely’?

I would love to tour the USA from East to West, there are so many amazing sites and cities to absorb.  I’ve only been to a limited few, but my two weeks there was amazing.  There will be a definite stop @ Disneyland.  For the kids obviously!

6. When you “Checked The Mirror”, did your wife say you still fit the profile?

Goodness No!  Woman marries a man whom they claim to love, only to spend the rest of their life trying to change him into something perfect.  I am a work in progress.  Under construction if you will.

7. Are your children ever embarrassed by you, or do they always think you are the cool dad?

The only weapon I have is collecting lead superhero figurines, and by showing off my collection to their friends, I get a very small jump in the cool-dad-index.  Another point is gained by being the only parent who agrees to act as a chaperone for Superhero movies.  Other than that not really.  And it’s not like I am not trying!  But they tolerate me…

8. Have your children read your blog, and if so, what have they said about it?

My son has given me the greatest gift ever when he was sitting on my lap as I was browsing through some of my posts.  He actually read a few and exclaimed at one point: “They’re pretty good dad.”  I love him so much more after that and modified my will accordingly.  Princess is currently behind on the ratio; 65:35.  She’s got some catchin’ up to do.

9. What is your favourite holiday to share with your family?

To quote that black singer/idol judge with the big ti.., I mean voice: “Let’s go the beach, beach, let’s go get away…” We go every December during our summer break.  The four of us are pretty close, and not freaky close mind you, but we do enjoy eloping from our normal social circles and monotonous everyday life to go built sand castles and do nothing.

10. What irritating ‘pokes’ does your wife give you, that teach you, and make you love her all the more.

 I’m normally the one who does the poking. 😉  Besides I don’t think it’s humanly possible for me to love her anymore than I do now…

And thus I wave goodbye to all my fellow linky-party connections.  May we all have an awesome weekend!  There is a song in my heart, here goes:

“I read you, you read me

We’re a happy family

With a great big ‘Hi’ and a note between us two

Won’t you click my like thing too.”

Hate that frigging Dinosaur…

Here is the http://www.inlinkz.com/wpview.php?id=314960 which I am not sure would work, but here’s hoping…

Ah dad’s open letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley

What the hell were you thinking child?

But the backlash isn’t a surprise, is it?  You planned it carefully.  It was cold and calculated.  Your hands are soaked with her blood and you relish in it.  You wanted to kill Hannah Montana.  But in the end you not only delivered the gunshot to her head, you severed it with a blunt knife, then dozed her in petroleum, and while burning, pushed her off a cliff.  Filled with glee you cremated every trace of the Disney sweetheart.  You smilingly vaporised any memory that might still exist of the fact that the two of you were the same person.  It was premeditated death by twerking.

Why, my child, why?  Did you not earn enough money as the kid star?  Were your fan base not big enough? Did you despise being idolised by millions?

For this was your reality.  You became famous and moved out of the shadows of your father as a direct result of Hannah.  Most people have made decisions that we regret in one way or another, past actions that we are so ashamed of that we pray daily for it to remain buried deep in the sands of time.  Is this why you did it?  Were you ashamed of being seen as a nice American girl?

Thank you very much for putting me in a position where I have to explain to my 11 year-old daughter, why Miley Cyrus turned into a slut.  Fortunately for parents world-wide you have become almost unrecognisable from your alter ego with the blond wig.  Unfortunately your name pops up often and now I have to explain to my little girl why it is inappropriate to dance like that. Ever.

Kids grow up, I know, no-one said it would be easy.  No-one said you had to stay a prune forever, in fact no-one expected you too.  Glimpses of greatness was obvious with Party in the USA, and your latest song isn’t even half bad. So why oh why would you create such a spectacle of yourself in front of a gazillion people watching.  Were you high?  Honestly, please tell me, for it would be a much easier conversation with my daughter then trying to say “She was sober and just fucked up.”  And relax I will choose my words better in that conversation.

The upside of the whole debacle is the proof you supplied to my daughter that people will disappoint you, that finding role models and inspirational people is extremely difficult these days.  You enforced the idea that fame and money corrupts, something I don’t even have to discuss with her, she can just watch the Youtube video. And due to your unique interpretation of “things you can do with a rubber finger” I’m hoping she never has to.  The message you did put across, very successfully I might add, is that she needs to be her own hero and that finding and living her own dream is the only secret to happiness.  Thanks for that.

You are a grown woman and you can say whatever you want to.   But in the end I think you forgot about those innocent girls who is still idolising you.  The Hannah Montana girls whom you left behind.  The girls that adored you, that still wants to know everything you do.  Love it or hate it, normal people cannot separate their past from their present.  You’re obviously not normal, as the girl prancing on stage had NO resemblance whatsoever to the poster of the young woman my daughter has had on her wall.  That poster is what made you girl!

Your dad must be so proud after your amazingly agile stripper performance at the VMA’s on Sunday, as every Dad lives for that moment when their little princess becomes the sex-crazed slut they always wanted them to be.  I suppose no one can blame you for pushing your ass up into Robin Thicke’s crotch as he did resemble a barber pole in that outfit.

Congrats on being the most talked about thing of this year’s awards show, and for dethroning Kanye West as my biggest a-hole on TV.  And say Hi to your boyfriend, who must be super psyched knowing what everyone is going to be talking about when the two of you walk down the street.  You obviously have a lot of consideration for his views and beliefs.

In the end I am still left perplexed.  Why would anyone want to come of as a cheap, nympho?  I suppose it does require a certain lack of self-respect.

In the mean time, I’ll just stick with my current answer about you being…well you know what.

Yours sincerely

Ah dad…

How to release my beast.

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Like to thank my mother-in-law for her passport photo as she posted this on http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

There are two facts relating to the content of this post.  One – the title is misleading, and two – it’s the seventh version of it, prior to me clicking the blue publish button.  I was forced to submit the content through a frustration filter in order to eliminate heaps of profanity and thus end up with a fit-for-this-blog edition.  If I didn’t do this, my reputation as an upstanding citizen, with parental responsibilities might have been ruined forever.  Ok, I am dreaming about being an upstanding citizen but at least I have a dream…

Getting back to fact number one, misleading title.  When I use the word misleading I don’t imply wrong or deceitful, just interpretation. Releasing the beast might tweak illusions of grandeur as it refers to the beast that gives us strength in moments of desperation to achieve greatness.  This is not about that beast. The beast I am referring to is the horned red skinned one, with the forked tail and blazing eyes.

In reality ever human have moments where life doesn’t just crack your skin; it burst open releasing a temper demon that jumps out with a loud: “Here’s Johnny!”

This is my how to guide on what to do when you want to see my beast released.  It’s 100% guaranteed as witnesses by several people, including colleagues, friends and the wife.  What can I say, some things piss me off.

I will keep this version fairly simple, like a Release-the-beast-for-dummies.  I will also try to explain why these triggers work so effectively on me.  These triggers can be performed in the comfort of your home as it all relates to e-mail.  Unfortunately these manifestations might not be seen by the sender, unless it’s trigger #one.

Here follows 5 triggers on “HOW TO RELEASE MY BEAST.”

Trigger 1: Send me a mail from the office next door that does not have any document, spreadsheet, meeting schedule or other piece of useful information attach to it.  Only use a few cryptic words to make it sound important.

I just think that if you have something to say to me, it might be more appropriate to get of your fat ass and walk the four metres to my office.  It will be beneficial to your health.  Walking would allow those little red bloods cells to speed up and then you might even burn a calorie or two, which I’m sure the hinges of your fridge will appreciate.

Trigger 2: Send me a chain letter.  You know those mails that you forward to eleven friends to prevent yourself from walking home and getting maimed by a falling ostrich.

First of all, when you’re in the habit of forwarding chain letters, I’m surprised you still have friends.  It’s that annoying.  Life has taught me: There is no such thing as a free lunch.  Let’s put it in perspective, it actually means: There. is. no. such. thing. as. a free. lunch.  If you think sending a picture of a crying girl to 11 people will open the heavens and make buckets of cash fall from the sky, well you’re just fuckin stupid.  And the world doesn’t need to know that.

Trigger 3: Send me a PowerPoint presentation with pictures of cats.

A hate cats.  They’re cunning and deceitful creatures.  As kittens they’re all cute and playful. Then they grow up to be bossy, toplofty, pompous and shit. Just like a teenager.  As the owner you’re only good enough to feed them, if they allow it.  Do this and I will go all chain letter and spam on your mailbox.

Trigger 4. Send me a reminder mail, forty seconds after the first mail. 

I have a life and my only purpose on earth is NOT to sit and wait for your message.  I am sorry that I don’t climax and drop everything when your name pops up in my inbox.  I am also sorry that your concept of a reasonable reply time is out of tune with mine.  And if you have the balls to enlarge the font of the mail and write the word “reminder” on the top, then well.  Screw you.  Delete sequence initiated.

Trigger 5: Send me a condescending mail with a smiley face.

We are not in kindergarten anymore.  Sarcasm is a science, a skill that I have worked on for many years to execute perfectly.  How dare you consider that adding a smiley face is enough to hide your initial intention?  Reading it gives me an uncontrollable urge to rearrange your face with a frying pan to resemble your chosen emoticon.

There it is.  Five easy ways to get my temper thermometer into crimson red by the click of a button.  Truth be told I am actually a real fun-loving, nice guy, but again that’s what they said about Dr Jeckyl.

Love you all. Mail me @ …

Greed on display

File:NBC Take It All .jpgI know there is crap on television everyday.  It is a fact that modern man/woman/child may spend countless days watching bull shit in their living rooms.  I also accept the fact that the viewer chooses, out of his own free will, what he/she wants to watch, as the flick of a button doesn’t take that much energy.

When I’m bored and I surf a little, I sometimes stumble on actual proof that our society is sliding down a bannister into the pits of hell, case in point this post.  Other times I actually want to watch a program with an interesting concept, only to end up believing that we might as well be living in the Hunger Games, the only difference being children are not killed for entertainment…Yet.

New case in point, an American game show called Take it all.

The premise, for those of you who haven’t watch it, five contestants pick numbers and receive prices valued in a specific price range.  Every round the person who picks the lowest priced item is eliminated.  There is therefore some skill involved in your ability to guess the price tag on random articles such as a boxing ring or a photographic booth.  (Which was two of the prices on the show I watched)  You can either pick a number or take one of the already chosen prices from the other contestants.  As you progress to the next level you retain the prices you picked.

Until there is only two contestants left, then there is a PRICE FIGHT.  Also announced with a lot of fanfare.  This is where I got sick.

Each contestant has two options.  They can choose “Take it all” or “Keep mine”.   When both contestants select “Keep mine”, they walk away with everything they have won. If only one person selects “Keep mine”, the one who picked “Take it all” walks away with all the prices collected by both finalists.  Opponent get’s nothing, nada, zilch.  Not even a pat on the back.  The tricky part is when both of them choose “Take it all” both contestants end up with nothing.  Wikipedia said the final round of the game is based on the Prisoner’s dilemma.

We know game-show producers are some of the most twisted bastards alive, so to add insult to injury, both contestants pick an envelope with a cash value ranging from 25 to 250 k, and it’s added to the basket of prices.

Sounds like fun?  I though so too.

Then I saw the reality of the game playing out last night.  I knew now what a modern day, real life villain looks like.  Forget the Joker, Sebastian Shaw or any guest from the Jerry Springer show.  There was a guy last night who resembled the lowest of the low on offer on the shelves of homo sapiens integrity.  This excuse of a man had the ethic and moral fibre of a snake.

Both contestants had the chance to discuss their choices and both decided that they will pick “Keep mine”, listening to both of their emotional stories of loss and wanting to give something back.  Then Captain Prick, whom I will hit in the face if ever I see him in real life, screwed his opponent and took everything from the poor girl on the left.  That must have been a really proud moment for his parents whom realised that they have raised the biggest ass alive.

“Only a game”, you might say, “Chill out brother.”  I am not your brother, anyhow…

It is a game based on greed.  It’s a game that takes one of the seven deadly sins and twists it into fun, exploiting the carnal desire of WANT for our entertainment.  Seeing how one person can be so conniving, spiteful and deceiving is NOT fun.  It stimulated my need to vomit and cry at the same time.  The wife and I just sat there dumbstruck and went into parenting mode immediately, as our kids were watching this “family entertainment” with us.

Is this what we do for entertainment now?  It this the kind of thing people want to see?  I  understand that the players signing on for the show knows the risks involved, but why she didn’t beat the shit out of him is beyond me.  That is control, with a capital C.  I can’t remember seeing such an obvious, in-your-face, display of greed, since I watch Se7en.

What are we suppose to do now, in that specific timeslot, on a Sunday afternoon?  I say let’s kill kittens, because it would probably make me less sick.