Thank you for recognizing my blog

All in a Dad’s Work (catchy isn’t it?) felt the need to give other people homework (I think he’s a teacher) and therefore nominated me with a “Blogger Recognition award”.  I’m eternally grateful for this as I haven’t received any kind of award in a very long time.  It’s unfortunately not the type of award that I can place on the mantel next to my participation in a play, which I received in third grade.  It’s not a physical object. Unless off course you print the image displayed in the content below and put it in a frame.  I just hope he also nominated a few blogs of colour…I certainly don’t want to be in the middle of a whole new #bloggerrecognitionawardsowhite controversy.

Whether that be the case or whether I end up framing it or not, I’m going to run with my nomination.  I like recognition.  Any kind of recognition.  Mainly because we have two teenagers in the house and the Wife and I are becoming more and more invisible every day.

Any reward has rules. Continue reading

Dude is funny

One of my life goals have been achieved.  I have kept my training regime long enough to allow Dude to catch up and reach the age where he can finally join me in my daily trips to the gym without making it seem like child abuse.  The one thing I didn’t expect was to age at least ten years as soon as I walked in with a teenager by my side.  I wanted to introduce Dude as a friend of mine but friends don’t call friends “Dad”.  At least not in the circles I move in.  He blew my cover in the first few seconds.  I suppose I should feel flattered that people were surprised to learn of my fifteen year-old son.  Or maybe I should be insulted?  The jury is still out on that one.

I cherish and savor these moments of alone time with him more than he would ever know.  Now I’m gonna man up, grow a pair and drop all this sentimental shenanigans… Continue reading

I’m just a Dad who wonders from which part of heaven his kids came from.

I hate it when people brag on Facebook.  Whether it is about the fact that they’ve successfully managed to crack open an egg for the first time in their life or were able to crochet a puppy out of peacock spit.  It gets even worse when parents are allowed to brag and flaunt the fact that their brat has just learned how to put his pants on correctly.  At age twelve.  Or any other life-changing achievement.

With that being said, some things are worth mentioning like if your kid has found  a cure for cancer.  My gripe are with those parents who considers EVERY RANDOM THING their kids do, to be spectacular and then post it on Facebook.  But I’m not one of those parents. I prefer to use my blog when I feel the need to brag about my kids…

Basically because I’m surprised about their achievements. Continue reading

It’s not only lions who mark their territory.

In nature the strongest males mark their territory by urinating against trees, rocks and basically anything that doesn’t move.  The leader of the pack prance around spraying its distinctive scent.  Lions do it, dogs do it, hippo’s do it (ok, they spray something else), even lemur’s do it, after singing “I like to move it, move it”.

Did you know that buff dudes at the gym like to do it too?

We have a member in our gym who walks around like he has is the biggest member of all.  Continue reading

This is 40…Round 6

One wouldn't say so...

One wouldn’t say so…

Time’s running out.  Someone took a rocket missile and blasted that little opening between the two cubicles of the hour glass to smithereens, resulting in the last few minutes of my 39th year flowing as freely as the tears from teeny boppers at a Justin Bieber concert.  So I need to speed up the posts, if I still wanna make the list of 40 lessons I’ve learned in my so-called life, before I hit forty, or as it’s known in in my house rock-bottom.

26. Pick up your clothes.  For garments made from cotton, polyester and whatever else they use these days, does not grow legs.  It can’t pick itself up.  So by you NOT doing it, implies someone else have too.  Learn this now and the nagging will stop immediately.  The alternative would be to just let the clothes pile up and then (1) You might have a very interesting (and expensive) mountain climbing rig in your room, or (2) You’ll suffocate and die, just like Alexander The Great.  Yes he did.  (But who would not want to see Angelina Jolie picking up clothes in his room!)  Another benefit would be that when you acquire the skill of putting clothes in the washing bin, you will retain it as an adult and your future wife will also have one less reason to nag you.

27. Don’t get mad.  Get even.  Sorry, I meant to say: Don’t go to bed mad.  Sleep on the floor.  No, no, no.  I’ trying to say: Don’t fall asleep with anger hovering like a ghost in the room.  It’s another cliché, but this one doesn’t get the necessary credit is so rightly deserves.  Even when you’re married to an angel, like I am, you sometimes find that they need to send their wings for dry-cleaning and they end up preparing dinner as a mere mortal.  In comes husband, who is totally unaware of said dry-cleaning gig, and he complains about the lack of red meat on the menu.  The look will escalate into a full blown fit, morphing into a serious tiff and eventually explodes all over the kitchen walls, with deafening silence.  And this is not a good quiet, like when you’re sitting in church, this is video with no audio.  The silence is followed by awkwardness that fills the loving space we used to call home and as we’re forced to share a bed, we talk.  Well mostly they talk and we listen.  But there’s understanding, reconciliation, hugs and great make-up sex.  For those are the best kind. (Should I have stopped sooner…)

28. Yes.  People at our age still do it, and Yes. We still love to do it.  (Now I’ll watch you squirm and try and get over that one…hehe)

29. Find something you’re prepared to do for free, every day and choose that as your career.  Obviously this needs some explaining, as this doesn’t necessary include PlayStation gaming or Social networking, unless of course you’re the next Mark Zuckenberg, who can screw over his friends, or get a job with some gaming company.  If you’re fortunate enough to end up gaming for a salary, just consider your reply when hanging around new people and they ask you for your occupation.  Answering with “I’m a player” might not go down well with the ladies.

30. If you’re in a relationship and you realise it’s not going to work out, or you know that the person is not the one, end it.  For both your sakes.  There’s no sense in dragging on with a relationship when it is as clear as dish-washed crystal that it’s never gonna last.  Move one.  To be in a relationship takes time, effort and commitment, and then there’s trust and compromise, and let’s not forget about the money.  I know I’m forgetting something… Oh yes love.  It needs love.  But even with all these things in place, every couple goes through bad patches, those special moments when you contemplate the choices you’ve  made and murder.  But when I refer to “work” in a relationship, it should NOT conjure images of a guy, standing in ankle chains, swinging a hammer at rocks in an orange jumpsuit.  If your relationship feels like a life sentence instead of a life journey; then it might be time to break out.  You’ll both be happier, eventually.

I have 10 more to go, and it suddenly dawned on me: Wisdom grows with age.  Which would be a logical reason why I’m racking my brain for another 10 of these thing-a-ma-advise-thingies.  I’m STILL A YOUNGSTER!  But I won’t quit. I will list forty, even if  I have to lie and make some up.

This is 40…Round 5

Here we go.  The next five lessons and/or bits of advise for my children in the wake of me turning forty in eight days.  Eight days people!! It’s almost less than a week.  Where’s that frigging brown paper bag.  Breath…in…Breath…out…Breath in…Breath out…

21. Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Pick your battles.  Don’t take life too seriously.  Or however you would like to define not to be worried about small useless things, like being stuck in traffic (unless you’re driving your 8 cm dilated wife to the hospital!) or not having chicken on a plane.  Relax, life might be spiteful in the small things, but the rewards in the bigger things are HUGE.  Just open your eyes and use the right focal lenses, for then you will see the treasures shining like the Sun, as seen from any place in the Southern hemisphere in summer.

22. Except your body.  All the imperfections.  Those crooked teeth that needs braces, sorry Son, that’s a gift from Dad.  That slightly bigger nose and poor eyesight, sorry Princess, that’s all Mom.  Our genetic codes combined might have resulted in spectacular little people, but certain faults slipped through the cracks.  So unless you have one eye, three legs (down boy), or blue reptile skin, then you don’t really have a problem.  Relax.  (see point 21).  Each person on earth has a body part that they hate.  But think about this…  If everyone had the perfect body then millions of plastic surgeons would be without work.  And their families without food and shelter.  The car industry would have fallen flat for they would no longer need a scantily clad woman sitting on a bonnet to sell the Volkswagen.  And that would destroy several of the third world countries we know today.  Hollywood would have to start making realistic movies and several rich bitches behind the big cosmetic houses of the world wouldn’t be able to afford the caviar and French champagne they consume daily.  Then there’s death and a loss of taxes.  We shouldn’t be selfish.  We should consider these people.  They need ugly.  They need imperfections.  They need us.

23. Study your asses off.  Yes, I know you’re skipping past this one.  It was inevitable, it’s an ancient truth that no scholar ever believes.  Ironically once you’re stuck behind a counter at McDonald’s at the age of forty three with two kids at home, crying for food, then yes, then only do people consider the importance of this valuable life lesson.

24. Don’t let any man treat you like a piece of shit.  I understand this might be applicable to Princess, but Son, heads up…  If any prick whom is fortunate enough to end up in a relationship with you, treats you worse than I did, two words:  Dump him.  Quickly.  For you are worthy of the highest level of adoration from any man.  You’re a unique being, the brightest light, a precious orchid blooming proudly in a pasture of common lilies.  Expect nothing less from a man.  And if he ever raises his hands, so help me God I will place his manly parts in a electric pencil sharpener and press the button, with the biggest smile ever to appear on a human face.

25. Sing and dance whenever you can, and do it like no one’s watching.  Do it often, anywhere, whether you might have the voice of a sick mocking jay, who only ever heard Kanye West, or the rhythm of a dog in heat.  Just do it, for to dance and sing implies happiness.   And people like to see happy.  People are inspired by happy.  People need happy.  Be one of the shiny, happy people of our world.

Ah Dad signing out.  For now that is…

PS – Only eight days left…shit!

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This is 40…Round 3

This is starting to sound like an answering machine message.  You know those monotonous few sentences that is the same on every machine in the world.  But in order not to seem lazy, here’s a summary of what I’m ranting about:  This post is the third set of 5 in a series of 40 things I’ve learned in my short life, which I’m jotting down for my kids and anyone else who might want to learn from the school fees I’ve paid.  I’m dishing out the knowledge free of charge for I’m turning forty in 15 days.

So before some of my regular readers fall asleep, here’s the next five…

11. Appreciate your family.  All of them.  All of the mongrels, hobbits, weirdo’s, streakers and sluts you think they might be.  In the end, you can’t pick who are privileged enough to share the distinguishing quality of having the same blood coursing through their veins, so just love them and accept them for who they are.  You may even limit social interactions to Christmas and birthdays, but make the effort.  For when, and let’s hope it doesn’t happen, the shit REALLY hits the fan, you might find that the Hobbit on your mother’s side, who has been living under a tree, might be the only one who’s prepared to join you on your quest of recovery.

12. Respect alcohol.  You may use it, but respect it.  For if you don’t it will turn around and bitch-slap you across the face.  And then once you’re lying on the floor surprised, it will jump on you and kick all the living shit out of you.  And it WILL happen at least once in your life.  Then you will see the amazing transformation when the mightiest men turn into mumbling fools, right in front of your eyes.  It’s also extremely potent as a cleaning agent.  For it has the potential to remove everything and anything from your life.  Your money.  Your time.  Your friends.  Your family.  Your career.  Everything.  And it won’t stop there.  It will even delete your name or at the very least diminish it, to a grovelling version of its former self.  Use, don’t abuse.

13. Consider what you post on social networks.  And this might come as a surprise, but if you don’t and you are careless and ignorant and self-absorbed or just a plain pompous ass, then you might end up on the floor, shocked and surprised with no friends.  Sort of like I described above.

14. Cherish your friends. And the great thing about friends are that you have the right to choose who you want in your life.  But don’t be picky and judgemental.  As I know I’m the only perfect human on this planet, that excludes you from that description.  With every issue you might have with friends, just remember they might have the same issue with you.  And they still stuck with you, so get over it and move on.  Friendships are the desserts in the buffet of life for they make everything you do with them, that much sweeter.

15. Have children.  They are the biggest blessing one can ever hope to receive in this world today.  You will never ever doubt your purpose on earth, and you’ll be fulfilled and uplifted every time you see them, doesn’t matter how bad your day might have been.  (Well, at least until they turn into teenagers, that is.)  And be kind to them.  For they are going to choose your nursing home and you never know when you might need a new kidney.

Ticked number fifteen.  Watch this space for more to come.  And yes I know, you can thank me later.

This is 40…Round 2

In an on-going series of dispersing 40 titbits of wisdom in anticipation of my own turning later this month (21 days and counting), please find the next 5 thingies I’m listing for the ignorant and desolate out there.  I’m here to help.

(Ok, it’s actually for my kids…)

6. Start a blog.  Surprised? You shouldn’t be.  Having a blog is an essential part of achieving total fulfilment and a real tangible sense of self worth.   Sadly, I only discovered this invaluable tonic a year ago, but alas, life is not about when you acquire wisdom, it merely requires that you do.  Acquire. Wisdom.

7. Don’t burn any bridges.  And this implies to all aspects of life, work, friendship and relationships.  Life has a very odd sense of humour and just when you think you become invincible; you’ll be confronted with someone that has grown a black heart; for you screwed them over in some way.  Do you really want to meet the Wicked Witch of the West on a sunny Tuesday morning, only to discover that you were the reason why her heart withered away?  She might even turn around and release a whole army of winged apes on your sorry ass.

8. Don’t take selfies.  And please don’t post them.  Ah dad… bought a camera and would be more than happy to use my limited knowledge of photography and capture your best pose, and then edit it with Photoshop.  If the airplane ticket is included in the request, I am prepared to fly anywhere.  (Except Nigeria, Papua New Guinea and the Ivory Coast for  I’ve been there and it sucks.)  I refuse to take a pic whilst you’re doing some arbitrary thing like eating ice cream, hanging on a door or shoving your butt in my face.  You’re a girl?  You’ll do it without a shirt?  Well, that just chances everything. Call me.

9. People can be real assholes sometimes.  If you believe this to be true, just remember you’re a people too.  And nobody’s perfect so chances are you have also had a moment, or probably more than one, where you have allowed your little dark hole at the back to do the talking for you.  Don’t judge to harshly.

10.  Love and respect your parents, for they pay your pocket money and provide food, and when you’re old enough to earn income of your own, pay it back.  (I’m only kidding…  Unless you insist…)  Anyhow, just understand that the rule will continue to apply; for parents will become cheap (read as free) babysitters for the mongrels that is yet to be birthed from your loins.  Take care.  It will be worth it.

There it is, my second set of snippets, done.  Another five things I’ve learned whilst spending time breathing oxygen.

Life changing stuff hey?

(Missed out on Round 1?  No worries. It’s here.)