You had one job to do. Just one.

Stupidity is a human condition. A rampant desease that infects people like a zombie virus. No-one is safe. Sometimes it’s only a momentary lapse of reason but there have been reports of severe cases where complete idiots are running around sharing their germs with the rest of us on a full time basis. And just like a zombie virus we run the risk of these infected ones spreading irrational thoughts and actions to the point of causing an apocalypse of intelligence on the planet. We constantly need to stomp out these dim-witted individuals. How about a register?

I receiced a call from our security company a few weeks ago about a parcel that is to be delivered to our plant. Nothing strange except for the fact that I am never called about deliveries. Continue reading

An inefficient use of the word “proud”.

As soon as the nurse plucks that red, screaming infant from his mother’s womb and place him/her in your arms you become a Dad.  It’s an immediate association.  You go from the awkward guy in scrubs to a father instantaneously.  With a sudden awareness that it is now your responsibility of raising this little, screaming thing, who some would say, look just like you. If you were screaming at the top of your lungs like your life depended on it.  For boob-food.

And so it continues.  You take him home and try to make sure that he is fed, burped, dry, clean, warm or whatever other thing that might cause that dead-raising-bawl.   The howling noise that make all men nervous.  Continue reading

Why alcohol is like gummi-berry juice.

Remember this?  If you don’t, then The Bangles is probably a reference to jewellery, MacGyver is a miss-pronunciation of McGruber and Mr T is NOT a member of the A-Team.

However, once upon a time, when kids were still kids and sex and drugs only belonged to the Hippies, Tramps and Heavy Metal Bands, all those innocent eyes were glued to this Disney series.  Eagerly anticipating the weekly, random adventures of Gummi, Gruffy, Sunny and Co.  What made it such a great show, was the fact that, with the help of a little gummi-berry juice, these bears became even greater versions of themselves.  Semi-super-heroes.  This enabled them to outwit, or technically out-jump, all those stupid, awful trolls, who shared the forest they lived in.  And then, if you’re not hooked already, the few humans who were fortunate enough to share in the sweet taste of the gummi-berry juice, gained super strength.  Yes, it was that awesome…

What is a little known fact is that the creators of this series, got the idea after attending a frat party.  They were seeing all the students bouncing around from having a beer or a glass of wine or both or several and then, WA-LAH, the Gummy-Bears were born.  We all know that most alcoholic beverages has the potential to create enhanced versions of ourselves, whilst serving the dual purpose of dulling the boredom of modern day life.  And people.  But just like the gummy-berry juice, once the user has too much of the al-co-hol,  there will always be disastrous consequences.

Our subconscious minds are programmed, believe it or not, to do its utmost preventing us from making a total ass of ourselves.  It’s a built in form of self-preservation.  Unfortunately alcohol doesn’t help this cause.  At some point al-co-hol becomes the formaldehyde cloth over your mind, forcing your inhibition and brain into a comatose state.  And in most cases, just before it’s lights out, your brain will have a final attempt at screaming the warning of “DON’T HAVE ANOTHER ONE!”, which will be ignored by two out of three sane, contributing members of society. And then all hell will break lose.

When you hear that final scream echoing through your slightly intoxicated state, remember that one jug of gummi-berry juice too many, might imply the difference between:

  1. A happy, bouncing, funny individual or a clumsy, stumbling, sad little idiot.
  2. A party-animal everyone loves or an animal that ruined the party for everyone.
  3. A thought provoking philosopher or an annoying, mumbling fool.
  4. A romantic Don Juan or a flaccid, crying baby.
  5. An awe-inspiring night with the hot chick or waking up next to Joan Rivers.
  6. Having an opinion about work collegues or telling your boss to fuck off and take his job with him.
  7. Joking and laughing about the 20 bucks you lost to the one-armed bandit or explaining to your wife why you lost the house in a game of poker.
  8. Cracking a joke with the bouncer about his big biceps or lying in hospital because of his big biceps.
  9. Being an excellent dancer or lying flat-faced on the concrete floor, wondering how the hell you got there.
  10. Waking up with a light buzz and some bags under your eyes or wondering what you said to Thor that made him use his hammer on your head.  Seventeen times.
  11. Waking up feeling like you’re about to die or waking up wishing for it too actually happen.
  12. Waking up, smiling at some of the crazy things you did the night before or waking up with a tiger in your hotel room and an ugly tattoo on your face.

So next time you attend a function in the presence of gummy-berry juice, it might be wise to establish some internal locus of control, thereby preventing you from going back the next day, apologizing to the host for the couch in his pool and collecting the kids you forgot.

For alcohol is an evil ogre.  Whilst you handle it with respect; nothing happens and both of you will stand, laughing, leaning on one another having a jolly good time.  But as soon as you start slinging abuse and showing obvious disrespect, well, that is when the same ogre will take your bottom jaw, pull it over your nose and blow so much air up your ass, you’ll be floating away just like that poor frog in Shrek.

Just saying.  And now we have no more excuses.

The writer has no personal experience in any of the adverse effects of alcohol, and only writes his theories based on research.  Well unless you exclude the face-plant episode and the mumbling fool and the…