Taking Time to Thank Three

I’m busy with Writing 101.  If I knew it was going to be so much work I probably would not have signed up.  I’m not a quitter, just lazy.  And it’s getting serious, having to remember my childhood and shit.

In the midst of my attempt at keeping my normal posts running and also exercising a few mind splits and back-flips in between, I’ve been nominated by three great people for a few awards.  An award is always a huge surprise to me, much like each new follower that joins my world.

The greatest people in my life, today would be:

The Wife – For no reference on greatness may exclude  her ever, as written in our prenuptial agreement.

Mss C over at an Unkept Mind for considering me worthy of an Inspirational Blog award, nogal.  She’s one of my countrymen, so be sure to check her out.  I meant to say her blog.  I don’t know what she looks like.

Kimberley M Ringer and A.Promptreply who has given me the task of replying to their “A Lovely Blog” nomination/s.  Aren’t they nice?  Their blogs definitely are.  Very nice. Continue reading

Death by Liebster award

It happened quickly, me dying of too much excitement when I realised I was nominated for another Liebster award.

John over at the Monkey Bellhop kills me with laughter every time I visit his site.  Now he will probably do it again for I have taken forever to write this acceptance post for the prestigious honour, which I’ve receive humbly.  Now where’s the trophee?  I need a flippen trophee.  Mom, they don’t want to give me a trophee.

I’m sorry John.  I know excuses don’t cut it, but begging forgiveness hopefully will.  Imagine a deranged man on his knees, tears streaming down his face, trying to find words of apology through constant sobs.  (While I’m actually sitting in a semi-comfi chair drinking a Merlot and typing very slowly with two fingers.) Isn’t writing awesome?

Anyhow. If you’ve been nominated for the Liebster Award and accept it, you need to follow a few rules.  (11 to be exact.  And what’s with 11?  It’s 11 this and 11 that)

  1. Write a blog post about the Liebster Award. check
  2. Thank the person that nominated you. check, and here’s hoping he’ll forgive me, sob, sob.
  3. Post a link to their blog on your blog. check
  4. Display the award on your blog and include it in your post and/or display it using a widget. check, here.
  5. Answer the 11 questions about yourself provided by the person who nominated you. ok...check…scroll down.
  6. Give 11 random facts about yourself. check…scroll further down
  7. Nominate 5-11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have less than 1000 followers. check…this is like way at the bottom
  8. Create a new list of questions for the nominated bloggers to answer. shit, this is where China is approximately
  9. List the rules in your post. check
  10. Inform the bloggers you’ve nominated them for the Liebster Award. Remember to give them a link to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!). busy.

With some wine, a keyboard and a little bit of brainpower I’m ready to run the gauntlet of 11 questions:

  • If you were alone on a desert island and could get out of your wireless phone contract without any penalties, which carrier would you pick?

Apple.  When faced with a technology problem and you are dealing with an American, the answer should always be Apple.

  • What is more frightening?  Waking up and finding a spider on your pillow or waking up and finding you are married to Larry King?

Well that question is a bit of a conundrum for Larry King already resembles a kind of spider, Daddy long legs.  Do you see the resemblance?

  • If you could be in two places at once where would you be? (please don’t answer two places at once)

Shit.  Normally when I’m doing arbitrary house chores, like cleaning the pool, I imagine doing it shirtless for Kate Beckinsale.  (I also imagine that I look good shirtless) and then I imagine she really likes getting close and personal with her pool cleaner.  That’s three places at once, and I’m standing next to the pool with a stupid grin on my face.

  • If you could have dinner with anyone living or dead who would it be?

Obvious answer.  Kate Beckinsale.  And my wife.  Ah dad, you’re stuck.  Choices, choices.

  • If you could have dinner with anyone living or dead what would you order?

Italian food.  Or human brains, if I was a zombie, you know living dead.  But I’m not.  Just saying.

  • Do you think I dress appropriately for my age?

Obviously.  One has to be carefree, uninhibited and not ashamed to run around in your birthday suit.  Besides I should have warned you about the kids before you came over the last time.  It’s my fault.  By the way, they’re still laughing…

  • What was the scariest moment of your life?

Once there was this guy who came over to our house, totally naked and drunk out of his mind.  He banged on the door and Princess opened eagerly, expecting Santa Clause.  Well, she obviously got a little more than she expected and screamed like a banshee on Idols.  You know the rest of the story.

  • Are you a dog person or a cat person? (and by that I am referring to pet preference not genetics)

I hate cats, absolutely despise them.  I cannot stand the critters with their condescending looks and pompous attitudes.  I’m not a dog person.

  • Do you think the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in your lifetime and if not your lifetime, whose lifetime?

As a South African it took me hours to understand the question.  I spend hours on Google, Wikipedia and some other website that’s really disgusting.  Do you know what people can do with Ping-Pong balls?  Anyhow, the answer is blue.

  • Robert Frost advised us to “take the road less traveled.”  Do you agree and if so, is it because the police are looking for you?

No off course not.  It’s just that this specific road takes me past the pub on the way home.

  • If you caught a fish who granted you three wishes if you let it go, but at that very moment,  a starving leprechaun appeared and told you he would give you a pot of unlimited gold for the fish, which appliance in your house could you not possibly live without?

Electricity.

Now I have to state eleven facts about myself.

  1. I’m still dumbfounded that there are new people every day who press the follow me tag on my blog.
  2. I’m annoyed that it took me almost 40 years to discover how much I enjoy writing.
  3. My kids are a constant source of laughter for me.  And that’s probably why I love them so much.  Saves on anti-depressants.
  4. I absolutely adore the amazing woman who shares my life.  I’m totally infatuated with her.  If we weren’t married, she would had to get a restraining order, for I would be considered a stalker.
  5. Would have killed to have a creative job.  So if there’s any editors out there, who has someone who bugs the shit out of them… I said I will kill for a creative job.
  6. I’m aiming to have another six-pack within the next four weeks.  The bottle store was out of stock.
  7. I love the Sharks Rugby team.  Confused?  Well serves you right.  Who the hell is the Chicago Cubs?
  8. Took art classes once.  Poor woman resigned after that six weeks.
  9. Even after nine years it still sucks to get up at five in the morning to train.
  10. Didn’t realise 11 facts about myself would put so much strain on my brain.
  11. Collect Asterix novels, Superhero lead figurines and keep a register of every movie I have ever seen.  I need help, I know.

Then you have to nominate a few blogs worthy of this special recognition.  And just to be fair, I will not be as patient as John in the replies.  Get on it.  Or to quote Britney: Work Bitch!  The fortunate people who doesn’t have to come up with an idea for their next blog is:

Ned Hickson over @ Ned’s Blog, who doesn’t lack any imagination.  He’s like coffee, he kick starts my day.

Lester Beaver over @ Randomnessesities who gives unique and hilarious commentary on the human race from a beaver’s perspective off course.

BB Goodman over @ A story a day who comes up with the most amazing short stories. every. single. day.

Twisted Sifter over @ well Twisted Sifter who shortenes my day when I get stuck on his/her posts.

Dries de Wet over @ DeWetsWild for taking the most amazing pictures of our country, South Africa.

The jogging dad over @ thejoggingdad for making me happy to know I’m not totally insane.

Craig Strachan over @ Photopane who takes the kind of photo’s I would like to when I grow up.

Becky’s says things whom I might have nominated before but every post turns me into a giggling girl at a Bieber concert and

A Clown on fire, but watch out for this one, he’s hot.

And I know that some of these guys have more than 1000 followers, but why would I subject myself to silly rules and not reward greatness?  I’ll forgive those who accept it and do nothing, for this is hard work man!

The 11 questions I post to them would be:

  1. If you could receive the talent to win any award/price/medal in the world today, which award would you like to display on your mantel?
  2. If you knew space travel will be successful in 40 years from now, and you could get a special of buy one get one free on that shuttle.  Would you take the offer?
  3. Ted was a talking bear in a brilliant movie.  What toy did you have as a kid, that you would have liked to come to life?
  4. Thai, Indian or Mexican?
  5. Which country would you like to visit, assuming you have not been everywhere?
  6. What would you like to be remembered for?
  7. Favourite superhero movie?  Cause there’s not a bad one out there.
  8. What’s the name of the last album you bought?
  9. Favourite book? Author?
  10. Do you find it ridiculous to pay millions of dollars for a painting?
  11. Which decade in your opinion would be remembered as the greatest one in living memory?

Done.  Dusted.  Now if only I had the energy to press publish.  There.  “Your turn”, he says with a devilish grin.

Newsflash #13: On excepting awards

I’ve now been in this country for thirteen years, since I was seventeen. So this is my second home.

Hakeem Olajuwon

I have to confess something.  I have to apologize to the wonderful gals at

http://thevanillahousewife.wordpress.com/  and http://libertydee.wordpress.com/

who nominated me for a few awards.  I am only thanking them now, hence my embarrassment and apology.  My dad would be disappointed if he knew, for he didn’t raise cavemen.  He taught me that if any other blogger nominates you for an award, it is your duty, no, it’s your predetermined destiny to thank them.  (My dad was very much ahead of his time in the eighties, and he had vision)

The only excuse I have, and here’s hoping dad never reads this cause I will get a slap in the face for using an excuse, but the reality is that contrary to other people on this network who claim they earn money through blogging…well I do not.  Not a penny, zilth, nada.  It would be very cool if someone would pay me to write and would pay me enough to sustain the wife’s my lifestyle.  That would be so much fun that it would probably be illegal and considered a sin in some twisted cult somewhere.

So yes, I have a normal job.  A job that takes me away from the things I love for short periods of time, things like blogging and watching movies.  Oh yes and the family as well.

Without further ado, or before I receive another pesty e-mail from a customer, here’s going through the motions.

1. Show the logo’s of the awards.

Bouquet of Three Award and and

Cupcake4 and yes I was surprised too.

2. Mention (and thank, yes dad!) the people who nominated you.

To the ladies who nominated me, I would like to offer loads of gratitude and appreciation to the extent that the sheer volume would turn your houses into the next episodes of Hoarders.

3. Mention seven things about yourself.

It’s really difficult when you haven’t sky-dived from the Empire State building, haven’t conquered the Seven Peaks or have never navigated the Amazon blindfolded to list seven things that would interest other people.  So here’s the basic stuff.

  • Favourite type of underwear: Boxers
  • Weirdest food ever eaten: Kangaroo, only did this so my rugby slogan of “I eat Wallabies” is actually true!
  • First kiss: At fifteen and it involved tongue.
  • Pet hate: People who drive to slow, guys who drop weights in a gym, Lady Gaga and douchebags
  • Guilty pleasures: Eighties music, Zombie novels and wine. Lots and lots of red wine.
  • Greatest love: My wife…my blog…my wife…my blog.  Decisions, decisions… OK my wife.
  • Biggest achievement: Hit that one twice by the way, birth of my kids.

4. Nominate a few other blogs you feel worthy of said award.

Every single blog I follow deserves a nomination because I only follow excellence, but that list is extremely long.  A cop out?  Yes I know, but I am seeing 27 unread e-mails.  And we need to buy a fridge.

Liebster award (or Are you kidding me? as it’s known in my house)

I try to be original whilst channelling the randomness, that is my mind, through my fingers on a keyboard, to the blank screen.  And whilst typing I do my utmost to make these ramblings entertaining with speckles of funny, sarcasm, charm and sincerity.  But my reaction to any award nomination is pretty generic.  I scream, cry, laugh and pee.  In that order, every time.

So thanks to this funny writer I have to make up feeble excuses for the massive yellow stain I have on my pants now.  Spilled coffee worked well, as that could also explain why I gave the bone-chilling scream.  The only problem is that I don’t need more reasons for people to stand in groups, ogle me suspiciously, laugh and then shake their heads.

Enough of my own insecurities.  This lady, I trust she is that, remains one of the best things on this site, so here’s hoping you get your shit together and go read her stuff.  Check this out…  I hope to be just as funny when I grow up, and write at least half as well.

For this award to mean something there has to be some rules and as a child born in the seventies I don’t do rules well, but here goes.

  1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
  2. Post 11  facts about yourself, answer the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
  3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
  4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
  5. No tag back thingys.  (WTF?)

So the only downfall of this is listing 11 things about myself.  I am only slightly vain, so this is a challenge for me.  Although my fan club wold disagree.  All three of them.

1. I really don’t like winters, and the worst part is, getting out of bed.  This sucks eggs and socks and every degenerate thing on earth.  It’s moments in the morning that I wish I could come back as a bear, or even a damn rodent, just to hibernate for the whole season.

2. I have been nominated for a Liebster award.  I know it is kinda obvious, but let me relish in my moment please.

3. I was invited to a be a contributing writer on www.parents-space.com. (Which was another Are you kidding me!-moment.)  Great site by the way, packed with wisdom and other stuff.  Don’t thank me, thank her.

4. I hate any form of violence against woman and children, and no, this is not trying to score browning points.  Punishment for these sick fucks should be so severe that it cannot be written down anywhere, as reading it would cause immediate vomiting.

5. I love my wife.  (This is trying to score browning points)

6. My brother-in-law was the first person to suggest I start a blog, thanks for my new addiction and thus ruining my life, Callum!

7. I am writing these stories for my kids so I try and keep the language as kid friendly as possible.  (Here’s hoping they read it) But sometimes great adjectives cannot replace simple words like fuck.  And this is such a versatile word; for it can be used as a verb, an adjective, an expression, an outcry and even a noun. (I’ll still blog about this one day)

8.  I am really battling to get to 11, so I decided to revert to the simple stuff.  I love orange…the colour and the fruit.

9.  I am 6″4, weighing around 212 pounds.  This might be too much information, correct?

10. I am not sure what’s my wife’s natural hair colour.

11.  I might be screwed up a little, but I have the genetic ability to create the greatest little humans around.  Fortunately for them they turned out to look more like their mom, so they don’t need to work that hard on their personalities.

Now the Eleven Questions:

1. If you could be a superhero, what power would you want?  Flight, superhuman strength, invisibility, telepathy, teleportation, ability to project force fields and ability to stop time.  “Ah dad, they said only pick one.”  Screw them.  I want them all.

2. Coke or Pepsi?  Coke, with some Captain Morgan.  Damn I’m thirsty now.

3. What do you believe in? That I would be a lost soul if it wasn’t for the anchor to my existence, my wife and best friend. (Same person sicko’s)

4. Who inspires you?  Superman and Christopher Nolan.

5. Are you an Old Soul or Young at Heart? I am going to use her answer.  Yes.

6. What was your first job?  Being a waiter, cliché right?  Well I sucked at it and was fired within three months.  One month was training.  I am still untill this day, a very good tipper.

7. If you could go back in time and change one event in history, what would it be?  Giving the guys who implemented Apartheid in South Africa, a kick to the head, for this place would be much less controversial and I would be able to travel anywhere without having to talk about black and white.

8. What is your dream car?  One that can hover and be powered by air.

9. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?  Italian.

10. Dog person or cat person?  Some days the only love I get is from the dog, so definitely a dog person.  Cats creep me out, they are much too independent to be classified as animals.  Fortunately for me the wife is allergic to cat hair.  I would have faked my own allergy if this wasn’t true.

11. What one place would you like to visit before you die?  Disneyland.  Don’t judge me.

Now for my 11 questions.  (By the way why 11?)

1. Where do you live?  Be specific. (Stalker in training)

2. I-pad or Samsung Tablet?

3. Who is your favourite author?

4.  What is the last album you bought?

5. What is the worst song ever recorded?

6. No hair or grey hair?

7. If you could fly like Peter Pan with pixie dust, what would your happy thought be?

8. Have you ever been in a fight/brawl in a public place?

9. Why do you write?

10. You are stuck alone on an Island, and while exploring you find a wooden house.  Who would you like to see opening the door?

11. You have enough money to create an authentic costume, and you have the body to pull of anything.  Which character/thing would you choose to dress up as, for your next Halloween party?

Then my 11 nominees: (I am not sure if they comply with having less than 200 followers, but again rules, not my strong suite, so I am listing the ones I enjoy)

http://breakroomstories.com/

http://daditsok.wordpress.com/

http://theofficialhowtoblog.wordpress.com/

http://thethingsiseeuphere.com/

http://cappywrites.com/

http://freelittlewords.wordpress.com/

http://jfitz524.wordpress.com/

http://shelbur10.wordpress.com/

http://danielsfunny.com/

http://hoorayforskanks.com/

http://ahundredauthors.wordpress.com/

Now only to notify them and I am done.  By the way, is it not ironic that this is my 100th post!