Got your fix today?

Bloggers are odd people.   We write short versions of random events,  exposing details of our lives to strangers.  And your success would be measured by how many new strangers you can entertain with the weirdness of your daily existence.

Bloggers like to write.  Its the reason why we do what we do.  We’re all driven by a basic desire to put pen to paper, even if we don’t have anything particularly good to write about.  We have to except that not all of the writers in the world can contribute to the library of great, inspiring authors, such as EL James, for example. Authors who give credibility to the art of writing.  Bloggers are just people who use a platform and jot down fantasies or opinions or reviews or experiences. Continue reading

Taking Time to Thank Three

I’m busy with Writing 101.  If I knew it was going to be so much work I probably would not have signed up.  I’m not a quitter, just lazy.  And it’s getting serious, having to remember my childhood and shit.

In the midst of my attempt at keeping my normal posts running and also exercising a few mind splits and back-flips in between, I’ve been nominated by three great people for a few awards.  An award is always a huge surprise to me, much like each new follower that joins my world.

The greatest people in my life, today would be:

The Wife – For no reference on greatness may exclude  her ever, as written in our prenuptial agreement.

Mss C over at an Unkept Mind for considering me worthy of an Inspirational Blog award, nogal.  She’s one of my countrymen, so be sure to check her out.  I meant to say her blog.  I don’t know what she looks like.

Kimberley M Ringer and A.Promptreply who has given me the task of replying to their “A Lovely Blog” nomination/s.  Aren’t they nice?  Their blogs definitely are.  Very nice. Continue reading

An Ass-sult on writing.

“That opening paragraph was so bad, if I had the ability to gouge out my own eyes and shove them up my ass, in order not to read it again, I would.”

It was an ass-sult on the writing attempts of Molly in episode 4 of the latest season and had me and Son rolling on the floor.

This slurrer was none other than Susan Sarandon, who plays a cynical writer.  And with cynical I mean, someone who’s high on Vodka and low on life. Continue reading

June Chat with a Dad: Ah Dad

Wow. An interview. About me. And my blog. And my kids. And my attempts at raising them. (Thankfully I share this responsibility with an amazing woman.)
Thanks Dean, your request remains one of the biggest compliments I received this year. The other major compliment was the couple whom I met in Tanzania, who thought I was 32…

Dismantling an f-bomb

Cool, is it not?

Cool, is it not?

I write because I love it.  And because I can.  And I don’t imply I’m good at it, it is merely a statement of fact.  I have my three P’s and one S sorted.

I have a Pen (keyboard), Paper (computer screen), Place (cosy office @ work) and a Story.  Or twenty thousand of them.

All MY stories.  Stories I want my kids to read.  My reflections on life, filtered through a sieve of perceptions, creativity, vocabulary and humour.  Stories that enable my to fly to exotic destinations in my mind, some I never even knew existed, gems hidden away in my grey matter. Continue reading

Newsflash #19 – Oops I did it again.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or  twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

Joan Rivers 

Yes folks.  I took the plunge and posted for the second time on another blog.  But I’m informing everyone so I don’t feel like a featured case on “Cheaters.”  I still have to live with the guy in the mirror you know.

Here’s my other post, if you’re interested…

How to entertain yourself on an airplane

Newsflash #18 – This is 40

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Spike  Milligan

For all those who are following the series I’m writing, in anticipation of me turning forty, I have great news!  For those uniformed ones…It’s a series where I dish out free advise for my children, lessons that I’ve been learning whilst breathing air, in the hope of saving them from broken hearts, embarrassment and possible physical injury.

As I post five tips at a time, it only takes two of my three brain cells to understand that the process of going back to the previous posts can become a bit tedious, so I’ve created a new page on the blog where I’ve listed all of them.  At least the twenty that I’ve done so far… and I will keep them updated so you guys can find them all in one place.  Like a great supporting bra, all nice and tucked in.

See Mom, I am a considerate guy.  Job well done.

My Dearest Blog

Dear blog

I am gonna be away for a while.  My visits will be less frequent.  I will NOT post daily.  I will miss you, and I’m sure you’ll miss me.  As a matter of fact I need to warn you, you might need counselling as the product of neglect.  You will feel sorry for yourself and roam the streets full of self pity and no sense of self worth.  For having coveted my undivided attention for the last year, it will feel like you have been thrown in a foreign jail with absolutely no one to visit you..

So man up and stay strong, don’t be a girl.  Here are my reasons for my temporary abandonment.

1. Spending time with you, proves that one can have mental orgasms frequently.  In fact your so good that I have one every time.  For that I thank you, but truth be told… I’m camping, at the beach, with the family. My annual leave has arrived just in time for I was started to get Hannibal Lecter-like thoughts about my co-workers.
Writing does wonders for my soul, and you’ve allowed me to discover parts of me I didn’t know existed.  But in comparison to sitting on deck chairs, sipping wine, holding the wife’s hand, watching my kids body surf in the waves, and curling my toes in the sand, you got nothing.  Zilch.  Competing against the soothing sound of the ocean waves rolling into shore and kicking a cool spray into the air, with warm sunrays dancing on my bare skin and the relaxed, content eyes of my love… You ain’t got jack-shit.  Sorry.  The truth hurts.  So less writing.

2. I’m spending time with the kids, and seeing that they are the motivation for your creation in the first place, they take first priority.  I don’t have the excuse of work or travel, as a matter of fact I can’t even use you as my excuse for I’m not at work or travelling, which is basically when we spend most of our time together.  It’s about getting of my butt to built sandcastles, play tennis in the sand, even throw a damn Frisbee.  We play.  We laugh.  We connect.  We love.  And that equals not writing.

3. I’m on the beach.  I’ve said it before, but you need to grasp a full understanding of the fact that when the sun shines, we swim, body surf, and turn into red lobsters by basking for hours.  The fundamental concept you need to get is that fine beach sand and electronics don’t go together.  It’s like my sister and her ex-husband.  They just can’t be in the same room together.  It turns nasty.  Thus less writing.

4. I prepare most of the dinners, for most of the dinners are meat, and thus I braai.  It’s a man thing, and this responsibility is passed on immediately and without any consultation.  It just happens.  Like gravity and taxes.  And I love it.  I love standing around the fire, reminiscing about the day and cooking meat to a lovely shade of medium.  The wife nestled in her camp chair with a magazine.  It’s amazing.  Thus more cooking time = less writing time.

5. Beer and wine is no longer restricted for consumption within specific time zones, i.e after work.  Being on annual leave implies that one can have a cold one anytime one feels like it.  Beer makes me extremely lazy, so the natural progression of a day is basically getting up, laying in the hot sun, swimming, trying to throw a Frisbee effectively, drinking a few, braai’ing dinner, then inevitably sleep.  Like a dead person.  Thus less writing.

So in the end you will have to take a back seat.  You will have to except the reality of my rest and wondrous holiday.  I do accept my responsibility and apologize profusely.  I promise to visit as frequently as I can, but it won’t be ten times a day.  Don’t fret too much, just relax.  Remember you’re competing against fun , sun and sea, and you basically didn’t have a chance.

And if you really battle with rejection, find a support group.

See you soon.

Ah dad…

#AskawayFriday – Round #3

It’s my third round of exchanging ten questions with a random blogger from around the world.  This time I’m honoured to get into the ring with Sarah Lombolt over @ Housewife Of Caroline County

I got out of my corner first and started with a slew of punches, which I’m sure she’ll avoid briliantly:

  1. Where do you live?  (And yes I have a thing on knowing where people are from, sue me)
  2. What would you consider being your most embarrassing moment?
  3. What was the first thing that attracted you to your husband/partner/boyfriend?
  4. What element of a blogpost is your deciding factor in reading it?
  5. Most bloggers have a secret dream of publishing.  What kind of book would you like to put your name on?
  6. If you were forced to use a pseudonym, like being in a witness protection program or something, what would that name be?
  7. If you could get away with a crime, and have no guilt or prosecution whatsoever, what would you do?
  8. George Clooney or Brad Pitt or the new Superman? Why?
  9. I know I have a different favourite writer on this site every week.  Who is your favourite blogger at the moment? (Except me off course)
  10. What makes you happy?
She returned with vigour and dished out a list of brutally random things.  Here goes, and in my defence , I’m in the middle of a loo thing.
  1. If you were a super hero what powers would you have?

The ability to understand woman.  And super speed.  And be super rich. (Do I sound like Christian Grey?)  Ok, I know you only asked for one but I would need all three, because only knowing what woman want is worth nothing, unless you can deliver on those desires they have. With. Immediate. Effect.   You know how you get…

2. What would you do if you won the lottery?

That implies we can cancel being Super rich from the previous question.  How big is the lotto you’re talking about?  The wife’s got expensive taste you know.  And travel, yes travel with the family.  And buy a Ferrari a red one, and pay of my bond, that’ll be nice, and make sure I have enough money for the kids tuition, yes that’s important and crap on my bosses desk and… Wait, what’s the question?

3.  If you could go back in time to change one thing what would it be?

Assassinate Hitler.  Slowly.  And every other piece of shit who has caused pain and suffering to children.

4.  What would be your best achievement to date?

Finding a great wife.  Even though considering that I drugged her on our first date, and kept her in suspended animation since, is something I’m not very proud of.  But the dream is now her reality, and who would want to shatter that dream? Sometimes I become a bit obsessive about her waking up and getting to know the real me…

5.  Would you like to be a big celebrity?

I am a big celebrity.  Didn’t you know that.  I am James Dean.  And I don’t like being James Dean.  I would have liked to be Elvis.  But stuff happens.  Here’s the secret: Everything about Death Becomes Her is true, and I’m breaking the arrangement and coming our of hiding.  Faking once death so early and then waiting until forever comes, is not one of the best choices I’ve made in life.  So I blog now.  I need to apologize up front for I’m not allowed to dish out signatures or do any photo ops.

6.  What type of music do you like?

Everything with a decent tune that has the ability to enhance or positively effect the mood I find myself in.  My choices vary from rock to classical to pop to folk to country to dance.  Music that does NOT fall in this category is extreme rap, for I could listen to discussions on sex, guns and drugs daily, I just need to switch on to CNN.  I don’t need some big black buffed ghetto dude to give me his opinion.  Also don’t care for blues and jazz very much, but that would be stating the obvious, for who does?

7.  What do you typically have for breakfast?

Food.  I stopped eating humans a few years ago.

8.  What’s your least favourite word?

“Dad!!”  When it is pronounced in a needy and desperate tone, right in the middle of a serious game/movie/documentary/game show/advert on television.

9.  What’s the tallest building you’ve ever been up?

I’ve been up a few different high-ish buildings so I need to Google which one of the many would be considered the tallest.  The contenders are: Empire Sate Building in New York, Eiffel Tower in Paris and the Radio Tower in Auckland.  Watch this space.

Oh by the way, I don’t like heights…

10.  Are you scared of flying?

No, I’ve done it too many times already.  Having visited 33 different countries in the last six years sort of numbs you to the fact that there is this extremely heavy piece of machinery held up in the air by four engines, speed and air.  I’ve concluded a while back that they probably also use a shitload of pixie dust and they keep the pilot on a drip of laughing gas to allow him having happy thoughts throughout the flight.

This practise is not allowed during take-offs and landings which is why I hate them.

Thanks Sarah, that was fun, like sliding down a bannister on a piece of cardboard, once you start you can’t stop, *Get out of my head Miley!!!* but she only gave me ten questions.  Click to see who is also lying in our heap at the bottom…