And the funniest thing happened on the way to the loo

Sorry, I recently read that a great title will get you more readers.  I’m trying this now, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with the content of my post.  I have however been part of this amazing community for a few months now and just like my cocaine habit, which I never had, I get my daily fix from great writers I randomly stumble upon.

As I try to be funny, and in most cases I’m probably not, I get inspiration from real comedians/creatures/desperados/writers who gives me the ability to blast coffee through my nose like some fledgling dragon, make me choke on ham-and-tomato sandwiches so often that I was forced to learn how to do a self-inflicted Heimlich manoeuvre and save my own life and just generally make me burst out in loud hysterics so everyone around me stares unabashed with genuine concern.  (Well, to be honest, people have always looked at me that way.)

It frightens me to think that there are readers roaming this site aimlessly, searching for a smile and there is a chance, a slim, sad reality, that they would never come across some of the funniest writers I have never met.  Allow me to help you; again.  Here’s a short list of blogs that crack me up leaving me lying in a useless heap of giddiness,  who makes me think about things and have the ability to use their own randomness to make me want to be a better writer.  They publish stories that I gobble up like the last Double-Quarter-Pounder-and-Cheese before vegetarians take over the world.  Go and check them out, (if you haven’t already).  You’ll be sorry you did.

Ned’s blog @

Blurt @

Brainrants @

Becky Says Things @

Missus V @

Mollytopia @

The Official How to Blog @

A Hundred Authors @

Jogging Dad @

Christopher de Voss @

A Story a Day @

I will update this list as I explore a little more…

Liebster award (or Are you kidding me? as it’s known in my house)

I try to be original whilst channelling the randomness, that is my mind, through my fingers on a keyboard, to the blank screen.  And whilst typing I do my utmost to make these ramblings entertaining with speckles of funny, sarcasm, charm and sincerity.  But my reaction to any award nomination is pretty generic.  I scream, cry, laugh and pee.  In that order, every time.

So thanks to this funny writer I have to make up feeble excuses for the massive yellow stain I have on my pants now.  Spilled coffee worked well, as that could also explain why I gave the bone-chilling scream.  The only problem is that I don’t need more reasons for people to stand in groups, ogle me suspiciously, laugh and then shake their heads.

Enough of my own insecurities.  This lady, I trust she is that, remains one of the best things on this site, so here’s hoping you get your shit together and go read her stuff.  Check this out…  I hope to be just as funny when I grow up, and write at least half as well.

For this award to mean something there has to be some rules and as a child born in the seventies I don’t do rules well, but here goes.

  1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
  2. Post 11  facts about yourself, answer the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
  3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
  4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
  5. No tag back thingys.  (WTF?)

So the only downfall of this is listing 11 things about myself.  I am only slightly vain, so this is a challenge for me.  Although my fan club wold disagree.  All three of them.

1. I really don’t like winters, and the worst part is, getting out of bed.  This sucks eggs and socks and every degenerate thing on earth.  It’s moments in the morning that I wish I could come back as a bear, or even a damn rodent, just to hibernate for the whole season.

2. I have been nominated for a Liebster award.  I know it is kinda obvious, but let me relish in my moment please.

3. I was invited to a be a contributing writer on (Which was another Are you kidding me!-moment.)  Great site by the way, packed with wisdom and other stuff.  Don’t thank me, thank her.

4. I hate any form of violence against woman and children, and no, this is not trying to score browning points.  Punishment for these sick fucks should be so severe that it cannot be written down anywhere, as reading it would cause immediate vomiting.

5. I love my wife.  (This is trying to score browning points)

6. My brother-in-law was the first person to suggest I start a blog, thanks for my new addiction and thus ruining my life, Callum!

7. I am writing these stories for my kids so I try and keep the language as kid friendly as possible.  (Here’s hoping they read it) But sometimes great adjectives cannot replace simple words like fuck.  And this is such a versatile word; for it can be used as a verb, an adjective, an expression, an outcry and even a noun. (I’ll still blog about this one day)

8.  I am really battling to get to 11, so I decided to revert to the simple stuff.  I love orange…the colour and the fruit.

9.  I am 6″4, weighing around 212 pounds.  This might be too much information, correct?

10. I am not sure what’s my wife’s natural hair colour.

11.  I might be screwed up a little, but I have the genetic ability to create the greatest little humans around.  Fortunately for them they turned out to look more like their mom, so they don’t need to work that hard on their personalities.

Now the Eleven Questions:

1. If you could be a superhero, what power would you want?  Flight, superhuman strength, invisibility, telepathy, teleportation, ability to project force fields and ability to stop time.  “Ah dad, they said only pick one.”  Screw them.  I want them all.

2. Coke or Pepsi?  Coke, with some Captain Morgan.  Damn I’m thirsty now.

3. What do you believe in? That I would be a lost soul if it wasn’t for the anchor to my existence, my wife and best friend. (Same person sicko’s)

4. Who inspires you?  Superman and Christopher Nolan.

5. Are you an Old Soul or Young at Heart? I am going to use her answer.  Yes.

6. What was your first job?  Being a waiter, cliché right?  Well I sucked at it and was fired within three months.  One month was training.  I am still untill this day, a very good tipper.

7. If you could go back in time and change one event in history, what would it be?  Giving the guys who implemented Apartheid in South Africa, a kick to the head, for this place would be much less controversial and I would be able to travel anywhere without having to talk about black and white.

8. What is your dream car?  One that can hover and be powered by air.

9. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?  Italian.

10. Dog person or cat person?  Some days the only love I get is from the dog, so definitely a dog person.  Cats creep me out, they are much too independent to be classified as animals.  Fortunately for me the wife is allergic to cat hair.  I would have faked my own allergy if this wasn’t true.

11. What one place would you like to visit before you die?  Disneyland.  Don’t judge me.

Now for my 11 questions.  (By the way why 11?)

1. Where do you live?  Be specific. (Stalker in training)

2. I-pad or Samsung Tablet?

3. Who is your favourite author?

4.  What is the last album you bought?

5. What is the worst song ever recorded?

6. No hair or grey hair?

7. If you could fly like Peter Pan with pixie dust, what would your happy thought be?

8. Have you ever been in a fight/brawl in a public place?

9. Why do you write?

10. You are stuck alone on an Island, and while exploring you find a wooden house.  Who would you like to see opening the door?

11. You have enough money to create an authentic costume, and you have the body to pull of anything.  Which character/thing would you choose to dress up as, for your next Halloween party?

Then my 11 nominees: (I am not sure if they comply with having less than 200 followers, but again rules, not my strong suite, so I am listing the ones I enjoy)

Now only to notify them and I am done.  By the way, is it not ironic that this is my 100th post!