I almost got arrested for watching another man pee

I was in Brazil a couple of weeks ago and it wasn’t for the Olympic Games because doing nothing is not an Olympic event.  Yet.  I would qualify on the first try.  Probably end up with silver.

My colleague and I were attempting to return to the airport after the shortest time any two persons have ever spend in Sao Paulo.  The distance was a mere 25 km.  It took us about 1 hour and 47 minutes to cover half of it.  Then I stopped counting.  And it wasn’t just because of the traffic.

P wasn’t very talkative after the first half hour.  It’s nothing strange because men don’t speak as much as some other lovely creatures on the planet.  We actually appreciate moments of silence and they never become uncomfortable.  But this time he was kind of uncomfortable.  (Let’s call “he” P, shall we?)  I couldn’t really figure out why, until he asked the taxi driver to find a service station so he could relief himself.  It suddenly became very clear.  We’ve all been there, having an urgent, unplanned need to pee. Continue reading

10 Things I learned in Brazil.

This seems a little more dramatic than it needs to be, as I was in Sao Paulo for one night only. And that is not a sold out Broadway show. Not yet anyhow.  It’s just me being wisk away across the Atlantic in a metal tube for one meeting and then flying back the next day.

But like anything in life there is always lessons to be learned.  Here goes.

  1. Your passport will be checked at least three times from the time you disembark up to an excluding customs. Maybe it’s my face. 
  2. No-one checked my yellow fever certificate which means my emcounter with a HUGE needle, in a smellly clinic, was all for nothing.
  3. Traffic is horrendous. People walk around with carts selling snacks, thus providing additonal things motorists have to avoid on a never moving freeway.
  4. Woman do not strut their stuff in g-strings like they do in all the travel brochures of Brazil. They do drive taxis though. But fully clothed.
  5. Public urination is frowned upon even though the canal smells like a urinal during the October fest. A cop will verbalise his disgust in Portuguese even if you have a medical condition and would die if you hold it for another second.
  6. People consume so much meat that if you dare to witness a full sitting, you are definately going to end up with a gout attack or something worse. It has to be a vegetarian’s worst nightmare.
  7. Some areas of the city has a putrid smell that can only be described as the underarm pit of a hoarder-cat-lady who belongs to a cult that considers personal hygiene a cardinal sin.
  8. Caparinho is a lemon-vodka based drink so sweet, it strips the fluoride from your teeth whilst attempting to finish it. It contains approximately 1,634,298 calories. Per sip.
  9. It takes a taxi one hour and forty five minutes to get from the hotel to the airport at the speed of a dying snail. I already mentioned the traffic didn’t I?
  10. And that’s all folks, it was a quick visit.

It happens to the best of us

I’m flying again. To Sao Paulo, Brazil.  Two nights.  One meeting.

There is no typos in that sentence. I promises.

On the connecting flight from Durban to Johannesburg I met two people because I was sandwich in the middle of them. A motivational speaker and a vegetarian.  She has 11 cats. I’m not sure how many cats he has because I didn’t ask.  We were both too involved in trying to understand the need for eleven cats. She wasn’t covered in bird poop so she wasn’t the bird-lady from Mary Poppins. She wasn’t crazy.  She ran a pet-sanctuary.  Did I mention she also has three dogs, a parrot, two tarantulas and a eighteen year-old son. I listed them in order of importance. Continue reading

Why men watch sport

The rumours are true.

I’ve won the Superbru world cup challenge of our office and I’ve walked away with the cash.  What’s really frustrating to my collegues is that I did NOT watch a single game of the whole extravaganza in Brazil.  Unless you count the final, when I saw Germany receive bragging rights for  the next four years.  For football?  Moving on.

I have to explain myself.  I don’t like soccer.  Or even football.  Twenty guys running around for a VERY long time, kicking a ball, trying to get it past some guy with gloves guarding the goal?  And then to only win by a measly one point!  That’s beyond frustration.   Maybe they should remove the goal keeper to facilitate bigger scores and higher entertainment value.  I’m with William Web Ellis, who after catching a football in his hands, decided to run with it.  And henceforth created rugby.  I’m still confused why any able bodied person would want to compete in a sport where you’re not allowed to use your hands, unless that sport is featured in the paralympic games.

My rant is not about soccer. Continue reading