He’s drinking ‘big man’ coffee now.

Dude always loved coffee.  Probably since birth.  Maybe even before that.  And the Internet was much smaller back then, so we didn’t have a million opinions on how to do parenting properly.   So we fed him coffee.  And decaf is only consumed by the spawn of Satan, so we gave him the real thing. *insert gasps of a thousand moms

Relax.  He’s fine.  Sort of.  He has a weird twitch every time someone says ‘coffee’ or when he sees a Starbucks. Even though I suspect the Starbucks-twitch has nothing to do with the fact that they serve coffee but more with the fact that girls hang around the place like antelope around a pool of water during the dry season. Continue reading

Laugh with me #43

My last post was a rant.  It got more attention than I expected and this is supposed to be a humour blog for goodness sake!  I’m flattered nonetheless. It was necessary commentary on the world going to shit.  But I’m better now.

Can we all just agree that life is a series of daily events between coffee and wine?

I reckon this guy migrated to wine quicker than he normally would.


What a waste of a good latte…

Me making coffee is why God created earth

During the past weekend we were fortunate to visit one of the best places on earth, commonly known as Durban.  Or like South Africans like to call it, Durbs.  We’re lazy buggers and drop vowels frequently.

Princess took part in provincial trials for track and field, or in her case more field than track.  She had to compete in two events: High jump and shot put.  The first one makes sense to me as she was blessed with her father’s good looks height.  But who knew she also had a knack for throwing a ball made of stone.  Viking much? It’s all very confusing.  I’m blaming estrogen. Continue reading

Too much caffeine

cat on caffeine

I workout six days a week.  I take a few supplements.  I have no excuses.  I need all the help I can get.

I bought a new “fat burner” recently and started incorporating this product in my daily fitness/diet regime.  It’s required to minimise the effect of demon donuts and other pitfalls/temptations that I encounter daily.  It’s about achieving balance.  And needing assistance, as my metabolism doesn’t seem to be able to operate on its own anymore.

The first time I took the prescribed dosage I  was feeling mildly light-headed at the gym, and being a man, I was filled with pride, looking at the additional discs I was putting on the edges of the bar.  I felt strong and awake, which seems odd, but at 05h00 in the morning, my eyes might be open but I’m definitely not awake.   My personality only kicks in around nine.  So with the extra 5 kg in each hand, I was looking at the other buff twenty-year-old dueche bags with a true, but unintended Mr Bean expression.

The second time I took the prescribed dosage later in the day, I was feeling heavily light-headed at the office, and being a man, I thought I was going to die.  It has to be said that one capsule looks like your basic suppository, only less lubricated and bigger.  I’m also now fully equip to be a drug mule and swallow condoms filled with cocaine, that’s if my current career plan doesn’t pan out.  (Which is to rule the world, off course…)  The trouble is that the prescribed dosage is four capsules, and I was wondering what kind of sadist it takes to develop such big pills.

I realised too late that one of the main ingredients of this supplement was my old friend, Caffeine.  And he came barging in through the front door like he owned the place/body.  Twenty minutes after swallowing the four pillow cases, I had a slight buzz.   In time the buzz escalated to a full-on out-of-body experience.  I had a serious craving for Ritalin and would have chewed it down like popcorn, for my leg was shaking uncontrollably without anyone tickling my nipple. Or is that stomach?  Anyhow, I was convinced that Scotty has in fact “Beamed me up!”  It also dawned on me how David Blain is able to levitate.  My caffeine/blood ratio would have made any Columbian coffee lover proud.  At the last minute I opted out of phoning Starbucks for supplementing their coffee with my piss, as it might have been too strong.

I didn’t want people to cause havoc in the streets.

I remember once as a student, we were enjoying bottomless coffee at a café, waiting for a concert.  (Not sure why we didn’t have beer)  The effect was the same.  My hands  didn’t feel like my own and my retinas refused to do what it was supposed too, i.e focus.  In fairness, it must have been quite difficult as my pupils were the size of space itself.

After failing miserably at any attempt to sleep last night, I finally arrived back in my body this morning.  It was good to have my brain back in my skull.  It was even better to have my legs under control and I’ve never appreciated being able to see properly, as much as today.

This is not a debate on supplements, for I know there are a million people who are probably shaking their heads right now, thinking how irresponsible I am.  So, for those critics, I just want to say that I have reduced my dosage this morning.  I might be addicted.