The dark side of a healthy life

Something happen to people who take the plunge into the ocean of healthy living. Besides the fact that most simply  drown and get washed up on the beach of fat and failure, some actually learn to stay afloat. The ones who manage to control some kind of satisfying exercise regime that fits nicely into the niche between a coach potato and marathon runner.  Other freaks turn into really strong ultra swimmers and they end up as poster children for transformation and the power of the human spirit.

For the few of us who stay afloat, it implies we struggle through a daily sacrifice of sleep, in exchange for sweat and perseverance.  Not mentioning stuffing our faces with everything that is far from delicious. Because let’s state the obvious; if it’s worth eating, it’s gonna make you buy a bigger dress size. So we tend to stick with pieces of cardboard infused with green inspired shit salads because we are actually sad human beings desperately seeking attention.   Continue reading

Gym will never be the same again.

I’ve been busy.  On all fronts.  And things changed.  Drastically.

This week marks the first time that I was able to persuade Princess to join us in our routine torture sessions before the sun shows his friendly, fat face.  (I’m still moderately intrigued as to why she suddenly agreed to join us but in order to protect my sanity, I’m not going to dwell on that too long.)

Selling the concept of training in the morning was far easier than the execution thereof.  It took a lot of persuasion to finally get her to wake up and get dressed in some kind of sports attire.  Think ‘trying to fit and elephant in a mini cooper’.  Not that I’m insinuating she’s fat because she definitely is not.  She’s not even overweight.  Besides wouldn’t I be an awful parent if I called my daughter an elephant?  Even though she laughs like Heffalump.  I’m getting side-tracked… Continue reading

As long as it comes with a diet soda

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Don’t confuse determination with desperation

The road to fitness is a lonely one.  A jungle where muscles grows scarcely and with great difficulty among the roots of perseverance and determination.  Where waterfalls of fat are draped over cliffs of protein stacks, scattered along the river of sweat.  It’s a narrow, winding path with many obstacles.  It leads you over and under and around dumbbells, barbells, treadmills, water fountains, headphones, playlists, guy nipples, yoga pants, public showers, nakedness and douche bags. It’s a treacherous path, not meant for the fainthearted or the weak. Or normal. Continue reading

Laugh with me #31

When I decide to embark on an adventurous activity, what other people might call a stunt, I employ a rational, logical thought process; prior to execution of said activity.  Maybe it’s because I’m risk-avert or because I’m older but I reckon the main reason would be simply because I’m not stupid.  And the process doesn’t even take that long, it consists of a few quick questions before I make the call of “Yes, let’s dot this!” or “No, are you frigging crazy?”

These questions include non-mindblowing ones like “Will I get hurt?”, “Should I tape this?”, “Would other people consider this to be utterly stupid?”, “Is this normal behavior?”, and then just to be sure, another “Will I get hurt?”

It’s clear that my system is not employed by everyone.

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A big ball makes you bounce. Who knew?

I love the slow decent after she hits the wall. I can’t help but yell “TIMBER!”

Laugh with me #6

Be careful, you might hurt yours…Too late… *insert shouch*

In the spirit of my second week doing Cross-fit training, I share this poor guy’s predicament, if only for how his body must feel after that fall. It’s also another reason why the Wife never gets on our treadmill.

treadmill fail

Maybe he should consider paying a little more for his fitness equipment.  It clearly illustrate why we shouldn’t believe everything we see on those extended television adds.  You know the ones where they make ordinary people seem totally incapable of using everyday utensils like a butter knife.

And all these machines?

One of the promises I made to myself in January was to commit to a twelve week fitness and diet regime that kicked off about four weeks ago. Why?  Well, let’s just say I was expanding and I don’t earn enough money to replace my whole wardrobe.  I needed to up my game.

Besides, gaining weight is not all my fault.  I blame Christmas.  And the holidays.  And the heaps of easy accessible, great food.  And the wine!  Yes, I know it’s blasphemy, but I blame the gods of red wine too! Then there’s the fact that I’m forty-ONE, which is not doing me any favours.  Everyone knows that when middle-age walks through the front door, metabolism moves out.  And then you’re stuck with that unpleasant, strange roommate whom you should, but don’t, recognise. Continue reading

Things I hate more than a root canal

Sorry for causing painful flashbacks to some of you as you read my title.  And if you’re not moved in any way, you’re a masochist.  You probably consider 50 Shades of Grey a beautiful piece of literature and like all things kinky and painful.  To wet your sick appetite for more moments of pain spread throughout this post, I’ve decided to add some visual stimulation in the form of tooth porn…

No I didn’t.  Or rather, I couldn’t.   The high levels of disgust after seeing some disturbing pictures of bad teeth prevented me from posting.  Most of them I seriously regret finding.  Which should be a warning to all: Don’t Google Image everything you can think of!

I decided to play it safe and stick with a simple Wikipedia schematic that would be appropriate for a (mostly) kid friendly blog.  This will prevent permanent scaring of my readers or not.

Got this pretty little diagram from Wikipedia, which might still haunt your dreams for a very long time.

Continue reading

Two face – A case of temporary schizophrenia

two face

Courtesy of the guy who played two-face in the movie…

I am less than pleasant when I wake up in the morning.  I am Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey and Shitty all in one.  The thought of an alarm clock shattering the silent night evokes feelings of anger and dread, similar to those I had when I tried to finish 50 Shades of Crap.

I don’t mind if a wake up from a pleasant slumber, WITHOUT the assistance of an alarm, but the early shrieks of that little piece of shit, every weekday, is enough to make me want to murder someone.

‘Cause it happens at 04h30. ‘Cause I go to the gym. Continue reading

5 Things one cannot do naked

Thank you Adam en Eve for allowing humanity to hide our modern-day imperfections under layers of cotton, polyester, wool and silk.  I personally want to thank fashionistas of centuries past for allowing us to move from leaves and fur (Lady Gaga didn’t get the memo), and for me not having to wear a dress.  Clothes protects us from harsh weather, insect bites, rough surfaces and perverts.

There are various communities around the globe where people feel the desire to prance around in their birthday suits and literally let it all hang out.  The point of this post is that it doesn’t matter how forward thinking or free-spirited or fucked-up you might be there are certain things one cannot do naked.  And I decided to list them.

But first things first.  No, I don’t know what triggered this post and yes, I’m in counselling.  I have gotten to the point of knowing there are two incidents that might have caused my warped thinking.

The thin tall hippy who walked out of the shower with his bottle of Nivea for Men, proceeding to dry his hair, all the time dangling his nine-inch mutation, which I thought was a stuffed sock at the time, in the same room where I was brushing my teeth.  I was nine and I ran out screaming.

Or maybe it was the obese lady who got flogged by a wave while attempting to swim in the ocean.  She finally surfaced again with a very shocked, relieved, disoriented expression, not able to realise her boob just flipped free and was dangling happily in the water below her knee.  Her nipple had three hairs and they were waving at me.  I was eleven and I ran out screaming.

Anyhow.  I know.  I’m fine.  The list.

These five things would, if done naked, be revolting.  Doesn’t matter how kinky you think you are, this would just be wrong.

1. Having a haircut.  Hairdressers across the globe have perfected the ability to touch by not touching you, it’s called the skill of limited touching.  Google it.  I dare you.  (If you have a hairdresser who touches you more than your grandmother, then she might want you to trim a little from her top, if you now what I mean.  It’s a sign.  Go.  Now.)  Bottom line is that when one consider all the variable postures available to a hairdresser, including but not limited to, lifting arms, touching chin, leaning in, bending over to get you happy and out of that chair, trying to execute them naked, would just be impossible.

2. Doing Yoga.  Talking about posture.  Imagine doing the puking dog or flying duck poses naked.  The stretching already seems quite challenging with your clothes on, but imagine for a moment doing all of that without the security of the skin-stretched nylon tights.  (Stop smiling.  This is serious shit.)  Humans are not meant to assume the million awkward poses Yoga expects from us, and doing them with your derriere exposed will destroy any appreciation or respect one could bring with you, when attending a class.  It will just turn into a mooning session.

3. Jogging.  Or aerobics or jumping.   The average person does not look very sophisticated when they run.  We might think we look like Tom Cruise running in dust chasing some Arab looking bad guy, when in truth we look like a flaming red-faced wagon wheel tumbling down a hill.  So doing this naked adds all sort of problems.  All the jiggly, dangly, wobbly bits that are kept in tact with clothes will shake and rattle, resembling a fat clown trying to use eight hoola-hoops at once.  It will cause motion sickness to any observer and mothers will have to hide their children.  It can’t be done.  We have to think of the children.

4. Attending a rock concert.  To many people squashing and pushing in very close proximity to one another.  Even though this was an accepted practise in Roman times when orgies was their version of Facebook.  But nowadays it would just be plain uncomfortable, and 80,000 people stomping and screaming around naked would just be so very wrong.  I have had a prick or two in my face at a rock concert, but the phrase normally referenced some douche who has no respect for Johnny or Jack and then turns around mid show, screaming in my face: “Dhis fuckish, I mean Irishh band ish awshome, hey.”  So it never implied the real thing and I would like to keep it that way.

5. Get into a taxi/bus/airplane.  Contemplating the idea of putting your naked ass down on a taxi-cab’s back seat, that’s been occupied by a thousand other naked asses just causes uncontrolled nausea to me and wait… Yes, I just threw up a little of my tuna salad, in my mouth…  Technically you put your bare posterior in the same place as a million others when you go to any public restroom, but let’s just all agree it’s different, we don’t think about it so we can all maintain a good night’s rest.

Oh, there is one more thing that is impossible to do naked and that’s stripping.  I know, I know I’m going.

Good pain?

Yes, I know my dairy is a bit shady, but is was a public holiday over here and I didn’t want to write about nothing again. So here is this week’s Newcastle night (4) copy

Ah dad...

I am in physical pain.  Typing this creates involuntary eye twitches as my arms need to be picked up.  I knew this would happen, and I still did it willingly.  Idiot anyone?

I used to go to the gym everyday non-stop for the last four years.  Maybe missing a day here and there.  I would wake up @ 05h00 every weekday morning and go for my daily workout.  Weekends were created for doing nothing.  I didn’t aim to look like anyone, I just wanted to stay fit and toned, throwing some weights around.  This also prevented me from kicking the dog, screaming at the kids and killing my boss.

I say used to, as I have not been in the gym since last November.  I finally convinced the lazy guy in the mirror to get off his ass and dragged him out of bed the day before yesterday to start some exercise again.  Secret revealed.

I decided to list…

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