She’s Forty.

Life is taking over my ability to blog.  Maybe I shouldn’t just blame life.  Things like work, travel and a damn MBA also gets in the way of writing.  Lots of shit is happening, leaving me with scraps of time to do important things, like blogging.

My time for blogging is merely breadcrumbs left behind after the rest of my life had their picnic.  And how am I’m supposed to survive on breadcrumbs alone?  I’m starving over here.  Neglecting my writing, reading and commenting obligations.

There comes a time when every man has to grow a pair, then take time by the short and curlies and throw it out the door.  A moment where you have to take back the control and find a moment to do the things you really love.  Like writing.

Anyhow, enough about me. Continue reading

This is 40…Round 6

One wouldn't say so...

One wouldn’t say so…

Time’s running out.  Someone took a rocket missile and blasted that little opening between the two cubicles of the hour glass to smithereens, resulting in the last few minutes of my 39th year flowing as freely as the tears from teeny boppers at a Justin Bieber concert.  So I need to speed up the posts, if I still wanna make the list of 40 lessons I’ve learned in my so-called life, before I hit forty, or as it’s known in in my house rock-bottom.

26. Pick up your clothes.  For garments made from cotton, polyester and whatever else they use these days, does not grow legs.  It can’t pick itself up.  So by you NOT doing it, implies someone else have too.  Learn this now and the nagging will stop immediately.  The alternative would be to just let the clothes pile up and then (1) You might have a very interesting (and expensive) mountain climbing rig in your room, or (2) You’ll suffocate and die, just like Alexander The Great.  Yes he did.  (But who would not want to see Angelina Jolie picking up clothes in his room!)  Another benefit would be that when you acquire the skill of putting clothes in the washing bin, you will retain it as an adult and your future wife will also have one less reason to nag you.

27. Don’t get mad.  Get even.  Sorry, I meant to say: Don’t go to bed mad.  Sleep on the floor.  No, no, no.  I’ trying to say: Don’t fall asleep with anger hovering like a ghost in the room.  It’s another cliché, but this one doesn’t get the necessary credit is so rightly deserves.  Even when you’re married to an angel, like I am, you sometimes find that they need to send their wings for dry-cleaning and they end up preparing dinner as a mere mortal.  In comes husband, who is totally unaware of said dry-cleaning gig, and he complains about the lack of red meat on the menu.  The look will escalate into a full blown fit, morphing into a serious tiff and eventually explodes all over the kitchen walls, with deafening silence.  And this is not a good quiet, like when you’re sitting in church, this is video with no audio.  The silence is followed by awkwardness that fills the loving space we used to call home and as we’re forced to share a bed, we talk.  Well mostly they talk and we listen.  But there’s understanding, reconciliation, hugs and great make-up sex.  For those are the best kind. (Should I have stopped sooner…)

28. Yes.  People at our age still do it, and Yes. We still love to do it.  (Now I’ll watch you squirm and try and get over that one…hehe)

29. Find something you’re prepared to do for free, every day and choose that as your career.  Obviously this needs some explaining, as this doesn’t necessary include PlayStation gaming or Social networking, unless of course you’re the next Mark Zuckenberg, who can screw over his friends, or get a job with some gaming company.  If you’re fortunate enough to end up gaming for a salary, just consider your reply when hanging around new people and they ask you for your occupation.  Answering with “I’m a player” might not go down well with the ladies.

30. If you’re in a relationship and you realise it’s not going to work out, or you know that the person is not the one, end it.  For both your sakes.  There’s no sense in dragging on with a relationship when it is as clear as dish-washed crystal that it’s never gonna last.  Move one.  To be in a relationship takes time, effort and commitment, and then there’s trust and compromise, and let’s not forget about the money.  I know I’m forgetting something… Oh yes love.  It needs love.  But even with all these things in place, every couple goes through bad patches, those special moments when you contemplate the choices you’ve  made and murder.  But when I refer to “work” in a relationship, it should NOT conjure images of a guy, standing in ankle chains, swinging a hammer at rocks in an orange jumpsuit.  If your relationship feels like a life sentence instead of a life journey; then it might be time to break out.  You’ll both be happier, eventually.

I have 10 more to go, and it suddenly dawned on me: Wisdom grows with age.  Which would be a logical reason why I’m racking my brain for another 10 of these thing-a-ma-advise-thingies.  I’m STILL A YOUNGSTER!  But I won’t quit. I will list forty, even if  I have to lie and make some up.

This is 40…Round 5

Here we go.  The next five lessons and/or bits of advise for my children in the wake of me turning forty in eight days.  Eight days people!! It’s almost less than a week.  Where’s that frigging brown paper bag.  Breath…in…Breath…out…Breath in…Breath out…

21. Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Pick your battles.  Don’t take life too seriously.  Or however you would like to define not to be worried about small useless things, like being stuck in traffic (unless you’re driving your 8 cm dilated wife to the hospital!) or not having chicken on a plane.  Relax, life might be spiteful in the small things, but the rewards in the bigger things are HUGE.  Just open your eyes and use the right focal lenses, for then you will see the treasures shining like the Sun, as seen from any place in the Southern hemisphere in summer.

22. Except your body.  All the imperfections.  Those crooked teeth that needs braces, sorry Son, that’s a gift from Dad.  That slightly bigger nose and poor eyesight, sorry Princess, that’s all Mom.  Our genetic codes combined might have resulted in spectacular little people, but certain faults slipped through the cracks.  So unless you have one eye, three legs (down boy), or blue reptile skin, then you don’t really have a problem.  Relax.  (see point 21).  Each person on earth has a body part that they hate.  But think about this…  If everyone had the perfect body then millions of plastic surgeons would be without work.  And their families without food and shelter.  The car industry would have fallen flat for they would no longer need a scantily clad woman sitting on a bonnet to sell the Volkswagen.  And that would destroy several of the third world countries we know today.  Hollywood would have to start making realistic movies and several rich bitches behind the big cosmetic houses of the world wouldn’t be able to afford the caviar and French champagne they consume daily.  Then there’s death and a loss of taxes.  We shouldn’t be selfish.  We should consider these people.  They need ugly.  They need imperfections.  They need us.

23. Study your asses off.  Yes, I know you’re skipping past this one.  It was inevitable, it’s an ancient truth that no scholar ever believes.  Ironically once you’re stuck behind a counter at McDonald’s at the age of forty three with two kids at home, crying for food, then yes, then only do people consider the importance of this valuable life lesson.

24. Don’t let any man treat you like a piece of shit.  I understand this might be applicable to Princess, but Son, heads up…  If any prick whom is fortunate enough to end up in a relationship with you, treats you worse than I did, two words:  Dump him.  Quickly.  For you are worthy of the highest level of adoration from any man.  You’re a unique being, the brightest light, a precious orchid blooming proudly in a pasture of common lilies.  Expect nothing less from a man.  And if he ever raises his hands, so help me God I will place his manly parts in a electric pencil sharpener and press the button, with the biggest smile ever to appear on a human face.

25. Sing and dance whenever you can, and do it like no one’s watching.  Do it often, anywhere, whether you might have the voice of a sick mocking jay, who only ever heard Kanye West, or the rhythm of a dog in heat.  Just do it, for to dance and sing implies happiness.   And people like to see happy.  People are inspired by happy.  People need happy.  Be one of the shiny, happy people of our world.

Ah Dad signing out.  For now that is…

PS – Only eight days left…shit!

.

This is 40…Round 4

How the hell can I!!!!

How the hell can I!!!!

Blah blah, blah blah blah…fourth set… blah blah…things I learned…..blah…list for my kids…blah blah *burp* (excuse me)…blah…turning 40 in 13 days.

16. Don’t be afraid to be unique, to stand out in a crowd, to be the one that everyone is talking about.  Embrace your individuality, even if it’s short and covered in braces, even if it stands out like Las Vegas in the Nevada desert. (I’m wondering if my reference is accurate?)  Embrace it!  For being like everyone else is being boring.  Be yourself, you’ll be happier and content for no one can act like a different person for a prolonged period of time, not even Meryl Streep.  Ok, maybe she’ll nail it, but she’ll be the only one, for she’s unique. (See how it works)  So listen to Britney Spears until you’re forty, even if her latest album is an utter disappointment and mostly consist of garbage.  Jam to Nickelback even if the purists head bang to Metallica. Do drama. Write poetry. Read comics.  Don’t do drugs.  One day the geek and the nerd that people might perceive you to be at fourteen, will be the go-to-guy when all the major blockbusters of twenty years later will turn out to be Superhero movies!  And he still gets the girl.

17. Don’t evaluate beauty on looks alone.  Yes, off course, who wants to date a female ogre, but there is something really awe-inspiring and kinda breath-taking in how your perception will transform, once you take the time to get to know a person.  So take the time, asshole.  Your female ogre might actually turn out to be a princess.  (Which, by the way, would be a great idea for an animated movie!) Inner beauty lasts forever.  Humour never fades and kindness, patience, tenderness and those other endearing qualities only increases with age.  And even though L’Oreal and the whole frigging cosmetic industry are trying to tell you different, you WILL grow old and get wrinkles, irrespective of the gallons of shit you might have to put on your face.  The only super effective beauty treatment for eternal youth is Photoshop.  Even a facelift cannot do anything about neck skin or brown spotted hands.

18.Find something you love and do it.  And this is not meant as a sexual innuendo, it implies a hobby, or sport, or whatever your mind can conjure.  Being able to spend time on your own with something you love is not only good for stress, it also allows your mind to rant and rave in silence, thereby sorting out all the files and pieces of paper that is still not properly organized in the right cabinets.  And you won’t offend anyone, unless off course your thing turns out be talking to yourself.  In public.

19.  If you can’t say something nice about a person then shut the hell up. And don’t do what I do, do what I say.  I’m trying, goddamit.

20.  When someone gives you a compliment, say thank you.  That’s all.  It’s an art for humans to accept a compliment gracefully, for we tend to go to one of two extremes.  Woman normally go into an extensive explanation of how undeserving they actually are towards your compliment, even if you said something trivial like “Wow, your hair smells nice.”  And men, well we just know how spectacular we are, so we normally can’t stop talking when someone else finally see what I’ve known for so many years.  Oh, it is only me?  Well, as I mentioned before, just say thank you.

And as I’m now half way on this traitorous road, here’s hoping I have learned enough lessons to make it to 40!!!

This is 40…Round 2

In an on-going series of dispersing 40 titbits of wisdom in anticipation of my own turning later this month (21 days and counting), please find the next 5 thingies I’m listing for the ignorant and desolate out there.  I’m here to help.

(Ok, it’s actually for my kids…)

6. Start a blog.  Surprised? You shouldn’t be.  Having a blog is an essential part of achieving total fulfilment and a real tangible sense of self worth.   Sadly, I only discovered this invaluable tonic a year ago, but alas, life is not about when you acquire wisdom, it merely requires that you do.  Acquire. Wisdom.

7. Don’t burn any bridges.  And this implies to all aspects of life, work, friendship and relationships.  Life has a very odd sense of humour and just when you think you become invincible; you’ll be confronted with someone that has grown a black heart; for you screwed them over in some way.  Do you really want to meet the Wicked Witch of the West on a sunny Tuesday morning, only to discover that you were the reason why her heart withered away?  She might even turn around and release a whole army of winged apes on your sorry ass.

8. Don’t take selfies.  And please don’t post them.  Ah dad… bought a camera and would be more than happy to use my limited knowledge of photography and capture your best pose, and then edit it with Photoshop.  If the airplane ticket is included in the request, I am prepared to fly anywhere.  (Except Nigeria, Papua New Guinea and the Ivory Coast for  I’ve been there and it sucks.)  I refuse to take a pic whilst you’re doing some arbitrary thing like eating ice cream, hanging on a door or shoving your butt in my face.  You’re a girl?  You’ll do it without a shirt?  Well, that just chances everything. Call me.

9. People can be real assholes sometimes.  If you believe this to be true, just remember you’re a people too.  And nobody’s perfect so chances are you have also had a moment, or probably more than one, where you have allowed your little dark hole at the back to do the talking for you.  Don’t judge to harshly.

10.  Love and respect your parents, for they pay your pocket money and provide food, and when you’re old enough to earn income of your own, pay it back.  (I’m only kidding…  Unless you insist…)  Anyhow, just understand that the rule will continue to apply; for parents will become cheap (read as free) babysitters for the mongrels that is yet to be birthed from your loins.  Take care.  It will be worth it.

There it is, my second set of snippets, done.  Another five things I’ve learned whilst spending time breathing oxygen.

Life changing stuff hey?

(Missed out on Round 1?  No worries. It’s here.)

Turning Grey

I am turning grey at the speed of an eagle who suddenly lost its ability to fly, falling straight out of the sky and bouncing twice, hitting the ground.

One moment everything was fine and dandy.  The colour pigment maintaining my mouse-brown hair was happily cruising along, doing what it’s suppose to.  Then there was a sudden revolt and the pigment decided unanimously to down tools and walk out.  And it’s not like I  was treating it badly, I washed and conditioned daily.  I even rinse and repeat if the instructions are clear enough on the bottle.

Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m over it and extremely grateful that I still have a full head of hair.  My hairdresser has suggested numerous hairstyles to soften the effect i.e hide the grey, (even colouring it!!!) but it’s summer, it’s hot and I don’t want to use a hairdryer anymore.  So I went all GI Joe on my head last week.  Ok, maybe not full GI Joe, maybe more like that other guy from ER…

As a guy I actually don’t give a shit of what other people’s opinions might be about my hairstyle.  Add to that our keen sense of observation, then it might come as a surprise when I noticed some of my daughter’s friends giving me a double take yesterday.   But my fractional surprise broke into full-on amusement when I eavesdropped on this conversation last night:

Princess: Mom, the girls at school were really mean today.

Mom: Why? What did they do?

Princess: They were saying things about dad.

Mom: Really?  What did they say?

Princess: They were laughing at his grey hair.

Mom (seriously smiling): Why would they laugh at Dad’s grey hair?

Princess: They’re saying I’m the one responsible for giving it to him.

I laughed for a very long time.  So did the wife.

Bottom line I now have an excuse.  Turning grey has nothing to do with hitting the final straight in the race of reaching forty, it’s just a symptom of parenting.

*****

Endnote:

Princess, if by any chance you end up reading this one day, please note it’s not you, nor is it your brother who causes my grey hair.  You two are actually my personal fountain of youth.  You guys are my magic potion and tonic for enjoying life and embracing every single second I have with you.  My grey hair was inevitable.  And sexy.  (As per mom.)