How to release my beast.


Like to thank my mother-in-law for her passport photo as she posted this on

There are two facts relating to the content of this post.  One – the title is misleading, and two – it’s the seventh version of it, prior to me clicking the blue publish button.  I was forced to submit the content through a frustration filter in order to eliminate heaps of profanity and thus end up with a fit-for-this-blog edition.  If I didn’t do this, my reputation as an upstanding citizen, with parental responsibilities might have been ruined forever.  Ok, I am dreaming about being an upstanding citizen but at least I have a dream…

Getting back to fact number one, misleading title.  When I use the word misleading I don’t imply wrong or deceitful, just interpretation. Releasing the beast might tweak illusions of grandeur as it refers to the beast that gives us strength in moments of desperation to achieve greatness.  This is not about that beast. The beast I am referring to is the horned red skinned one, with the forked tail and blazing eyes.

In reality ever human have moments where life doesn’t just crack your skin; it burst open releasing a temper demon that jumps out with a loud: “Here’s Johnny!”

This is my how to guide on what to do when you want to see my beast released.  It’s 100% guaranteed as witnesses by several people, including colleagues, friends and the wife.  What can I say, some things piss me off.

I will keep this version fairly simple, like a Release-the-beast-for-dummies.  I will also try to explain why these triggers work so effectively on me.  These triggers can be performed in the comfort of your home as it all relates to e-mail.  Unfortunately these manifestations might not be seen by the sender, unless it’s trigger #one.

Here follows 5 triggers on “HOW TO RELEASE MY BEAST.”

Trigger 1: Send me a mail from the office next door that does not have any document, spreadsheet, meeting schedule or other piece of useful information attach to it.  Only use a few cryptic words to make it sound important.

I just think that if you have something to say to me, it might be more appropriate to get of your fat ass and walk the four metres to my office.  It will be beneficial to your health.  Walking would allow those little red bloods cells to speed up and then you might even burn a calorie or two, which I’m sure the hinges of your fridge will appreciate.

Trigger 2: Send me a chain letter.  You know those mails that you forward to eleven friends to prevent yourself from walking home and getting maimed by a falling ostrich.

First of all, when you’re in the habit of forwarding chain letters, I’m surprised you still have friends.  It’s that annoying.  Life has taught me: There is no such thing as a free lunch.  Let’s put it in perspective, it actually means: There. is. no. such. thing. as. a free. lunch.  If you think sending a picture of a crying girl to 11 people will open the heavens and make buckets of cash fall from the sky, well you’re just fuckin stupid.  And the world doesn’t need to know that.

Trigger 3: Send me a PowerPoint presentation with pictures of cats.

A hate cats.  They’re cunning and deceitful creatures.  As kittens they’re all cute and playful. Then they grow up to be bossy, toplofty, pompous and shit. Just like a teenager.  As the owner you’re only good enough to feed them, if they allow it.  Do this and I will go all chain letter and spam on your mailbox.

Trigger 4. Send me a reminder mail, forty seconds after the first mail. 

I have a life and my only purpose on earth is NOT to sit and wait for your message.  I am sorry that I don’t climax and drop everything when your name pops up in my inbox.  I am also sorry that your concept of a reasonable reply time is out of tune with mine.  And if you have the balls to enlarge the font of the mail and write the word “reminder” on the top, then well.  Screw you.  Delete sequence initiated.

Trigger 5: Send me a condescending mail with a smiley face.

We are not in kindergarten anymore.  Sarcasm is a science, a skill that I have worked on for many years to execute perfectly.  How dare you consider that adding a smiley face is enough to hide your initial intention?  Reading it gives me an uncontrollable urge to rearrange your face with a frying pan to resemble your chosen emoticon.

There it is.  Five easy ways to get my temper thermometer into crimson red by the click of a button.  Truth be told I am actually a real fun-loving, nice guy, but again that’s what they said about Dr Jeckyl.

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