(Don’t worry, we’re not expecting, my sister is.)
Besides having strangers giving themselves the right to touch your stomach, countless cramps, agonizing back ache, swollen feet, poor indigestion, heartburn that could melt the South pole and cravings that need a post of its own, pregnancy is said to be such a wonderful time in a woman’s life. Add to that the obvious pleasure of getting the little critter through the birth canal and joy has a new definition. Or so I heard.
Another thing to add to the list of
agony bliss is finding a name. That one precious word that will identify your kid for the rest of his life, that will form his character, that will built his future and will end up as a headline when he is the next president. No pressure.
Every person on this spinning ball of ours will have a theory/suggestion on what the name of your unborn baby should be. Psychological studies will tell you the importance of finding that perfect blend of popularity/strength/meaning in your chosen name, thereby ensuring that your precious kid doesn’t end up resenting everyone and seek solace in a box under a bridge somewhere.
It’s common knowledge that making babies is a lot of fun for most men, and when a couple are trying to fall pregnant, it ranks as the happiest time for any married man. But finding a name makes one doubt whether the pleasure factor is really that awesome. The problem is Dad actually needs to have an opinion on the issue.
The trouble start with finding one for each sex, because even with today’s reality of 4D scans, (and by the way WTF is a 4D scan? Do you hear the baby suckle and cry as well?) the doctor might mistake a sausage for a hamburger.
A boy’s name need to be strong or it doesn’t. Depending on your point of view. I just think that when a boy can pick between Jessie or Justin or John, they will probably opt for the latter, but with that being said, they might think Optimus Prime is cool as well.
Then there is the mine field ceremoniously called “Ancestral family names”. If you’re the unfortunate smuck who got stuck with all seven names rhyming with George and your intention would be, as a loving parent, not to pass on the list of names to the little human who hasn’t even seen the light of day. Be sure that by committing this sacrilegious act, it will release every skeleton of every previous generation from their graves and they will come and beat the shit out of you, just because you wanted to name your son Austin.
Then you need to consider the popularity of your chosen names. It wouldn’t be fun having to end up with nine grade-tens all named Harry, just because you couldn’t use your frigging imagination. Or Google. And you also need to take cognisance of the selecting criteria for teasing potential in pre-school. This can be a real clunker, for who wants to earn the condemnation of their son for not considering the obvious rhyme factor of Timmy. Or Smelly Nelly or Farty Marty.
Selecting a name for a girl is just as difficult but normally the whole “using your family name argument” doesn’t apply. It seems the name gods were quite laid back about this, as most woman adopt their husband’s surname in any case. The biggest risk for choosing a girl’s name is being TOO pretentious. Weird shit like Octavia or Pretunia or Cladentia. Names you find in a book where the Russian heroine had an Arab Father and Chinese mother, and screws a guy over and over and Anastasia just sounds so great. Be practical please.
There’s also the risk of overusing the combination factor in selecting names. Trying to use letters from the father/grandfather/mother/best friend and lover doesn’t necessarily make a great name. It’s a novel idea, but by using Adelfiastice or Margolinice will just end up severely damaging any confidence your six-year-old girl might posses when she will try to spell her own name verbally in front of the class. And it will come back to haunt you for botching it up.
Another deal clincher for destroying self-worth is giving names that mean arbitrary things like chair or sun in a foreign language. Especially if you “think” you know what the word means. Luck will ensure your kid ending up dating someone who speaks that exact language and his family will frown at you at the wedding for being such a big idiot for naming your precious princess “urine” in French.
And please don’t pick Apple or Leaf, for Adam used those words already in the Garden of Eden describing an actual apple and an actual leaf. It’s not to be used for human identification.
So good luck Sis. It’s a rough road ahead, and my advice would be, if it’s a boy, just name him Pieter and he shall be blissfully happy forever. And if it’s a girl…