I got older without noticing it

Age is a number, they say.  Age is a mental concept, they say.  You’re only as old as you feel, they say.  Well “they” can go and f…ondle themselves on a highway.  “They” are walking around with their head up their ass because growing old is inevitable but ridiculously hard to get used to.  I’ve gained a newfound understanding for how age can creep up on you and then jump and throttle you like a facehugger.

We spend our annual holiday camping at a family resort, which is basically paying a lot of money to live like a homeless person.  I used to be very anxious and actively involved in setting up our camp site making sure everything is done in a proper way because camping becomes a lot less fun when the wind blows your tent to the next country.  The resort we stay at has people who are more than happy to set up the site for you, at a fee of course.  Being who I am, I didn’t oblige because I have slaves working for free, my two teenage kids.   Continue reading

Hello Summer, you might be asked to leave soon as you make all the other seasons look really bad.

Just a little note...

Just a little note…

“Excuse me.  Are you on your own?  I just had to come and talk to you.  Hotness is my weakness. Is it just me or is this place really heating up?”

Summer wasn’t impress, probably heard all these pick-up lines before.

I needed to up my game.

“Summer, how was heaven when you left it?”

“Summer, may I follow you home, as my parents always told me to follow my dreams.”

“Summer, did you just fart?  ‘Cause you blew me away.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so forward, but you look kinda pale.  I heard the doctor said you need a bit more Vitamin Me.”

I know I seem desperate, but I have a confession to make.  I love Summer.  I absolutely L-O-V-E Summer. To death.  She’s my favourite season and I might even be considered a serial stalker.  Of Summer.  And who can blame me?  Summer is just awesome.

It’s the way the longer days drag by, allowing you to do absolutely nothing, with heaps of time to do it perfectly.  Summer makes you slow down, giving you an opportunity to go nowhere slowly.  It’s all about sitting, laying, reading, idling, sleeping, lounging, resting, spooning, napping, tanning and a bit of walking once the cooler or ice-bucket needs a re-fill.  (If the kids have removed themselves from an acceptable shouting distance, that is.)

Summer is beautiful.

It has these amazing clear, cobalt blue skies that stretches from horizon to horizon with shadows playing hide and seek as our yellow star laughs its way across the sky from East to West.  The wonderous changing screensaver of luminous thunder clouds rolling in, soaking the earth with life-giving water and providing earthlings with a spectacular show of light and noise.  Leaving behind the brisk coolness and revitalising petrichor that lingers and makes the Gringe sigh.

Summer has never-ending fields of Irish green grass that stretches across mountain and valley and savannah, scattered with a million dabs of brightly coloured flowers waving their picturesque splendour at anyone with an eye.  Or two.  Releasing a blend of fragrances from lavender and jasmine to rose and lily.  And then when those lawns are cut, the distress call of the plants releases chemicals that makes you want to lie down in it and make invisible grass angels.

It’s the roaring of the turquoise, clear, expansive ocean when it chases wave after wave after wave of white horses onto unspoiled beaches, where coconut suntan lotion attack your nostrils, mixed with aromas of strawberry and apple smoothies.  And vanilla ice-cream.  And cigarette smoke.

It’s the sounds of boisterous kids splashing in the pool.  And then the sound of annoyed parents having to refill it.  It’s the roar of laughter from friends that increases in volume as more empty wine bottles take up space on the table.  Not to forget the mouth-watering flavour of meat grilling over an open fire at nine in the evening.  Because that’s when we braai.

Summer has her quiet moments too.  The silence on the highways as fewer cars have to commute people to work or school.  The hummed noise of parents wrapping gifts, hiding it under the Christmas tree.  And the intoxicating beauty of flashing LED lights and big red and golden balls dangling from the tree, leaving most humans speechless.

God, I love it...

God, I love it…

Summer brings excitement to my life.  I cannot live without Summer.  Summer makes me feel alive.  Summer does many things to me.  Summer makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.  Summer stirs feelings.

Feelings of anticipation for my annual vacation.  Feelings of relief for a difficult year, that is now history.  Feelings of celebration.  Feelings of nostalgia.  Feelings of joy.  Feelings of excitement.  Feelings of happiness.

I’m infatuated with Summer and ecstatic that she agreed to stay awhile.  I’ll try not be cheesy.  I’ll try not be sunburnt.  I’ll try not to wear a vest and flip-flops to the mall.  I’ll even try to blog a little less.  I promise to spend quality time with my great family.  I promise to have fun.  I promise to enjoy every moment of what Summer is going to be dishing out this year.

Because for all those wonderful people who’s been living under a rock made of blankets… SUMMER IS HERE!!!

“So Summer, I think there’s something wrong with my phone.  It doesn’t have your number on it.”

Going nowhere slowly

A few weeks ago we went on a cruise.  Me, the wife and our kids and her parents and a few friends and their kids and their parents.  Everyone was there except the president and our dog.  But he missed his grooming session the week before and refused to be seen in public.  So we left him at home.  The dog that is.  We didn’t invite the president.

Courtesy of MSC.. Who knew?

Courtesy of MSC.. Who knew?

It was a round trip to nowhere, which is NOT an analogy of where my life is at the moment.  It just means you get on a BIG boat, cruise into the sunset, and twenty-four hours later you turn around.  Fun, fun, fun.

Continue reading

Things I learned on Christmas day

This post would obviously not reflect the lessons already learned, like the true meaning of Christmas, how to wrap a gift that doesn’t come in a box, and the anxiety of a male forced to accompany the wife on a last shopping spree.  (Technically I’m still battling with that last one!  I morph into a mutation of a crying baby, tantrum throwing toddler, slouching teenager and aching geriatric all in one.)

Weird shit I tell ya.

The few things I did learn on this Christmas day would probably be considered common sense, but give me a break for I need to come  up with new material for my blog, which I desperately neglected over the last two/three weeks.

1. I understand why gluttony is considered one of the seven deadly sins.  Because I almost died of the amount of food I consumed over the last two days.  My belly button popped and my stomach was hanging over my knees.  I was constantly uncomfortable, felt slightly guilty, hid my gym membership and just. kept. on. eating.  I’m ashamed.

2. The idea of inviting extended family to join on this day looks great on paper, but you will learn quickly that sharing a portion of the same DNA would be the only thing you’ll have in common with people you see once a year.   You will understand that there is life beyond our blue sky, cause I’ve ask myself numerous times from which fucking planet does all these uncles, aunts and cousins come from.  Awkward moments of silence, watching channels I didn’t know existed on cable and sitting through hours of the MOST boring stories ever conceived by humanity, tempted me in shoving my finger into a pencil sharpener as a reminder that there are things that can hurt more than spending countless hours with a weird extended family.

3. The youngest member of any family will get the most attention.  Fact.  Doesn’t matter what that age might be, it can range from three weeks to 14 years.  Everyone will goo and ga and take photo’s and comment on every action of the said little person.  And those actions will include s(h)itting, playing with a piece of chocolate wrapping paper and talking in some gibberish language, also spoken by adults after too much wine.

The last lesson was actually just a reminder of how amazing this specific fake-tree-fake-snow-too-much-food-holiday actually is.  (At least down here in Africa, where the chance of seeing snow in December would be equal to finding a good Adam Sandler movie.)  It’s a wondrous holiday where we can reminisce in the blessings we receive daily.

It reminded me of how fortunate I am to have a shitload of good food on the table and a SUV full of the weirdest family members, all laughing, sharing, giving, talking, eating.  It’s the one day where normal definitions of dick/dueche/bitch/idiot/annoying doesn’t apply and we accept one another with all our faults and hazzles and just hug and share and love. (It makes it easier when there are some colorful wrapped boxes involved…)

So I trust everyone had a very, merry Christmas.