Death by Liebster award

It happened quickly, me dying of too much excitement when I realised I was nominated for another Liebster award.

John over at the Monkey Bellhop kills me with laughter every time I visit his site.  Now he will probably do it again for I have taken forever to write this acceptance post for the prestigious honour, which I’ve receive humbly.  Now where’s the trophee?  I need a flippen trophee.  Mom, they don’t want to give me a trophee.

I’m sorry John.  I know excuses don’t cut it, but begging forgiveness hopefully will.  Imagine a deranged man on his knees, tears streaming down his face, trying to find words of apology through constant sobs.  (While I’m actually sitting in a semi-comfi chair drinking a Merlot and typing very slowly with two fingers.) Isn’t writing awesome?

Anyhow. If you’ve been nominated for the Liebster Award and accept it, you need to follow a few rules.  (11 to be exact.  And what’s with 11?  It’s 11 this and 11 that)

  1. Write a blog post about the Liebster Award. check
  2. Thank the person that nominated you. check, and here’s hoping he’ll forgive me, sob, sob.
  3. Post a link to their blog on your blog. check
  4. Display the award on your blog and include it in your post and/or display it using a widget. check, here.
  5. Answer the 11 questions about yourself provided by the person who nominated you. ok...check…scroll down.
  6. Give 11 random facts about yourself. check…scroll further down
  7. Nominate 5-11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have less than 1000 followers. check…this is like way at the bottom
  8. Create a new list of questions for the nominated bloggers to answer. shit, this is where China is approximately
  9. List the rules in your post. check
  10. Inform the bloggers you’ve nominated them for the Liebster Award. Remember to give them a link to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!). busy.

With some wine, a keyboard and a little bit of brainpower I’m ready to run the gauntlet of 11 questions:

  • If you were alone on a desert island and could get out of your wireless phone contract without any penalties, which carrier would you pick?

Apple.  When faced with a technology problem and you are dealing with an American, the answer should always be Apple.

  • What is more frightening?  Waking up and finding a spider on your pillow or waking up and finding you are married to Larry King?

Well that question is a bit of a conundrum for Larry King already resembles a kind of spider, Daddy long legs.  Do you see the resemblance?

  • If you could be in two places at once where would you be? (please don’t answer two places at once)

Shit.  Normally when I’m doing arbitrary house chores, like cleaning the pool, I imagine doing it shirtless for Kate Beckinsale.  (I also imagine that I look good shirtless) and then I imagine she really likes getting close and personal with her pool cleaner.  That’s three places at once, and I’m standing next to the pool with a stupid grin on my face.

  • If you could have dinner with anyone living or dead who would it be?

Obvious answer.  Kate Beckinsale.  And my wife.  Ah dad, you’re stuck.  Choices, choices.

  • If you could have dinner with anyone living or dead what would you order?

Italian food.  Or human brains, if I was a zombie, you know living dead.  But I’m not.  Just saying.

  • Do you think I dress appropriately for my age?

Obviously.  One has to be carefree, uninhibited and not ashamed to run around in your birthday suit.  Besides I should have warned you about the kids before you came over the last time.  It’s my fault.  By the way, they’re still laughing…

  • What was the scariest moment of your life?

Once there was this guy who came over to our house, totally naked and drunk out of his mind.  He banged on the door and Princess opened eagerly, expecting Santa Clause.  Well, she obviously got a little more than she expected and screamed like a banshee on Idols.  You know the rest of the story.

  • Are you a dog person or a cat person? (and by that I am referring to pet preference not genetics)

I hate cats, absolutely despise them.  I cannot stand the critters with their condescending looks and pompous attitudes.  I’m not a dog person.

  • Do you think the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in your lifetime and if not your lifetime, whose lifetime?

As a South African it took me hours to understand the question.  I spend hours on Google, Wikipedia and some other website that’s really disgusting.  Do you know what people can do with Ping-Pong balls?  Anyhow, the answer is blue.

  • Robert Frost advised us to “take the road less traveled.”  Do you agree and if so, is it because the police are looking for you?

No off course not.  It’s just that this specific road takes me past the pub on the way home.

  • If you caught a fish who granted you three wishes if you let it go, but at that very moment,  a starving leprechaun appeared and told you he would give you a pot of unlimited gold for the fish, which appliance in your house could you not possibly live without?

Electricity.

Now I have to state eleven facts about myself.

  1. I’m still dumbfounded that there are new people every day who press the follow me tag on my blog.
  2. I’m annoyed that it took me almost 40 years to discover how much I enjoy writing.
  3. My kids are a constant source of laughter for me.  And that’s probably why I love them so much.  Saves on anti-depressants.
  4. I absolutely adore the amazing woman who shares my life.  I’m totally infatuated with her.  If we weren’t married, she would had to get a restraining order, for I would be considered a stalker.
  5. Would have killed to have a creative job.  So if there’s any editors out there, who has someone who bugs the shit out of them… I said I will kill for a creative job.
  6. I’m aiming to have another six-pack within the next four weeks.  The bottle store was out of stock.
  7. I love the Sharks Rugby team.  Confused?  Well serves you right.  Who the hell is the Chicago Cubs?
  8. Took art classes once.  Poor woman resigned after that six weeks.
  9. Even after nine years it still sucks to get up at five in the morning to train.
  10. Didn’t realise 11 facts about myself would put so much strain on my brain.
  11. Collect Asterix novels, Superhero lead figurines and keep a register of every movie I have ever seen.  I need help, I know.

Then you have to nominate a few blogs worthy of this special recognition.  And just to be fair, I will not be as patient as John in the replies.  Get on it.  Or to quote Britney: Work Bitch!  The fortunate people who doesn’t have to come up with an idea for their next blog is:

Ned Hickson over @ Ned’s Blog, who doesn’t lack any imagination.  He’s like coffee, he kick starts my day.

Lester Beaver over @ Randomnessesities who gives unique and hilarious commentary on the human race from a beaver’s perspective off course.

BB Goodman over @ A story a day who comes up with the most amazing short stories. every. single. day.

Twisted Sifter over @ well Twisted Sifter who shortenes my day when I get stuck on his/her posts.

Dries de Wet over @ DeWetsWild for taking the most amazing pictures of our country, South Africa.

The jogging dad over @ thejoggingdad for making me happy to know I’m not totally insane.

Craig Strachan over @ Photopane who takes the kind of photo’s I would like to when I grow up.

Becky’s says things whom I might have nominated before but every post turns me into a giggling girl at a Bieber concert and

A Clown on fire, but watch out for this one, he’s hot.

And I know that some of these guys have more than 1000 followers, but why would I subject myself to silly rules and not reward greatness?  I’ll forgive those who accept it and do nothing, for this is hard work man!

The 11 questions I post to them would be:

  1. If you could receive the talent to win any award/price/medal in the world today, which award would you like to display on your mantel?
  2. If you knew space travel will be successful in 40 years from now, and you could get a special of buy one get one free on that shuttle.  Would you take the offer?
  3. Ted was a talking bear in a brilliant movie.  What toy did you have as a kid, that you would have liked to come to life?
  4. Thai, Indian or Mexican?
  5. Which country would you like to visit, assuming you have not been everywhere?
  6. What would you like to be remembered for?
  7. Favourite superhero movie?  Cause there’s not a bad one out there.
  8. What’s the name of the last album you bought?
  9. Favourite book? Author?
  10. Do you find it ridiculous to pay millions of dollars for a painting?
  11. Which decade in your opinion would be remembered as the greatest one in living memory?

Done.  Dusted.  Now if only I had the energy to press publish.  There.  “Your turn”, he says with a devilish grin.

When life throws you a bone.

Dog-Gone+Good+Reads

Sometimes it happens.  Life throws you a bone.  But not just any bone, a scrumptious and juicy bone, right from the master’s table, with flakes of meat sticking to the glistening, white, fatty surface.  A bone so big that you place both paws on the ends and still have sufficient space to fit your jaws around the middle.  A bone that causes your tail to take on a life of its own, turning into a weapon of mass destruction for any porcelain centrepiece within close proximity.  A bone so big that cats, sticks and open car windows doesn’t mean sh*t by comparison.

Those moments occur when you, as an adult, a parent or a boss, have the opportunity to abdicate responsibility and logic thinking, to forget about your social standing.  (One should not be bothered with the latter in any case!) Like when you land in the Universal Studio’s theme park in Singapore on a business trip, on your own, and you get to go on all the rides twice, because you can use the SINGLES ONLY queue.  And you scream like a crazed lunatic on the Transformer ride, cause no one you know is watching.

Or when you end up in Munich for a negotiation, not knowing that the Oktoberfest is on.  And your company agrees to pay for the change of ticket so you can delay your return trip for two days, and the hotel you checked in is walking distance from the entrance gate to the festival.  All unplanned, off course.

Or when you sit in an airport lounge and tediously work on some overrated e-mail from an irate customer, only to be interrupted and then, looking up, seeing it is Kate Beckinsale.  And she asks for the wi-fi password and after giving it to her (the password that is), you end up talking for almost an hour on how she rocked the blue contact lenses in the Underworld series. (Ok, that didn’t really happen, but if it did, wouldn’t it constitute getting a really big bone?)

Or when you go on a hunting/fishing/drinking trip with your best mates for an extended weekend, with the blessing of your wife, children and in-laws.  And it works out that the Goddess of Woman’s Temperament has received all her sacrifices in the previous week, allowing all your mates to have the same blessing.  And someone remembered the cigars.

Or when a group of 6 friends (who all moved above and beyond 40) have achieved success in booking golden circle tickets to a rock concert.  And not just any rock concert, but the ultimate Anthem band, our Make-out band, our Party band,  the soundtrack to High school and good times….BON JOVI!!

So me and the wife and two other couples are counting the hours to go and watch this band on Saturday.  (Ok, maybe it’s only me who’s counting…it will be 40 hours exactly tonight @ 8.) But I am desperately scared that this is all just a wonderful dream, therefore I am pinched blue on my right arm.  Being left-handed, I’m protecting my useful arm.

It was revealed that guitarist Richie Sambora would not make the Australian and South African legs of their world tour.  Reasons given was sketchy but he claimed some private issues.  Money…COUGH…  Some assholes have taken to social sites to air their disappointment for not being able to see the guy who plays the guitar.  Seriously? Get a flippen life.  These people are obviously bored with their perfect existence; still in their twenties, with no kids, no mortgage, all their hair and no colleague who pisses them off, daily.

It’s a shame that your life has to be so perfect that you can afford to have no real complaints.  You will still be rocking with the vocalist, moron.  So go and refund your ticket, we don’t need you.  This is my bone and I am generating spit and pee at the same time, controlling my excitement over Saturday.

Jokes from jealous associates has ranged from the band who will arrive on stage with oxygen support and walking aids to drinking energy drinks and faking injury to maintain standing for the full concert.  Other conversations between me and the wife regarding the concert has also amplified the fact that men and women are not created on the same planet. Like when I said I can’t wait for the concert on Saturday and her reply was: “Oh really?”  And she was not even sarcastic!

But the biggest surprise was when the wife asked what’s happening on Mother’s day, which is Sunday, the day when the bone will be buried and only the memories and the hangover will linger.  On this day we will be returning from the city of gold where the concert venue is, a three-hour drive home.

My reply to her concerned question: ” Love, I don’t think we will be in time for lunch with the folks, so maybe we should do something during the week?”

Her reaction (with a fake pouted mouth and puppy dog eyes): “So I am not getting anything for Mother’s day?” Know this : When a woman puts on this “fake” face, it’s actually a trap.  The acting, is actually not acting at all, but a ploy to ensure you get the message and do something about it.

Well, I almost flipped the car, as I was thinking: “Bon Jovi concert? WTF?  That is like 6 Mother’s day gifts wrapped up in one.  This is like the greatest gift EVER!”

Wisdom taught me not to say anything but my left eye did start to twitch, again….