30 New things I learned in the US

A foot selfie

The list is in chronological order.

1. There are no queens walking the streets of Queens. At least not at seven in the morning.

2. A day in New York can become excrutiatingly long if your shadow is the only companion you have. *insert gesture of sympathy*

3. Some lawns in public parks can be closed by placing a simple little sign which everyone obeys. Amazing.

4. Don’t attempt converting dollars to your local currency when ordering steak. Or beer. You’ll end up only having one and require a second bond on your house to pay the bill. Continue reading

If Ah Dad… had minions

Mine all mine.

What if they were all mine?

Wouldn’t it be amazing if I could have me some minions? A few loyal servants that would make it their life’s ambition to be my beck and call.  And they don’t even have to be yellow and cute.  The problem is that my kids have reached an age where they give me attitude when I tell them to run me a bath, take out the trash or rub my feet. What?  Why else do we them?

I have accepted reality so I only take showers, Wife takes out the trash as pennant for sleeping with the Boss and I’ve trained our dog to lick my feet. I’m pretty good at delegating.  Unfortunately there are still things I have to do myself like chewing.  But if I had minions, what an idyllic life that would be?  And I wouldn’t call them Bob, Stuart or Kevin.  They’ll have sophisticated names like Farty, One-eye and Are-you-happy-to-see-me? Continue reading

10 Songs straight men can only sing in the shower

The Dude and I have this “thing”.  (Just to be clear, Dude is my son so this post will be a heterosexual point of view.)

Our “thing” is that we like to brag with new music/songs.  Both of us stream music from http://www.deezer.com so we have access to a gazillion songs we can share with one another.  It has to be said that we approach what one would consider “good” music very differently, as per requirement of our generation gap.  The high-five moment arrives when the other person likes the proposed song.

I get my new music from weekly visits to Billboard and the UK pop charts.  Dude gets it from somewhere else and he prefers anything with a headache inducing beat.  Continue reading

The Truth, the whole Truth and nothing but the Truth

A few weeks ago (I can’t believe it’s been that long!) I posted a challenge as part of me excepting A Very Inspiring Blog Award or what I like to call a VIBA.  (It just sounds more prestigious, don’t you think?)  Those who bothered reading the post had to guess which two facts from a list of nine about yours truly, turned out to be unfathomable lies.

Here’s the list again:

  1. I puked the first time I attempted to change Dude’s nappy.
  2. I was slapped by a girl in high school, after I told her she had the personality of a pig.
  3. The guy who introduced me and the Wife has since dated a gay-porn star.
  4. I can bench press 200 pounds.
  5. I told Princess that we’re going to stop buying contact lenses, facial cream and instruct the orthodontist never to remove her dentures, so she would be unappealing for boys when she goes to high school.
  6. I might leave my Wife for Britney Spears.
  7. I have been in three motor vehicle accidents and all of them happened on the way to gym, i.e. before 05h00 in the morning.
  8. I used to call my Wife “Babe” when we dated and we got engaged during the movie “Babe”.
  9. My first serious girlfriend cheated on two different occasions and I took her back both times.

Continue reading

Things I hate more than a root canal

Sorry for causing painful flashbacks to some of you as you read my title.  And if you’re not moved in any way, you’re a masochist.  You probably consider 50 Shades of Grey a beautiful piece of literature and like all things kinky and painful.  To wet your sick appetite for more moments of pain spread throughout this post, I’ve decided to add some visual stimulation in the form of tooth porn…

No I didn’t.  Or rather, I couldn’t.   The high levels of disgust after seeing some disturbing pictures of bad teeth prevented me from posting.  Most of them I seriously regret finding.  Which should be a warning to all: Don’t Google Image everything you can think of!

I decided to play it safe and stick with a simple Wikipedia schematic that would be appropriate for a (mostly) kid friendly blog.  This will prevent permanent scaring of my readers or not.

Got this pretty little diagram from Wikipedia, which might still haunt your dreams for a very long time.

Continue reading

5 Things one cannot do naked

Thank you Adam en Eve for allowing humanity to hide our modern-day imperfections under layers of cotton, polyester, wool and silk.  I personally want to thank fashionistas of centuries past for allowing us to move from leaves and fur (Lady Gaga didn’t get the memo), and for me not having to wear a dress.  Clothes protects us from harsh weather, insect bites, rough surfaces and perverts.

There are various communities around the globe where people feel the desire to prance around in their birthday suits and literally let it all hang out.  The point of this post is that it doesn’t matter how forward thinking or free-spirited or fucked-up you might be there are certain things one cannot do naked.  And I decided to list them.

But first things first.  No, I don’t know what triggered this post and yes, I’m in counselling.  I have gotten to the point of knowing there are two incidents that might have caused my warped thinking.

The thin tall hippy who walked out of the shower with his bottle of Nivea for Men, proceeding to dry his hair, all the time dangling his nine-inch mutation, which I thought was a stuffed sock at the time, in the same room where I was brushing my teeth.  I was nine and I ran out screaming.

Or maybe it was the obese lady who got flogged by a wave while attempting to swim in the ocean.  She finally surfaced again with a very shocked, relieved, disoriented expression, not able to realise her boob just flipped free and was dangling happily in the water below her knee.  Her nipple had three hairs and they were waving at me.  I was eleven and I ran out screaming.

Anyhow.  I know.  I’m fine.  The list.

These five things would, if done naked, be revolting.  Doesn’t matter how kinky you think you are, this would just be wrong.

1. Having a haircut.  Hairdressers across the globe have perfected the ability to touch by not touching you, it’s called the skill of limited touching.  Google it.  I dare you.  (If you have a hairdresser who touches you more than your grandmother, then she might want you to trim a little from her top, if you now what I mean.  It’s a sign.  Go.  Now.)  Bottom line is that when one consider all the variable postures available to a hairdresser, including but not limited to, lifting arms, touching chin, leaning in, bending over to get you happy and out of that chair, trying to execute them naked, would just be impossible.

2. Doing Yoga.  Talking about posture.  Imagine doing the puking dog or flying duck poses naked.  The stretching already seems quite challenging with your clothes on, but imagine for a moment doing all of that without the security of the skin-stretched nylon tights.  (Stop smiling.  This is serious shit.)  Humans are not meant to assume the million awkward poses Yoga expects from us, and doing them with your derriere exposed will destroy any appreciation or respect one could bring with you, when attending a class.  It will just turn into a mooning session.

3. Jogging.  Or aerobics or jumping.   The average person does not look very sophisticated when they run.  We might think we look like Tom Cruise running in dust chasing some Arab looking bad guy, when in truth we look like a flaming red-faced wagon wheel tumbling down a hill.  So doing this naked adds all sort of problems.  All the jiggly, dangly, wobbly bits that are kept in tact with clothes will shake and rattle, resembling a fat clown trying to use eight hoola-hoops at once.  It will cause motion sickness to any observer and mothers will have to hide their children.  It can’t be done.  We have to think of the children.

4. Attending a rock concert.  To many people squashing and pushing in very close proximity to one another.  Even though this was an accepted practise in Roman times when orgies was their version of Facebook.  But nowadays it would just be plain uncomfortable, and 80,000 people stomping and screaming around naked would just be so very wrong.  I have had a prick or two in my face at a rock concert, but the phrase normally referenced some douche who has no respect for Johnny or Jack and then turns around mid show, screaming in my face: “Dhis fuckish, I mean Irishh band ish awshome, hey.”  So it never implied the real thing and I would like to keep it that way.

5. Get into a taxi/bus/airplane.  Contemplating the idea of putting your naked ass down on a taxi-cab’s back seat, that’s been occupied by a thousand other naked asses just causes uncontrolled nausea to me and wait… Yes, I just threw up a little of my tuna salad, in my mouth…  Technically you put your bare posterior in the same place as a million others when you go to any public restroom, but let’s just all agree it’s different, we don’t think about it so we can all maintain a good night’s rest.

Oh, there is one more thing that is impossible to do naked and that’s stripping.  I know, I know I’m going.

Good pain?

Yes, I know my dairy is a bit shady, but is was a public holiday over here and I didn’t want to write about nothing again. So here is this week’s Newcastle night (4) copy

Ah dad...

I am in physical pain.  Typing this creates involuntary eye twitches as my arms need to be picked up.  I knew this would happen, and I still did it willingly.  Idiot anyone?

I used to go to the gym everyday non-stop for the last four years.  Maybe missing a day here and there.  I would wake up @ 05h00 every weekday morning and go for my daily workout.  Weekends were created for doing nothing.  I didn’t aim to look like anyone, I just wanted to stay fit and toned, throwing some weights around.  This also prevented me from kicking the dog, screaming at the kids and killing my boss.

I say used to, as I have not been in the gym since last November.  I finally convinced the lazy guy in the mirror to get off his ass and dragged him out of bed the day before yesterday to start some exercise again.  Secret revealed.

I decided to list…

View original post 481 more words

100 is a high!!

IMGP3338a edit

There are a few things that happened to me this year that I didn’t expect.  Winters are getting colder, I am having anxiety attacks about turning 40 next year and the wife gets prettier every day.  (Maybe that is where the anxiety attacks stems from, because in my case, turning prettier would not be an accurate statement.)  Then there is the fact that I reached 50 followers in March, got 500 likes in April and now I have an astonishing 101 followers on my blog.  Who knew?  It creeps me out a little.  In a good way though, like a good scary movie.

For the record, here is a shout out to for being that guy.  That amazing guy,  The guy who ticked my following into three didgets.  My hero for the day.   That 100th guy… Follow him please…

For years I was telling stories no one was interested in (the wife had to endure), I had opinions to share that could have saved lives and transform the world as we know it, but no one cared.  I was surrounded by people and never got one little “like” tick on any of my random moments of wisdom and humour.  Who knew that once I started to write these stories down, people  across the globe would actually be reading it!  That is pretty fucking amazing.  (I know, some might be surprised at the strong word I am using as this is a blog for my kids, but sometimes the English language fail me when I need a suitable adjective.)

These milestones I mentioned is like a bloggers 16, 18 and 21th birthday.  Forgive me, but I normally write sober, ok I lie, but while I am writing this I am having a celebratory glass of wine.  (Ok, more like a bottle, but see my bold statement above.)  Technically I don’t need a specific reason to drink wine, but that would just sound like I need more help than I already get.  What’s important is that you have to read quickly as the ramblings might disintegrate into those of a shocked, ecstatic, drunken, middle aged happy man.  You have been warned.

I have to confess something… I am still addicted to writing.  It is sad, and this might end up being a cry for help, but please let me know if there is anyone else out there who has WordPress Reader open on a separate tab in Explorer, ALL THE TIME?  It’s frigging counter productive people.  Not even Facebook and Twitter together; did half the damage to my work ethic than this damn site.  Checking stats, reading freshly pressed, following my favourites, and then that is not even counting the hours I spend actually writing.  It’s sick.

And it’s my fault.  I know, I have to be strong.  I have to close the tab.  Shut down and work.  But everytime the little pointer crosses the x in the top right hand corner I start to perspire and I have the urge to vomit.  I CAN”T!

I have learned a few things from blogging, and I will list them as I remember them.  Wait, just a moment….Ahh.  (Merlot is nice but Pinotage is better.)

Here goes, in no particular order:

1. There are really amazing, funny, inspiring  writers out there.  People that make me fall of my chair, people that make me weep a little, and others who entertain and challenge my paradigms on things.

2. People really like photo’s, and not necessarily mine, but photo’s in general.  Just check out my stats.  It obviously make for quick reading…  But if I had half the likes on my writing posts than I do on my photo posts, I would call Ellen and set up my own interview.  My confidence would be THAT high.

3. There are people who are more twisted than I am, evident in some of the ramblings of the blogs I follow.

4. There are people who’s lives are far more interesting than mine, evident in some of the blogs I follow.

5. People like stories of marriage and children that inspire them.

6. People love stories of marriage and children where someone falls down or make an ass of themselves.

7. Images might be subject to copyright. (I still feel like an idiot for not realising this since day one.  Every time I think about this fact, I feel the urge to stand in a corner and give myself a time-out.  It is moments like this that I am really concerned about my own intellegence and logic thinking capability.)

8. I am hooked on writing like I have never been hooked on anyting, EVER.  That is why I have a totally new understanding for writer’s block.  It’s like guys watching the game when the power trips.  No one gets up, you just sit there frozen in time (some guys with beer halfway to their mouths), waiting for the TV to light up again.  Sitting in silent anticipation, staring at the blank screen…  Oh the agony….Make it stop…

9. And hitting a 100 followers is an absulote fucking high.  (Sorry kids, it’s the wine)

Before I enter my rambling phase, battling to shee shtraigh (hic) and with the red wine almosht finish (hic), I will stop.

Thank you very much for all the support, I am beyond stoked… (No not stoned)