I’ve crossed the river

So this is what it feels like to post after hours…

Music has always been a huge part of my life or more importantly our lives. Especially when you consider our glorious union is celebrating twenty years, come November.  It’s therefore kind of obvious that Dude and Princess would also turn out to be lovers of lyric and melody.

I’ve always pride myself in having an open mind.  I consider myself to be a “modern, hip, trendy” kind of dad.  The type of father who often embarrass his kids on purpose with quirky comments and the random use of the word “Dude”.  I am certainly not the type of parent who would refuse to listen to the music my kids find entertaining. I enjoy some modern bands. Some of the time.

But with the risk of being exposed to maniacs like Kanye, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber who are also selling records; I deserve a medal for keeping an open mind on this battlefield of popular music. Maybe even a bag of them. Continue reading

This is 40…Final round


I missed the deadline!  Relax, no-one’s getting fired and no-ones sitting in dark corner crying, at least I’m not expecting anyone too.  I’m not in a race against time, for I hate losing.  Besides “the Day” arrived and moved along, almost unknowingly if not for the major Birthday Bash that celebrated this event.  Surprisingly, no eerily long hair sprouted out of my nose and ears.  Turning forty came and went, without leaving any savage markings, unlike a few girls I tried dating in high school.  Anyhow, back to the BASH!, which is the reason for fumbling so close to the finish line.  I was aiming to finish all 40 tidbits of wisdom, but between all the invitations, decorations, considerations, celebrations and a little intoxications,  it wasn’t  realistic expectation to begin with.

Bu I have a real treat for you.  I am going to flood your senses like no meal shown on Masterchef ever would.  I am going to post the last ten snippets of wisdom in my series of forty, ALL AT ONCE! No more waiting in agony, no more checking your inboxes constantly.  When you reach #35, you can just scroll down, like one those awful tele-ads screaming “Wait there’s more!”  See what a nice guy I can be?  Unless of course you’ve read this blog before and you’re a fan of Kanye West and the atrocity that used to be Hannah Montana, you would know better, but enough of that.

So gather round, my amazing children, my trusted readers.  Get nice and comfy, yes grab a goblet of wine, (Why the hell not!) and lend me your ears.  Here’s the last ten.  Focus.

31. Respect people irrespective of their colour, religion, sexual orientation, age or gender.  I’m not saying you need to agree with people or even approve what they are doing, for that would just be stupid.  There are just to many oddities and such a wide variety of loonies running amok amongst the general populace it would actually be impossible.  I’m just saying respect people, for when you do, they might return the favour.

32. Don’t remain a victim in life.  If life brings out the big guns and blast you to smithereens and *insert drum roll* it most probably will happen at some point, you need to dust yourself off, scream “Screw you!” to whatever situation you might find yourself in and get up again.  It’s not about how hard you fall but how quickly you get up. (And I wouldn’t mind taking the credit for coining the phrase, but sometimes other people write great things too.)  Getting up remains the hardest thing to do, but once you’re up again and standing tall, there is just no better feeling in this world of ours.  Bad things happen to a lot of people, that’s life, all kinds of people get hurt, physically and emotionally, but moping and sulking and feeling sorry for yourself is not going to achieve anything.  Nor will it get you laid.  I mean dates.  I will not get you dates.

33. Always treasure the tender relationship you have with your grandparents.  Yes I know they might seem VERY old and may even start to smell weird, but hear this:  When you were still young and cute, they loved you more than they loved us, their own children.  They defended you, spoilt you and supported you with ever little clumsy step you took.  They might not be able throw a ball or run a marathon up the hill, but they love you just as much as that very first day.  Getting old just means you had a few more birthdays than the next guy.  I’m know I’m probably wasting space here, as you two are so absorbed with those  grandparents of yours, you’re forgetting they were our parents first.

34. Always wear clean underwear, or rather, always wear underwear.  You never know what situations you might find yourself in, and then when you end up getting your pants ripped off, you might end up showing a few short comings you never intended too.  Unless you’re that guy from Boogie Nights, but that’s a long shot.  (And a prosthesis, I keep telling myself.)  This lesson is both realistically and metaphorically speaking.  And whilst I’m on the subject, pull up your pants.  If I see those jeans hanging lower than your ass crack, so help me, I will give you a wedgy personally.  And that goes for all your friends, Son and (sigh) all the wannabe boyfriends too, my Princess.  Consider yourself informed.

35. Tattoo’s might seem like a good idea at the time.  It’s not.  It might even seem like the best way to honour/celebrate/eternalise a moment in your life, but before you plunge a coloured needle in your arm, remember.  No f*cking way!  Sorry that came out wrong.  If you consider getting an ink blot on your arm whilst living under my roof…No f*cking way.  Sorry I’m really messing this up with f-bombs, but whilst trying to be the sensitive, understanding parent, whilst dishing out advise, when it comes to tattoo’s I have a base programming error.  Maybe just remember “No f*cking way” and deal with it.

36.  Relationships is hard work.  And not in the romantic kind of way you see in Hollywood movies where two people can’t decide on which side of the bed to sleep or what colour to paint the room.  Even though you get those moments too.  It’s hard work based on good ole compromise, commitment and shit.  If it wasn’t difficult, divorce lawyers would not have been able to pay rent.  And half of the comedians on earth wouldn’t have any material to make us laugh.  But it’s worth it, the hard work.  It’s worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears I’ve ever lost.  What’s that love?  I meant to say it’s worth every piece of joy, happiness and bliss I’ve received.

37. I did mention that you need a great partner in life, but the lesson is so important I’m repeating it again.  (I’m trying to gain some browning points after number 36.) I’m sorry to mention the fact that you might never find another human as great and amazing as your mother, but be strong and hold on, for if you find someone who is even  half as wonderful and funny as she is, then you’ll still be the luckiest human alive.

38. Have faith.  And don’t worry I’m not getting preachy.  But I know and understand that believing in something unseen is one of the fundamentals of being human.  The Lord has carried me through some of the darkest moments of my life and even though I might not be His poster child,  I know that my belief gives me strength, it exposes hope and gives me a sanctuary from the daily struggles of life.  But God is a lot of things, but he is not a convenience store.  Don’t just run to Him in desperate time.  He’s a friend, a companion if you will (and not the awkward one, He’s the cool one.)  Just take my word for it.  He wants to be part of your life, so let Him.

39. and 40.  And these are the most important lessons of all.  It’s not really something I can tangibly explain, for the lessons are still being taught.  The teachers are my own two children.  Son and Princess.  You constitute my greatest success in life, it’s me reaching the Everest of humanity.  Your arrivals are both the greatest and most humbling things to ever happen to me.  I learn something from you every day, something about myself, things about life.  You inspire me to be more than a mere mortal man or a great father.  I’m committed to be the best father and greatest husband to have ever lived…  (Sorry, but I’ve only recovered from hysterics now, twenty minutes later, as this must be the funniest thing I’ve ever written!  Irony gets me very time!)  Anyhow you’ve exposed a love that I never knew existed or was even capable of.  And these series of posts is trying to return the favour…

So there it is, THIS IS 40, all done and dusted.  (Better late than never.)  The forty lessons I’ve learned in my life, thus far.  I’m just glad that I’m not fifty for I’m freshly out of any more advise.  Arriving at the end of these series of posts and pressing the publish button creates a bit of unexpected nostalgia.  Alas turning 40 is yesterday’s news.

I’m keen to return to more of my general ramblings on important, relevant, newsworthy and even controversial issues, like who was the sick idiot who decided to fund a movie like Grown ups 2, when there are millions starving across the globe, and even more people who now requires urgent counselling to try and erase that piece of crap from memory.

I’m old. And how the Internet reminds me of that everyday.

I opened www.billboard.com for my weekly dose of trying to make sense of what music Americans love and hate.  It’s sad, but I can’t help myself.  I need to know where my favourite artists are ranking in the epicentre of music.  I love music that much.  Silence is noise.

What I didn’t expect is this: (Well not this specifically but another version of it)

Sorry guys, on my way to a pool party!

Thoughts filled my head like a hot air balloon sending my blood pressure into the stratosphere.  The image conjured a range of words included, but not limited to:  Slut. Shameless. Sad. Provocative. Blatant.  Controversial.  Offensive.  Nipple.  Slut.  I know you’re tired of rants about the-girl-who-can-not-be-tamed so take a deep breath this is not one of those posts. Continue reading

Just a quickie…on Miley

Who probably had a lot more than just the one I’m offering…

I was tempted after watching her atrocious music video of “Wrecking ball” to have a paternal fit about lost youth and disgraceful girls.  I decided not too add fuel to the fire that is the controversy that is Miley Cyrus.  I have given her way more attention than she deserves already.  And by writing this I am probably sending a few of you right over to YouTube to add to her record-breaking piece of crap.

I’M WARNING YOU!  It can NOT be unseen.  But the bottom line is this:

She is grown up. I get that.  She embraces her sexuality.  I get that.  She wants to explore new things.  I get that.  Hannah was a character.  I get that too.  She actually wants to look like a slut.  Yes, I even manage to understand that. (Even if it is with a slight twitch in my left eye)

But making out with a sledgehammer?  WTF?  The girl needs help or a real boyfriend.

Ah dad’s open letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley

What the hell were you thinking child?

But the backlash isn’t a surprise, is it?  You planned it carefully.  It was cold and calculated.  Your hands are soaked with her blood and you relish in it.  You wanted to kill Hannah Montana.  But in the end you not only delivered the gunshot to her head, you severed it with a blunt knife, then dozed her in petroleum, and while burning, pushed her off a cliff.  Filled with glee you cremated every trace of the Disney sweetheart.  You smilingly vaporised any memory that might still exist of the fact that the two of you were the same person.  It was premeditated death by twerking.

Why, my child, why?  Did you not earn enough money as the kid star?  Were your fan base not big enough? Did you despise being idolised by millions?

For this was your reality.  You became famous and moved out of the shadows of your father as a direct result of Hannah.  Most people have made decisions that we regret in one way or another, past actions that we are so ashamed of that we pray daily for it to remain buried deep in the sands of time.  Is this why you did it?  Were you ashamed of being seen as a nice American girl?

Thank you very much for putting me in a position where I have to explain to my 11 year-old daughter, why Miley Cyrus turned into a slut.  Fortunately for parents world-wide you have become almost unrecognisable from your alter ego with the blond wig.  Unfortunately your name pops up often and now I have to explain to my little girl why it is inappropriate to dance like that. Ever.

Kids grow up, I know, no-one said it would be easy.  No-one said you had to stay a prune forever, in fact no-one expected you too.  Glimpses of greatness was obvious with Party in the USA, and your latest song isn’t even half bad. So why oh why would you create such a spectacle of yourself in front of a gazillion people watching.  Were you high?  Honestly, please tell me, for it would be a much easier conversation with my daughter then trying to say “She was sober and just fucked up.”  And relax I will choose my words better in that conversation.

The upside of the whole debacle is the proof you supplied to my daughter that people will disappoint you, that finding role models and inspirational people is extremely difficult these days.  You enforced the idea that fame and money corrupts, something I don’t even have to discuss with her, she can just watch the Youtube video. And due to your unique interpretation of “things you can do with a rubber finger” I’m hoping she never has to.  The message you did put across, very successfully I might add, is that she needs to be her own hero and that finding and living her own dream is the only secret to happiness.  Thanks for that.

You are a grown woman and you can say whatever you want to.   But in the end I think you forgot about those innocent girls who is still idolising you.  The Hannah Montana girls whom you left behind.  The girls that adored you, that still wants to know everything you do.  Love it or hate it, normal people cannot separate their past from their present.  You’re obviously not normal, as the girl prancing on stage had NO resemblance whatsoever to the poster of the young woman my daughter has had on her wall.  That poster is what made you girl!

Your dad must be so proud after your amazingly agile stripper performance at the VMA’s on Sunday, as every Dad lives for that moment when their little princess becomes the sex-crazed slut they always wanted them to be.  I suppose no one can blame you for pushing your ass up into Robin Thicke’s crotch as he did resemble a barber pole in that outfit.

Congrats on being the most talked about thing of this year’s awards show, and for dethroning Kanye West as my biggest a-hole on TV.  And say Hi to your boyfriend, who must be super psyched knowing what everyone is going to be talking about when the two of you walk down the street.  You obviously have a lot of consideration for his views and beliefs.

In the end I am still left perplexed.  Why would anyone want to come of as a cheap, nympho?  I suppose it does require a certain lack of self-respect.

In the mean time, I’ll just stick with my current answer about you being…well you know what.

Yours sincerely

Ah dad…