A stick and a ball

Golf… I don’t play, I rather drink at home.  And Saturdays are for, well all together now, “Doing nothing!”  I have quite a few friends who play.  (Yes I have friends!) They call it the sport of business men, drinking men, serious men.

I will not trash anything that has the potential to create millionaires.  Unless its slot machines and/or casino’s or pyramid schemes.  But I have to admit, as I was typing the word “S P O R T” in the same sentence as golf, I couldn’t control my own laughter.  In my mind sport = exercise, which implies an activity that increases your heart rate and pump blood faster.  It is supposed to create a range of motion that extends further than an elbow and a glass of beer.

A few of my friends have taken up golf as a sport based on the fact that “We need to start doing something.  We need to become more active.  We just sit around and gain weight.”  I have sprayed numerous mouthfuls of liquid and choked on several food items when this specific discussion is recycled.  Especially when they start motivating each other to take up golf.  My point is being outside in the sun, with shorts on, doesn’t immediately qualify as being active.

Golfers hit a little white ball with a club, get in a car and drive as close as they can to where the ball is, endangering numerous lives doing so.  Then they hit the ball again, drive, hit, drive, hit until it is sunk into the little black hole.  Everybody says yeah and repeat the whole process another 17 times.

Now this scene plays out totally different when the late arrivals on the golf course are stuck without golf carts.  It’s swearing and cursing and complaining about the inefficient resources and the demise of good, solid management.  The reason for the unhappiness is evident as these poor players now have to, heaven forbid, walk!  (The horror!)  There will be sweat!  (No, stop!)  There will be heat!  (I can’t take it anymore!)

And the gates of hell opens when there is nobody to carry their golfbags around the course.

Who decided that golf should be classified as a sport?  What was the criteria used?  I mean if using a stick and ball is the only requirement, then we can also include sex in the Olympic games.  (I can hear the support right through the screen!)

For most men standing around a fire; topics of conversation are limited to politics, cars, women, sport and golf.  (Note two separate things.)  I’m always there to correct my friends, and then I end up being bombarded with handicaps and putting and drives and par and birdies and you name it.  I never learn, but if the shoe fits…

Most people assume I play, and it’s probably due to my chosen career as a marketer.  So when I’m asked what my handicap is, my reply: “Golf”.

(Maybe my cynicism stems from the fact that I can’t hit the damn white ball.  No, that can’t be it…)