How to take the perfect selfie

If you don’t know what a selfie is then there is no hope left for you in this world. So I’ll be jumping right in.

A good selfie requires that:

1. You need to be self-aware.  Or have a nice face.  Or at least, think you have a nice face.  Or most probably just be delusional, obnoxious, vain and a self righteous prick/bitch. (depending on your gender).

2. You need to own a smart phone, preferably one that can flip the screen around so that you can see how to pull the most idiotic expression you can come up with, before capturing it for everyone to laugh at.  And it needs to be a decent smart phone for nothing says: “I’m trying too hard” like a low resolution picture.  And remember if all else fails you can even use a mirror, but please be aware of what might be lurking in the background, for as with most mirrors, it will be captured in the reflection.  Oh and before I forget, remember to use a flash, for that might hide your face and protect you from serious ridicule.

3. You need to be on a social network.  Sorry, let me rephrase that, you need to be on every social network known to man, alien and other semi-intelligent life-forms.  Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and what ever else may be out there at the moment.  It’s all those places where the people who lost the ability to connect in ridiculous ways, like talking for example, hang out.  You see you need to cast your selfie over the vast open spaces of the Internet, and in so doing you’re spreading happiness and joy, for everyone needs something to make them forget their troubles and break out in hysterics.  Besides you’re also providing a service to parents like me, who now have an indexed album of examples, of people whom my kids are not allowed to bring home.  Ever.

4. You need to be able to pout.  Like when your eating a lemon after being stung by a bee on your lower lip. No scrap that, on both lips.  Think Extreme pouting.  Or just visit any mediocre celebrity’s Instagram page for a sample.  You might as well wear a shirt that says “I’m cheap” when you don’t commit and give a mediocre, half-assed pout.  Technically, pouting your lips is body language for I’m a whore, and I’ll do anything for I’m desperate and alone, but that’s just my interpretation.

5. If you don’t have that much of a face, and you know it, well first off, kudos’ to you! But please don’t let that stop you, just show some cleavage.  Your rack will distract all attention from the ugly features of your face, so no one will even notice. Especially if you show some real inventive ways of showing off the twins i.e covered in hair or nothing.  For guys, same rule apply.  Show some pectoral muscles, and if you don’t have any…Well then…I don’t know.

6.  Have long arms, the longer they are the better.  The problem with a lot of selfies is that it’s either out of focus or it’s cropped showing one eye and some facial hair.  And then there’s the photos of men…  Take a moment and consider how much of your face will be in the shot.  If you can’t fit the whole thing, then revert to the mirror technique.  People don’t want to guess which idiot they are seeing, they want the full reveal.

7. And if you can’t do any of the above, well just take a picture of yourself doing something really amazing, because we can all do with a little inspiration.

 

I’m done.

Wait.

I’m not.

I just find the whole concept ridiculous.  It makes absulotely no sense whatsoever.  Why would you willingly want to come across like a village idiot?  Since when did being stupid became cool?  Most people don’t look good in a normal photo, so why do people think having a distorted version of yourself doing the most arbitrary things, would look any better?

If you want to post a photo of yourself, get someone to take the fucking photo for you, at a decent angle, with some consideration for composure and lighting.  Then crop and edit.  It’s that simple.  Try it.

The homicide of reading

ID-10046130

Blood is on the wall in libraries around the world
(Photo courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net)

Are you serious?  WTF?  Questions I tend to agree with.  Writing this post as a lover of comic books seems hypocritical.  For a person who gets slightly too excited about a great movie, pinning these comments, seems a bit odd.  But as a passionate lover of photography this topic is downright insane.  Good morning people, I am Dr Jeckyl, I will now introduce you to  Mr Hyde.

WordPress tracks every like per post.  Calm down, I know there’s a few of you reading this thinking, “No shit Sherlock.” I’m trying to make a point.  Yesterday I realised that of my ten most liked posts, seven of them are photos.  I went into a slight sate of panic.  In those frightening moments several thoughts raced through my mind.  (1) My writing is terrible and people feel sorry for me therefore they just like my photos.  Like the proverbial pat on the back. (2) My stories are too long and boring and that is why the wife sometimes fall asleep when I talk. (3) My own conceived sense of humour doesn’t actually exist, thus turning my dreams of doing stand-up into dust.

Yes, I do feel slightly melodramatic this morning, like a drag queen without a wig.  I want to piss and whine so that by the end of this post I will feel better.  After taking my S&M whip out of the closet and beating myself with it, it dawned on me…

It might not be my writing… I said, might not…

When followers/bloggers/readers/stalkers see photo posts in the reading panel they don’t have to do much.  Basically it boils down to looking at the picture, deciding if they like it, and if they do, (which still sort of amazes me), they click the like button.  Yeah!

Written posts are slightly more complicated.  Not brain surgery, or flying a Boeing, but just a tad more involved.  They see the heading, then they read the first paragraph, if it intrigues them, they look at their watch and decide whether continuing would be worthy of their time.  If by the grace of God they finish the story and they like it, then BAM, they press like and I orgasm immediately.

For the photies out there, if takes a lot of hours to write that frigging opening paragraph.  Selecting words, that not only capture the essence of the story, but crafting the bait as expertly as we can, hoping that it might catch the eye of one or two of the million readers browsing daily.  We create these dreaded opening paragraphs using our own tools, like photographers would use rules of third, composition, lighting and focus.  Hoping that the choices we make would raise the interest level so that someone might actually finish reading the story.  And don’t get me started on the title.  Fuck.  I have spend hours, days, months contemplating titles.

In the end I don’t blame the bloggers, I blame pictures for the homicidal attack on reading.  Modern man (and woman) has become so accustomed to a microwave way of life.  Everything is about speed and convenience, like lasagne, chicken soup, noodles, fast cars, e-mail and movies.  How many of us have appreciated the finer nuances of novels like Hunger Games or the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo before seeing the movies?  Do we realise that our imagination is a way better director than any previous Oscar winner?

I love taking pictures, and I know a good one is worth a thousand words, but it’s damn hard to relay a story in a way that would spark the interest of people.  It takes time, time and time.  Knowing this, as an avid reader, aspiring writer and photographer wannabe, I am slightly schizophrenic.

I do appreciate every like I ever got on my blog and me loving the followers; goes without saying, but you see, rambling in writing makes me feel better.

And you know what, if people like my photo’s more than my writing, I am down with that.  Besides, my son and a few other faithful ones likes them stories. Life’s good.