How to gain more followers on Twitter. (If you’re not famous off course!)

This is going to blow your mind, especially as it is written by a person who has been tweeting for more than two years.  It’s written by a person who is extremely unknown, the opposite of a celebrity.  It’s a dad who has tried everything known to the human race to increase the people clicking the follow button on that god-forsaken-blue-bird-of-a-social-platform Twitter; except posting naked pictures of himself. (I know that’s never gonna work, I’ve seen myself naked.)

After countless trials and tribulations, not to mention the feelings of neglect and insecurity, I think I finally have it all worked out. I now have an impressive (and I don’t mean to brag) following of 40.  I must admit, I used to have 43, but my kids decided to unfollow me.  Yes, I know I only have two.  Weird. They are grounded. For life. Continue reading

Facebook and the Seven Dwarfs

Once upon a time there was…Wait, this is no fairy tale.

It’s happening as I’m writing this.  All across the Internet!  And if we don’t stop the abuse of Facebook by these seven little men, we might never be able to safe the only means of communication future generations have left.  I’ll be damned if I’ll allow that to happen.  I’m blowing the whistle for my kids!

For the same thing happened to Snow White.  Continue reading

How to take the perfect selfie

If you don’t know what a selfie is then there is no hope left for you in this world. So I’ll be jumping right in.

A good selfie requires that:

1. You need to be self-aware.  Or have a nice face.  Or at least, think you have a nice face.  Or most probably just be delusional, obnoxious, vain and a self righteous prick/bitch. (depending on your gender).

2. You need to own a smart phone, preferably one that can flip the screen around so that you can see how to pull the most idiotic expression you can come up with, before capturing it for everyone to laugh at.  And it needs to be a decent smart phone for nothing says: “I’m trying too hard” like a low resolution picture.  And remember if all else fails you can even use a mirror, but please be aware of what might be lurking in the background, for as with most mirrors, it will be captured in the reflection.  Oh and before I forget, remember to use a flash, for that might hide your face and protect you from serious ridicule.

3. You need to be on a social network.  Sorry, let me rephrase that, you need to be on every social network known to man, alien and other semi-intelligent life-forms.  Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and what ever else may be out there at the moment.  It’s all those places where the people who lost the ability to connect in ridiculous ways, like talking for example, hang out.  You see you need to cast your selfie over the vast open spaces of the Internet, and in so doing you’re spreading happiness and joy, for everyone needs something to make them forget their troubles and break out in hysterics.  Besides you’re also providing a service to parents like me, who now have an indexed album of examples, of people whom my kids are not allowed to bring home.  Ever.

4. You need to be able to pout.  Like when your eating a lemon after being stung by a bee on your lower lip. No scrap that, on both lips.  Think Extreme pouting.  Or just visit any mediocre celebrity’s Instagram page for a sample.  You might as well wear a shirt that says “I’m cheap” when you don’t commit and give a mediocre, half-assed pout.  Technically, pouting your lips is body language for I’m a whore, and I’ll do anything for I’m desperate and alone, but that’s just my interpretation.

5. If you don’t have that much of a face, and you know it, well first off, kudos’ to you! But please don’t let that stop you, just show some cleavage.  Your rack will distract all attention from the ugly features of your face, so no one will even notice. Especially if you show some real inventive ways of showing off the twins i.e covered in hair or nothing.  For guys, same rule apply.  Show some pectoral muscles, and if you don’t have any…Well then…I don’t know.

6.  Have long arms, the longer they are the better.  The problem with a lot of selfies is that it’s either out of focus or it’s cropped showing one eye and some facial hair.  And then there’s the photos of men…  Take a moment and consider how much of your face will be in the shot.  If you can’t fit the whole thing, then revert to the mirror technique.  People don’t want to guess which idiot they are seeing, they want the full reveal.

7. And if you can’t do any of the above, well just take a picture of yourself doing something really amazing, because we can all do with a little inspiration.

 

I’m done.

Wait.

I’m not.

I just find the whole concept ridiculous.  It makes absulotely no sense whatsoever.  Why would you willingly want to come across like a village idiot?  Since when did being stupid became cool?  Most people don’t look good in a normal photo, so why do people think having a distorted version of yourself doing the most arbitrary things, would look any better?

If you want to post a photo of yourself, get someone to take the fucking photo for you, at a decent angle, with some consideration for composure and lighting.  Then crop and edit.  It’s that simple.  Try it.