Lately my writing time has been soaked up by a lot of other
shi stuff in my life. It’s not the best excuse but it’s the one I’m using. I really wish I had more time to write because it’s the one thing that prevents me from kicking random strangers and/or colleagues. The other thing is coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. I’ve had more than one anxiety attack lately because my life has been hectic. Just last week I was googling my symptoms on WebMD and I was either having a mini-stroke or just very hungry.
I have two kids. *The crowd goes silence in suspense* These kids are getting older by the minute. *The audience gasps at another shocking revelation*. They will be leaving the house soon. *Audience members are leaving as the suspense is becoming too much to bear* Continue reading
This image was borrowed from yellowscene.com because I googled “date night” and then searched for images and found this really cool pic because I love superheroes and shit and now I have to give credit to the site because I don’t want to get arrested for copyright infringement.
Princess was on a boat cruise over the weekend as part of a school tour for the top academic achievers of each grade. She obviously takes after me… Seeing that it was our twenty-first wedding anniversary last Thursday, I knew this weekend had serious potential for a date night. I just needed to get rid of Dude. Which is extremely easy to do. One only needs to move the PlayStation console and plug it into a different monitor at the venue you want him to move to. Like a friend’s house. Continue reading
I’m not kidding. This is serious stuff. I’m busy checking my family tree that seemed to be uprooted by the latest splurge of hurricanes ruining countries globally…
I’ve just arrived back from Argentina with a sinus infection so severe, I had to consider my last will and testament based on the lack of sympathy I received from my kids. Based on their sensitive reaction to my condition they wouldn’t get anything from the minimal stuff I have to give them. Wife was a bit more concerned, and only because I kept her up at night due to my consistent coughing from my annoying nazal drip. (Form a line ladies…)
Parents have a crappy job. It starts with wiping of said substance from the soft posterior of the little angels we bring home from the hospital and then it goes downhill from there. Fast. I’m not referring to the countless moments of joy and regret kids provide parents with on a daily basis. I’m specifically referencing the task of forming, sculpting and trying to raise responsible adults who will do more than simply wipe their own butts one day.
I’m talking about discipline. That’s the tough job. The part of parenting I hate. The having to say “No” part. The part where you create boundaries and then struggle for the rest of eternity to make them stay within those boundaries. And for every parent it’s different. Some of us have narrow boundaries, whilst others have boundaries as wide as the universe itself. There’s no right or wrong. To make matters even more complicated, it’s also our job to decide when we need to make the circle bigger, to expand the boundaries, even if it’s just a little at a time. And we need to make them bigger because the aim is to reach the point where you can demolish all the boundaries and simply let them fly. Or at least fall out of the nest without breaking their neck in the process. Continue reading
Actual footage of Dude’s room
Teenagers are wonderfully skilled at throwing clothes on the floor. If they decide to introduce “the ability to generate piles of clothing” as an Olympic event, all the participants would be between the ages of 13 and 19. Like gymnastics. Even though modern society has invented wonderful ways to keep clothes need and tidy. Useless inventions like coat hangers, shelves, cupboards, organizing compartments and the shirt folders made famous by Sheldon. Not to mention the whole practice of ironing. Continue reading
As parents we fantasize about being alone without the kids…yes we all do it!
Dreaming about having a night off. Experiencing an evening of bliss when we don’t worry or talk or ponder about our kids. Especially if it happens in the midst of the tough parenting stages, which occurs from the time they’re born until you die. Because parents are never NOT parents. Once we take on the role, it turns into a life-time appointment, like a supreme court judge.
The only trouble with fantasizing about having a night off from parenting is that it’s never as great as we imagine it would be.
Having teenagers in my house means my kids have grown into little adults with whom I can have a conversation with. Continue reading
Lately I have gained a lot of new followers of which some are trapped in the midst of the stress and anxiety associated with parenting. I’m kidding! Being a parent is the most ungrateful, toughest job in the world. I’m kidding! The money is not good either.
But it’s rewarding. In a don’t-make-me-come-over-there-and slap-the-stupid-out-of-you kind of way.
Then there’s teenagers.
Therefore, a drafted this simply guide for raising teens based on three years of governing my beautiful, darling, little angels through the monster-phase maze into adulthood. Continue reading
Embarrassing your kids is a privileged bestowed upon parents in exchange for having to feed them. But it is an art form because you still want them to speak to you every now and again. The aim is not to scar them for life, you merely want to cause moderate, temporary discomfort and show them who’s the boss. You certainly don’t want to be the reason why they take up unhealthy habits like smoking crack, kicking puppies or end up as someone’s bitch in jail.
In days gone by it used to be a simpler activity. Dads could simply lie around on a sofa, watching Friends, wearing your favourite T-shirt resembling the battle ground of a QuarterPounder and a SloppyJoe. Nowadays kids have Facebook and Instagram and they might just post a photo of your protruding belly with a hashtag #OMGlookatmyDad. (And with my luck that post would go viral, unlike my blog or tweets.) Continue reading
Travelling is part of my life like the hump on that cartoon character from Notre dame. It’s uncomfortable but probably makes me more interesting. I think…
Getting to the end of the year, this hump of mine is becoming a life crushing burden. I hate carting the damn thing around everywhere. And I’m not referring to the hump, I’m referring to the fucking suitcase. Focus.
I hate slugging it around as if my life depends on it. Continue reading
You should thank me for NOT posting some of the other images one gets when Googling “crooked teeth”. Image courtesy of http://www.mydentail.ie
As parents we are very much aware of events in the lives of our children, especially when it comes to signs of them growing up.
We celebrate their first tooth, their first word and their first step. We celebrate their first successful poop in a potty. And then commence to change a thousand soiled underpants thereafter. We celebrate their first day of kindergarten with tears of joy and their last day of high school with unattractive sobbing. Continue reading