Most of my weeks sucks because I have to work and it’s been an eternity since my last holiday. What makes matters worse is that both my kids have finished their final exams of their respective grades and they’re sitting at home doing nothing. Sorry, that’s technically not true; they’re hanging out with friends around the pool playing pool, getting hooked on PS4 and YouTube crazes, sleeping in…you know keeping busy like teenagers keep busy.
And I have to pay for all of it with blood, sweat and tears.
Then this happened… Continue reading
I’ve been busy. On all fronts. And things changed. Drastically.
This week marks the first time that I was able to persuade Princess to join us in our routine torture sessions before the sun shows his friendly, fat face. (I’m still moderately intrigued as to why she suddenly agreed to join us but in order to protect my sanity, I’m not going to dwell on that too long.)
Selling the concept of training in the morning was far easier than the execution thereof. It took a lot of persuasion to finally get her to wake up and get dressed in some kind of sports attire. Think ‘trying to fit and elephant in a mini cooper’. Not that I’m insinuating she’s fat because she definitely is not. She’s not even overweight. Besides wouldn’t I be an awful parent if I called my daughter an elephant? Even though she laughs like Heffalump. I’m getting side-tracked… Continue reading
I’m half-way through the war and I’m happy to report that there’s only been a limited amount of injuries and no casualties. One can only hope that the post-traumatic stress of the battles won’t cause excessive psychological damage in the long run.
The war I’m referring to is trying to get my spawn to migrate from kids to teenagers. And I have two. Don’t feel sorry for me, just send money. And alcohol.
Seriously though, thus far they haven’t turned into the raging hormonal freaks so many other parents warned us about. They’re merely two hormonal, moderately erratic, older versions of the loving kids that used to live in our house. Two people trying to understand who they are, where they fit in and how to cope with life. We pray that this journey of discovery ends in complete acceptance and unconditional self-love. Continue reading
I have superior intellect and that means two things, I could have solved world hunger or become a super-villain… If I only knew about it… Up until a few hours ago I never knew I was a genius. An ex-girlfriend did tell me once: “You think you know everything, don’t you!” But I assumed she was just being a sarcastic bitch. I didn’t expect a compliment whilst I was in the process of breaking up with the evil twin of Cruella de Vill.
Whilst surfing the Internet,
killing time at work searching for work related information, I discovered my unknown talent. Talk about wasted years. I’ve spend at least two of them arguing with the teenagers in my life, when I could have just told them how I know everything. Discussion done. I didn’t. Damn it brain. You failed me.
Fortunately I stumbled upon a site which disclosed this extremely well kept secret to me. Continue reading
Is this freaking you out? Image credit: ISTOCK
I got back from Brazil last week and assumed things would be exactly like I left it two days earlier. So much for me making assumptions. Things can change dramatically in a very short space of time.
I arrived to an empty house.
Like the story of the little boy who was sent to buy a loaf of bread and how he spend hours finding the perfect bakery to buy the freshest and biggest and most special loaf for his parents. Only to return to an empty house as they left town never to be seen again…
Don’t worry, my Wife didn’t take the kids and ran. She doesn’t want to see me happy. Continue reading
It turns out I’m kind of special. And not the kind that requires pity. The kind of special that makes you want to sign autographs and yell at the damn incompetent butler of your penthouse that it takes a very specific kind of stupid not to know that one needs to chill the water that they squeezed out of a rock from Mars BEFORE serving it on a bed of dead fairies.
Help, these days…
Getting back to my life of luke-warm tap water and no butler because “You can certainly do that shit for yourself!”, said Mother.
Being a father makes me happy as a lark. I simply love being a Dad. It remains one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever attempted to do. Attempted, as I’m still busy trying to figure it out. Winging it, so to speak. Fortunately for us, our little birdies haven’t flown the coop. They still snuggle under our wings. There has not been a need for them to spread their own. Wings, that is. Continue reading
Did you know there are still a few magical and mystical locations left on earth? Undiscovered sanctuaries where pink, fluffy unicorns go and lay their eggs, raise their young. Or where they crystallize the urine of angels to make pixie dust. (Either that or it’s made from the cremated remains of Care Bears. The jury is still out on that one…)
Our ashes make Peter Pan fly
I know of such a wondrous place. It’s in our house. It’s my bathroom. Continue reading
In that moment when Henry Ford invented the first black car, he introduced an eternal battle among all siblings. A universal crisis facing every parent on a daily basis. A headache inducing logistical nightmare, and another reason why Cain killed Abel. I’ll bet my salary that someone, somewhere is having a fight about it right now. Some poor father having to decipher and figure out which kid gets to ride in the front seat…
With my limited attention span I barely remember what stuff to buy on a trip to the shop, never mind trying to remember whose turn it is to take that coveted spot next to me. Continue reading
Older people always reminisce about the good old days. About how great things were back in the day. They can’t help but comment on how different things are today. ‘Different’ being used as a synonym for “it’s-really-gone-to-shit”, off course.
As kids we were bombarded by tales and urban legends of how awesome and simple things were when our parents grew up. We used to roll our eyes when they would start to talk about all the stuff they did, around the time when dinosaurs roamed earth.
For everything we don’t know about the meaning of life, the one thing we do know is that life has a twisted sense of humour. And the more things change, the more they stay the same. Continue reading