My car was stolen. (Sort of…)

It was a long business meeting, a fun-filled event that made pulling out your own hair kind of appealing.  By the time our torture finally ended, I was famished and suggested lunch.  This was surprising considering how much bull shit we were fed.  We stopped at the mall and had salad and bagels and steak.  My two esteemed colleagues wanted to pop into the pharmacy, where you find an array of things to pop and left me with the bill.  Hence the reason why I really, really, really like them.

After relinquishing some hard-earned cash, I picked up my wallet and phone.  I would have picked up my keys too, but realised they were missing in action.  After searching for them underneath, on top, behind and through the table, it dawned on me that they must have fallen out of my pocket.  Karma was pissed of with me.  I was succumbed by a mild wave of panic, which included a flustered face and elevated heartbeat.

I retraced my steps into the parking area, looking down like I was the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Continue reading

How to take the perfect selfie

If you don’t know what a selfie is then there is no hope left for you in this world. So I’ll be jumping right in.

A good selfie requires that:

1. You need to be self-aware.  Or have a nice face.  Or at least, think you have a nice face.  Or most probably just be delusional, obnoxious, vain and a self righteous prick/bitch. (depending on your gender).

2. You need to own a smart phone, preferably one that can flip the screen around so that you can see how to pull the most idiotic expression you can come up with, before capturing it for everyone to laugh at.  And it needs to be a decent smart phone for nothing says: “I’m trying too hard” like a low resolution picture.  And remember if all else fails you can even use a mirror, but please be aware of what might be lurking in the background, for as with most mirrors, it will be captured in the reflection.  Oh and before I forget, remember to use a flash, for that might hide your face and protect you from serious ridicule.

3. You need to be on a social network.  Sorry, let me rephrase that, you need to be on every social network known to man, alien and other semi-intelligent life-forms.  Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and what ever else may be out there at the moment.  It’s all those places where the people who lost the ability to connect in ridiculous ways, like talking for example, hang out.  You see you need to cast your selfie over the vast open spaces of the Internet, and in so doing you’re spreading happiness and joy, for everyone needs something to make them forget their troubles and break out in hysterics.  Besides you’re also providing a service to parents like me, who now have an indexed album of examples, of people whom my kids are not allowed to bring home.  Ever.

4. You need to be able to pout.  Like when your eating a lemon after being stung by a bee on your lower lip. No scrap that, on both lips.  Think Extreme pouting.  Or just visit any mediocre celebrity’s Instagram page for a sample.  You might as well wear a shirt that says “I’m cheap” when you don’t commit and give a mediocre, half-assed pout.  Technically, pouting your lips is body language for I’m a whore, and I’ll do anything for I’m desperate and alone, but that’s just my interpretation.

5. If you don’t have that much of a face, and you know it, well first off, kudos’ to you! But please don’t let that stop you, just show some cleavage.  Your rack will distract all attention from the ugly features of your face, so no one will even notice. Especially if you show some real inventive ways of showing off the twins i.e covered in hair or nothing.  For guys, same rule apply.  Show some pectoral muscles, and if you don’t have any…Well then…I don’t know.

6.  Have long arms, the longer they are the better.  The problem with a lot of selfies is that it’s either out of focus or it’s cropped showing one eye and some facial hair.  And then there’s the photos of men…  Take a moment and consider how much of your face will be in the shot.  If you can’t fit the whole thing, then revert to the mirror technique.  People don’t want to guess which idiot they are seeing, they want the full reveal.

7. And if you can’t do any of the above, well just take a picture of yourself doing something really amazing, because we can all do with a little inspiration.

 

I’m done.

Wait.

I’m not.

I just find the whole concept ridiculous.  It makes absulotely no sense whatsoever.  Why would you willingly want to come across like a village idiot?  Since when did being stupid became cool?  Most people don’t look good in a normal photo, so why do people think having a distorted version of yourself doing the most arbitrary things, would look any better?

If you want to post a photo of yourself, get someone to take the fucking photo for you, at a decent angle, with some consideration for composure and lighting.  Then crop and edit.  It’s that simple.  Try it.