This is 40…Final round

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I missed the deadline!  Relax, no-one’s getting fired and no-ones sitting in dark corner crying, at least I’m not expecting anyone too.  I’m not in a race against time, for I hate losing.  Besides “the Day” arrived and moved along, almost unknowingly if not for the major Birthday Bash that celebrated this event.  Surprisingly, no eerily long hair sprouted out of my nose and ears.  Turning forty came and went, without leaving any savage markings, unlike a few girls I tried dating in high school.  Anyhow, back to the BASH!, which is the reason for fumbling so close to the finish line.  I was aiming to finish all 40 tidbits of wisdom, but between all the invitations, decorations, considerations, celebrations and a little intoxications,  it wasn’t  realistic expectation to begin with.

Bu I have a real treat for you.  I am going to flood your senses like no meal shown on Masterchef ever would.  I am going to post the last ten snippets of wisdom in my series of forty, ALL AT ONCE! No more waiting in agony, no more checking your inboxes constantly.  When you reach #35, you can just scroll down, like one those awful tele-ads screaming “Wait there’s more!”  See what a nice guy I can be?  Unless of course you’ve read this blog before and you’re a fan of Kanye West and the atrocity that used to be Hannah Montana, you would know better, but enough of that.

So gather round, my amazing children, my trusted readers.  Get nice and comfy, yes grab a goblet of wine, (Why the hell not!) and lend me your ears.  Here’s the last ten.  Focus.

31. Respect people irrespective of their colour, religion, sexual orientation, age or gender.  I’m not saying you need to agree with people or even approve what they are doing, for that would just be stupid.  There are just to many oddities and such a wide variety of loonies running amok amongst the general populace it would actually be impossible.  I’m just saying respect people, for when you do, they might return the favour.

32. Don’t remain a victim in life.  If life brings out the big guns and blast you to smithereens and *insert drum roll* it most probably will happen at some point, you need to dust yourself off, scream “Screw you!” to whatever situation you might find yourself in and get up again.  It’s not about how hard you fall but how quickly you get up. (And I wouldn’t mind taking the credit for coining the phrase, but sometimes other people write great things too.)  Getting up remains the hardest thing to do, but once you’re up again and standing tall, there is just no better feeling in this world of ours.  Bad things happen to a lot of people, that’s life, all kinds of people get hurt, physically and emotionally, but moping and sulking and feeling sorry for yourself is not going to achieve anything.  Nor will it get you laid.  I mean dates.  I will not get you dates.

33. Always treasure the tender relationship you have with your grandparents.  Yes I know they might seem VERY old and may even start to smell weird, but hear this:  When you were still young and cute, they loved you more than they loved us, their own children.  They defended you, spoilt you and supported you with ever little clumsy step you took.  They might not be able throw a ball or run a marathon up the hill, but they love you just as much as that very first day.  Getting old just means you had a few more birthdays than the next guy.  I’m know I’m probably wasting space here, as you two are so absorbed with those  grandparents of yours, you’re forgetting they were our parents first.

34. Always wear clean underwear, or rather, always wear underwear.  You never know what situations you might find yourself in, and then when you end up getting your pants ripped off, you might end up showing a few short comings you never intended too.  Unless you’re that guy from Boogie Nights, but that’s a long shot.  (And a prosthesis, I keep telling myself.)  This lesson is both realistically and metaphorically speaking.  And whilst I’m on the subject, pull up your pants.  If I see those jeans hanging lower than your ass crack, so help me, I will give you a wedgy personally.  And that goes for all your friends, Son and (sigh) all the wannabe boyfriends too, my Princess.  Consider yourself informed.

35. Tattoo’s might seem like a good idea at the time.  It’s not.  It might even seem like the best way to honour/celebrate/eternalise a moment in your life, but before you plunge a coloured needle in your arm, remember.  No f*cking way!  Sorry that came out wrong.  If you consider getting an ink blot on your arm whilst living under my roof…No f*cking way.  Sorry I’m really messing this up with f-bombs, but whilst trying to be the sensitive, understanding parent, whilst dishing out advise, when it comes to tattoo’s I have a base programming error.  Maybe just remember “No f*cking way” and deal with it.

36.  Relationships is hard work.  And not in the romantic kind of way you see in Hollywood movies where two people can’t decide on which side of the bed to sleep or what colour to paint the room.  Even though you get those moments too.  It’s hard work based on good ole compromise, commitment and shit.  If it wasn’t difficult, divorce lawyers would not have been able to pay rent.  And half of the comedians on earth wouldn’t have any material to make us laugh.  But it’s worth it, the hard work.  It’s worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears I’ve ever lost.  What’s that love?  I meant to say it’s worth every piece of joy, happiness and bliss I’ve received.

37. I did mention that you need a great partner in life, but the lesson is so important I’m repeating it again.  (I’m trying to gain some browning points after number 36.) I’m sorry to mention the fact that you might never find another human as great and amazing as your mother, but be strong and hold on, for if you find someone who is even  half as wonderful and funny as she is, then you’ll still be the luckiest human alive.

38. Have faith.  And don’t worry I’m not getting preachy.  But I know and understand that believing in something unseen is one of the fundamentals of being human.  The Lord has carried me through some of the darkest moments of my life and even though I might not be His poster child,  I know that my belief gives me strength, it exposes hope and gives me a sanctuary from the daily struggles of life.  But God is a lot of things, but he is not a convenience store.  Don’t just run to Him in desperate time.  He’s a friend, a companion if you will (and not the awkward one, He’s the cool one.)  Just take my word for it.  He wants to be part of your life, so let Him.

39. and 40.  And these are the most important lessons of all.  It’s not really something I can tangibly explain, for the lessons are still being taught.  The teachers are my own two children.  Son and Princess.  You constitute my greatest success in life, it’s me reaching the Everest of humanity.  Your arrivals are both the greatest and most humbling things to ever happen to me.  I learn something from you every day, something about myself, things about life.  You inspire me to be more than a mere mortal man or a great father.  I’m committed to be the best father and greatest husband to have ever lived…  (Sorry, but I’ve only recovered from hysterics now, twenty minutes later, as this must be the funniest thing I’ve ever written!  Irony gets me very time!)  Anyhow you’ve exposed a love that I never knew existed or was even capable of.  And these series of posts is trying to return the favour…

So there it is, THIS IS 40, all done and dusted.  (Better late than never.)  The forty lessons I’ve learned in my life, thus far.  I’m just glad that I’m not fifty for I’m freshly out of any more advise.  Arriving at the end of these series of posts and pressing the publish button creates a bit of unexpected nostalgia.  Alas turning 40 is yesterday’s news.

I’m keen to return to more of my general ramblings on important, relevant, newsworthy and even controversial issues, like who was the sick idiot who decided to fund a movie like Grown ups 2, when there are millions starving across the globe, and even more people who now requires urgent counselling to try and erase that piece of crap from memory.

This is 40…Round 6

One wouldn't say so...

One wouldn’t say so…

Time’s running out.  Someone took a rocket missile and blasted that little opening between the two cubicles of the hour glass to smithereens, resulting in the last few minutes of my 39th year flowing as freely as the tears from teeny boppers at a Justin Bieber concert.  So I need to speed up the posts, if I still wanna make the list of 40 lessons I’ve learned in my so-called life, before I hit forty, or as it’s known in in my house rock-bottom.

26. Pick up your clothes.  For garments made from cotton, polyester and whatever else they use these days, does not grow legs.  It can’t pick itself up.  So by you NOT doing it, implies someone else have too.  Learn this now and the nagging will stop immediately.  The alternative would be to just let the clothes pile up and then (1) You might have a very interesting (and expensive) mountain climbing rig in your room, or (2) You’ll suffocate and die, just like Alexander The Great.  Yes he did.  (But who would not want to see Angelina Jolie picking up clothes in his room!)  Another benefit would be that when you acquire the skill of putting clothes in the washing bin, you will retain it as an adult and your future wife will also have one less reason to nag you.

27. Don’t get mad.  Get even.  Sorry, I meant to say: Don’t go to bed mad.  Sleep on the floor.  No, no, no.  I’ trying to say: Don’t fall asleep with anger hovering like a ghost in the room.  It’s another cliché, but this one doesn’t get the necessary credit is so rightly deserves.  Even when you’re married to an angel, like I am, you sometimes find that they need to send their wings for dry-cleaning and they end up preparing dinner as a mere mortal.  In comes husband, who is totally unaware of said dry-cleaning gig, and he complains about the lack of red meat on the menu.  The look will escalate into a full blown fit, morphing into a serious tiff and eventually explodes all over the kitchen walls, with deafening silence.  And this is not a good quiet, like when you’re sitting in church, this is video with no audio.  The silence is followed by awkwardness that fills the loving space we used to call home and as we’re forced to share a bed, we talk.  Well mostly they talk and we listen.  But there’s understanding, reconciliation, hugs and great make-up sex.  For those are the best kind. (Should I have stopped sooner…)

28. Yes.  People at our age still do it, and Yes. We still love to do it.  (Now I’ll watch you squirm and try and get over that one…hehe)

29. Find something you’re prepared to do for free, every day and choose that as your career.  Obviously this needs some explaining, as this doesn’t necessary include PlayStation gaming or Social networking, unless of course you’re the next Mark Zuckenberg, who can screw over his friends, or get a job with some gaming company.  If you’re fortunate enough to end up gaming for a salary, just consider your reply when hanging around new people and they ask you for your occupation.  Answering with “I’m a player” might not go down well with the ladies.

30. If you’re in a relationship and you realise it’s not going to work out, or you know that the person is not the one, end it.  For both your sakes.  There’s no sense in dragging on with a relationship when it is as clear as dish-washed crystal that it’s never gonna last.  Move one.  To be in a relationship takes time, effort and commitment, and then there’s trust and compromise, and let’s not forget about the money.  I know I’m forgetting something… Oh yes love.  It needs love.  But even with all these things in place, every couple goes through bad patches, those special moments when you contemplate the choices you’ve  made and murder.  But when I refer to “work” in a relationship, it should NOT conjure images of a guy, standing in ankle chains, swinging a hammer at rocks in an orange jumpsuit.  If your relationship feels like a life sentence instead of a life journey; then it might be time to break out.  You’ll both be happier, eventually.

I have 10 more to go, and it suddenly dawned on me: Wisdom grows with age.  Which would be a logical reason why I’m racking my brain for another 10 of these thing-a-ma-advise-thingies.  I’m STILL A YOUNGSTER!  But I won’t quit. I will list forty, even if  I have to lie and make some up.

This is 40…Round 5

Here we go.  The next five lessons and/or bits of advise for my children in the wake of me turning forty in eight days.  Eight days people!! It’s almost less than a week.  Where’s that frigging brown paper bag.  Breath…in…Breath…out…Breath in…Breath out…

21. Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Pick your battles.  Don’t take life too seriously.  Or however you would like to define not to be worried about small useless things, like being stuck in traffic (unless you’re driving your 8 cm dilated wife to the hospital!) or not having chicken on a plane.  Relax, life might be spiteful in the small things, but the rewards in the bigger things are HUGE.  Just open your eyes and use the right focal lenses, for then you will see the treasures shining like the Sun, as seen from any place in the Southern hemisphere in summer.

22. Except your body.  All the imperfections.  Those crooked teeth that needs braces, sorry Son, that’s a gift from Dad.  That slightly bigger nose and poor eyesight, sorry Princess, that’s all Mom.  Our genetic codes combined might have resulted in spectacular little people, but certain faults slipped through the cracks.  So unless you have one eye, three legs (down boy), or blue reptile skin, then you don’t really have a problem.  Relax.  (see point 21).  Each person on earth has a body part that they hate.  But think about this…  If everyone had the perfect body then millions of plastic surgeons would be without work.  And their families without food and shelter.  The car industry would have fallen flat for they would no longer need a scantily clad woman sitting on a bonnet to sell the Volkswagen.  And that would destroy several of the third world countries we know today.  Hollywood would have to start making realistic movies and several rich bitches behind the big cosmetic houses of the world wouldn’t be able to afford the caviar and French champagne they consume daily.  Then there’s death and a loss of taxes.  We shouldn’t be selfish.  We should consider these people.  They need ugly.  They need imperfections.  They need us.

23. Study your asses off.  Yes, I know you’re skipping past this one.  It was inevitable, it’s an ancient truth that no scholar ever believes.  Ironically once you’re stuck behind a counter at McDonald’s at the age of forty three with two kids at home, crying for food, then yes, then only do people consider the importance of this valuable life lesson.

24. Don’t let any man treat you like a piece of shit.  I understand this might be applicable to Princess, but Son, heads up…  If any prick whom is fortunate enough to end up in a relationship with you, treats you worse than I did, two words:  Dump him.  Quickly.  For you are worthy of the highest level of adoration from any man.  You’re a unique being, the brightest light, a precious orchid blooming proudly in a pasture of common lilies.  Expect nothing less from a man.  And if he ever raises his hands, so help me God I will place his manly parts in a electric pencil sharpener and press the button, with the biggest smile ever to appear on a human face.

25. Sing and dance whenever you can, and do it like no one’s watching.  Do it often, anywhere, whether you might have the voice of a sick mocking jay, who only ever heard Kanye West, or the rhythm of a dog in heat.  Just do it, for to dance and sing implies happiness.   And people like to see happy.  People are inspired by happy.  People need happy.  Be one of the shiny, happy people of our world.

Ah Dad signing out.  For now that is…

PS – Only eight days left…shit!

.

This is 40…Round 4

How the hell can I!!!!

How the hell can I!!!!

Blah blah, blah blah blah…fourth set… blah blah…things I learned…..blah…list for my kids…blah blah *burp* (excuse me)…blah…turning 40 in 13 days.

16. Don’t be afraid to be unique, to stand out in a crowd, to be the one that everyone is talking about.  Embrace your individuality, even if it’s short and covered in braces, even if it stands out like Las Vegas in the Nevada desert. (I’m wondering if my reference is accurate?)  Embrace it!  For being like everyone else is being boring.  Be yourself, you’ll be happier and content for no one can act like a different person for a prolonged period of time, not even Meryl Streep.  Ok, maybe she’ll nail it, but she’ll be the only one, for she’s unique. (See how it works)  So listen to Britney Spears until you’re forty, even if her latest album is an utter disappointment and mostly consist of garbage.  Jam to Nickelback even if the purists head bang to Metallica. Do drama. Write poetry. Read comics.  Don’t do drugs.  One day the geek and the nerd that people might perceive you to be at fourteen, will be the go-to-guy when all the major blockbusters of twenty years later will turn out to be Superhero movies!  And he still gets the girl.

17. Don’t evaluate beauty on looks alone.  Yes, off course, who wants to date a female ogre, but there is something really awe-inspiring and kinda breath-taking in how your perception will transform, once you take the time to get to know a person.  So take the time, asshole.  Your female ogre might actually turn out to be a princess.  (Which, by the way, would be a great idea for an animated movie!) Inner beauty lasts forever.  Humour never fades and kindness, patience, tenderness and those other endearing qualities only increases with age.  And even though L’Oreal and the whole frigging cosmetic industry are trying to tell you different, you WILL grow old and get wrinkles, irrespective of the gallons of shit you might have to put on your face.  The only super effective beauty treatment for eternal youth is Photoshop.  Even a facelift cannot do anything about neck skin or brown spotted hands.

18.Find something you love and do it.  And this is not meant as a sexual innuendo, it implies a hobby, or sport, or whatever your mind can conjure.  Being able to spend time on your own with something you love is not only good for stress, it also allows your mind to rant and rave in silence, thereby sorting out all the files and pieces of paper that is still not properly organized in the right cabinets.  And you won’t offend anyone, unless off course your thing turns out be talking to yourself.  In public.

19.  If you can’t say something nice about a person then shut the hell up. And don’t do what I do, do what I say.  I’m trying, goddamit.

20.  When someone gives you a compliment, say thank you.  That’s all.  It’s an art for humans to accept a compliment gracefully, for we tend to go to one of two extremes.  Woman normally go into an extensive explanation of how undeserving they actually are towards your compliment, even if you said something trivial like “Wow, your hair smells nice.”  And men, well we just know how spectacular we are, so we normally can’t stop talking when someone else finally see what I’ve known for so many years.  Oh, it is only me?  Well, as I mentioned before, just say thank you.

And as I’m now half way on this traitorous road, here’s hoping I have learned enough lessons to make it to 40!!!

Newsflash #14 – A stupid question update

Isn’t it weird how a small red dot on your face at fourteen seems to signal the end of life as we know it.  Like a miniature doomsday traffic light.

Pieterk

It has been a few months since I added to my “The Stupid Question” page hiding on my blog.  I’ve been busy.  With writing and parenting and husbanding and stuff.  Yes and working.  (Important to mention that one)  I found some time today and added a question or four.  Check it out if your day is getting a bit heavy and gravity is particularly strong around the edges of your mouth.

If you don’t feel better after reading it, sorry.  I tried.