How a fidget spinner saved my life.

I’m a self-diagnosed sufferer of ADHD and it is Google verified and everything.  I started believing my condition after the eighth site confirmed it to be true.  And I’m not mocking the condition because this is serious shit.

I am the “hey, look there’s a squirrel” guy.  A man who loses interest in any conversation at the drop of a hat.  And this is in a literal sense.  If you drop your hat whilst speaking to me, I might not be there when you stand up again.  And this is in a figurative sense.  My parents didn’t raise a buffoon.  My body will still be standing in front of you but my mind will probably be hovering over the plot of the new Deadpool movie.

*Cue the fidget spinner

This saved my life and my marriage.  In that order.

I was intrigued about the concept of a mechanical spinning toy that could assist people who were battling with concentration.  It doesn’t really make sense when you think about it but I was suckered into the thing against my better judgement.  Like that time when I bought a romper.

I placed my order for a fidget spinner as soon as my kids found a kid at school who could supply me with a cheaper knock-off version from China. Mine is blue because I’m a big boy.  I was devastated to hear that there is one that turns into Captain America’s shield when you spin it.  Even though I suffered from a severe case of buyer’s remorse, commonly known as sulking, I showcased amazing control and didn’t buy another one.  What kind of sad adult owns two fidget spinners?  (Please sit down.)

And now that I have one?  How did it change me life? Well, to be honest, it has changed my life in the same way my life is affected by the fact that Donald Trump drunk tweets at three in the morning.  Bottom line: A fidget spinner does not help with improving my concentration.  It actually does the exact opposite because I’m now trying so hard to make the damn thing spin that people are lost to me.  Never mind me trying to hold a conversation when I try and play with it.  A fidget spinner doesn’t add any value to my limited attention span.  Not even remotely.

But it does help with the remote…

Out with the old, in with the new

When I sit, or walk, or wait, or breathe, I tend to fidget with things. Pens, keys, buttons, rope, paper, myself… Just like any normal, stressed-out adult who is raising two teenagers, have responsibilities and a house owned by the bank.  That’s all fine and dandy but when I sit in front of the television my go-to-fidget-thing is the remote.  I can spend countless happy hours opening and closing the battery cover at the back of the remote.  I say I can do it for hours but I don’t.  This little habit of mine irritates my darling wife to the point of her having a seizure when she finds me doing it.  And even though she has perfected the look that would stop my kids from doing something, the “look” doesn’t work with me because I’m her equal.  And a grown-up.  So she actually has to ask me to stop.  Every day.  Through clenched teeth.

Most times it’s a friendly “Love, if you don’t stop with that remote, so help me, I will crush your skull with this pot plant.”  And other times it’s a little more aggressive.

And here is where the fidget spinner enters my life and not only prevents me from breaking ordinary household items but also saves me from dying a violent death.

The only problem I have now, is the spinning sound of the toy seems to be kind of annoying to those creatures who can actually hear it spin.  Even when the television is on.  These creatures would include dogs, bats, people from Krypton and my lovely Wife.

Can we get a fidget spinner that spins without making a sound, please?  Because my life might be in danger once again.