Ah dad’s open letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley

What the hell were you thinking child?

But the backlash isn’t a surprise, is it?  You planned it carefully.  It was cold and calculated.  Your hands are soaked with her blood and you relish in it.  You wanted to kill Hannah Montana.  But in the end you not only delivered the gunshot to her head, you severed it with a blunt knife, then dozed her in petroleum, and while burning, pushed her off a cliff.  Filled with glee you cremated every trace of the Disney sweetheart.  You smilingly vaporised any memory that might still exist of the fact that the two of you were the same person.  It was premeditated death by twerking.

Why, my child, why?  Did you not earn enough money as the kid star?  Were your fan base not big enough? Did you despise being idolised by millions?

For this was your reality.  You became famous and moved out of the shadows of your father as a direct result of Hannah.  Most people have made decisions that we regret in one way or another, past actions that we are so ashamed of that we pray daily for it to remain buried deep in the sands of time.  Is this why you did it?  Were you ashamed of being seen as a nice American girl?

Thank you very much for putting me in a position where I have to explain to my 11 year-old daughter, why Miley Cyrus turned into a slut.  Fortunately for parents world-wide you have become almost unrecognisable from your alter ego with the blond wig.  Unfortunately your name pops up often and now I have to explain to my little girl why it is inappropriate to dance like that. Ever.

Kids grow up, I know, no-one said it would be easy.  No-one said you had to stay a prune forever, in fact no-one expected you too.  Glimpses of greatness was obvious with Party in the USA, and your latest song isn’t even half bad. So why oh why would you create such a spectacle of yourself in front of a gazillion people watching.  Were you high?  Honestly, please tell me, for it would be a much easier conversation with my daughter then trying to say “She was sober and just fucked up.”  And relax I will choose my words better in that conversation.

The upside of the whole debacle is the proof you supplied to my daughter that people will disappoint you, that finding role models and inspirational people is extremely difficult these days.  You enforced the idea that fame and money corrupts, something I don’t even have to discuss with her, she can just watch the Youtube video. And due to your unique interpretation of “things you can do with a rubber finger” I’m hoping she never has to.  The message you did put across, very successfully I might add, is that she needs to be her own hero and that finding and living her own dream is the only secret to happiness.  Thanks for that.

You are a grown woman and you can say whatever you want to.   But in the end I think you forgot about those innocent girls who is still idolising you.  The Hannah Montana girls whom you left behind.  The girls that adored you, that still wants to know everything you do.  Love it or hate it, normal people cannot separate their past from their present.  You’re obviously not normal, as the girl prancing on stage had NO resemblance whatsoever to the poster of the young woman my daughter has had on her wall.  That poster is what made you girl!

Your dad must be so proud after your amazingly agile stripper performance at the VMA’s on Sunday, as every Dad lives for that moment when their little princess becomes the sex-crazed slut they always wanted them to be.  I suppose no one can blame you for pushing your ass up into Robin Thicke’s crotch as he did resemble a barber pole in that outfit.

Congrats on being the most talked about thing of this year’s awards show, and for dethroning Kanye West as my biggest a-hole on TV.  And say Hi to your boyfriend, who must be super psyched knowing what everyone is going to be talking about when the two of you walk down the street.  You obviously have a lot of consideration for his views and beliefs.

In the end I am still left perplexed.  Why would anyone want to come of as a cheap, nympho?  I suppose it does require a certain lack of self-respect.

In the mean time, I’ll just stick with my current answer about you being…well you know what.

Yours sincerely

Ah dad…